Administration of Covertly Funded Projects

The ESA assumed administration of covert activities after a joint CIA/NSA/FBI task force decided in early 1994 that manpower shortages made it unfeasible for security agencies to both administer and staff covert projects, and that of the two, staffing was “more fun.” Among the projects currently maintained by ESA:

Operation Poppa Stoppa: Secretly sterilizes pandas at the National Zoo, to force the Chinese government to send breeding pair after breeding pair until the Chinese panda population is depleted and national morale is compromised.

Operation Crop Top: Secretly funds the Mindy D’Stasio “I Love It When You Love Me (But When You’re Mean to Me It Makes Me Feel Bad About Myself)” world tour, 2000-2001, in order to spread coded messages to overseas operatives contained within Mindy D’Stasio songs. As an example, the first letter of each line of “(Baby Let Me Be Your) Slut Bomb” spells out the message “Attention Sidewinder: Yemeni secret police closing in on your current location of 23 Al-Khared Place, Apt. 3, second floor across from the laundry room. Stay hidden at all costs!”

Operation Hollywood: Secretly funds the development process for moronic young-adult comedies featuring smug no-talent jerks. No ideological bent to this one, just a tidy little profit center. (Coming this winter to the Blorple Falls Film Festival: An Adam Sandler Retrospective!) 

ESA also funds a constantly shifting roster of lobbying groups in the hopes of achieving what political scientists call “ideostasis,” or a matrix of political pressures and counter-pressures so precisely matched that they effectively cancel each other out, leaving all influence in the hands of the sitting government. Click here for a list of groups receiving ESA funding as of this minute.