Paranormal Research Regarded as something of a “hot potato” by other agencies, paranormal research has been in ESA’s purview since 1982. The agency’s first task, of course, was to see that there was no interruption to the care and feeding of the alien advance party that landed at Roswell, N.M., in 1947. The spunky extraterrestrials, nicknamed “Vince” and “Teddy” by previous caretakers, continue to thrive today at Area 51, the top-secret research compound at Groom Lake, near Las Vegas. ESA is also the agency in charge of maintaining the facility’s fleet of heavily armed stealth helicopters, of housing the 30 to 50 citizens removed from their homes by the black choppers each year, and of denying that Area 51 exists.  Closely related to ESA’s oversight of Area 51, yet presenting its own unique challenges, is the administration’s ongoing project to catalog alien abductions. Did you know that more than two dozen American citizens are “borrowed” (in abductee jargon) every year?  It’s true! And not just slack-jawed yokels in dusty pickups, either: university professors, arts administrators, engineers, even a celebrity or two have taken the big ride!  (We’re not at liberty to divulge their identities, of course, but if you’re adept at Pig Latin chew on this one: “an-Day outs-Fay.” Enough said.) ESA staff interview every abductee, cross-reference the data collected, and personally hand-deliver it to an abandoned ICBM silo near Minot, N.D., for storage. ESA is, of course, also the agency in charge of denying that alien abductions occur.  Finally, ESA is the agency in charge of researching, documenting, and covering up the following para- and extra-normal phenomena: Hellmouths Demonic Possession Elves (Including Leprechauns) Dowsing, Firewalking, and Levitation Cattle Mutilations Crop Circles Precognition Postcognition The “Blue Sense” Mind Control Indian Burial Grounds, Ancient That Funny Feeling That Somebody’s Watching You