Administration
of Covertly Funded Projects
The
ESA assumed administration of covert activities after a joint CIA/NSA/FBI
task force decided in early 1994 that manpower shortages made it
unfeasible for security agencies to both administer and staff covert
projects, and that of the two, staffing was “more fun.” Among
the projects currently maintained by ESA:
Operation
Poppa Stoppa: Secretly sterilizes pandas
at the National Zoo, to force the Chinese government to send
breeding pair after breeding pair until the Chinese panda population
is depleted and national morale is compromised.
Operation
Crop Top: Secretly funds the Mindy D’Stasio “I
Love It When You Love Me (But When You’re Mean to Me It Makes Me
Feel Bad About Myself)” world tour, 2000-2001, in order to
spread coded messages to overseas operatives contained within Mindy
D’Stasio songs. As an example, the first letter of each line of
“(Baby Let Me Be Your) Slut Bomb” spells out the message “Attention
Sidewinder: Yemeni secret police closing in on your current location
of 23 Al-Khared Place,
Apt. 3, second floor across from the laundry room. Stay hidden at
all costs!”
Operation
Hollywood: Secretly funds the development process for moronic
young-adult comedies featuring smug no-talent jerks. No ideological
bent to this one, just a tidy little profit center. (Coming this
winter to the Blorple
Falls Film Festival: An Adam Sandler Retrospective!)
ESA
also funds a constantly shifting roster of lobbying groups in the
hopes of achieving what political scientists call “ideostasis,”
or a matrix of political pressures and counter-pressures so
precisely matched that they effectively cancel each other out,
leaving all influence in the hands of the sitting government. Click here
for a list of groups receiving ESA funding as of this minute.
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