Cheer Up, Berlusconi

Vladimir Putin’s sweet attempt to bolster the flagging spirits of his dear Italian friend.

Slate intercepted the message below, sent from Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to his close friend Silvio Berlusconi, less than 24 hours after the Italian prime minster announced he would resign. The gesture is not particularly surprising. Putin has long defended Berlusconi. At a forum in September, Putin countered questions about Italy’s growing economic woes and sex scandals, sticking up for Berlusconi by saying, "They mainly criticize him because they are jealous.”

‘Sup Silvio,

I’m sure you are feeling worse than a dying elk today. And I know that hanging at my birthday party helped cheer you up during that whole mess with the 17-year-old. So I decided to put a little something together for you. It’s a photo gallery of us. I wrote down memories with each photo, like they do on Facebook. I hope it brings you happiness. Is that weaker than Hillary Clinton? Maybe. But you are my courageous Italian brother. Our friendship is like a wild boar roaring in the Russian winter. It will not be stopped. Come visit soon. Dancing girls will greet you.

Yours,

Vlady

This slideshow, evidently sent from Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to Silvio Berlusconi about 24 hours after the Italian prime minister's resignation, was intercepted by Slate, accompanied by this note.

February 2003

Remember when we went to that wildlife preserve? You whined about the cold like a little Ukrainian seal baby. But I still told you, “We are meant to be brothers!” I realized you are a courageous man like me and gave you a furry hat.

Alexei Panov/AFP/Getty Images.
June 2003

Remember when I taught you the gesture I used to use to pick up Russian girls in the clubs when I was young?

Alexander Nemenov/AFP/Getty Images.
July 2003

Remember when everyone thought we were talking about Iraq, but actually you were just telling me how you thought it would be funny if you renamed your political party Go Pussy? I was hurt when you shared this joke with the whole world last week. It’s our joke, and of course they didn’t understand. But I forgive you.

Sergei Chirikov/AFP/Getty Images.
August 2003

Remember when you had a young girl bring me a shirt before our meeting with a note that said: “Wear this and we will look like irresistible ruthless brothers. The kind that might kill you and marry your daughter in the same week.” And I wore it as you showed me Sardinia.

Presidential Press Service/AFP/Getty Images.
August 2003

And remember how we wore almost the same shirts the next day too? I like matching with you.

STR/AFP/Getty Images.
August 2003

Sometimes it astounds me that even though you drink too much wine and not enough raw eggs, and you are too lazy to hike up mountains and shoot bears, you are very sly at hopping out of planes.

STR/AFP/Getty Images.
April 2004

Sometimes people don’t understand our courageous brotherhood. They don’t understand why I must grab you and rub your belly. It’s just that sometimes you seem seems so independent, so sure of yourself, but also sad. Like a big kitten in need of spiritual rebirth. Svetlana, one of my “Putin girls,” who is reading over my shoulder right now, says these captions are getting too serious. That what you want right now is fun fun fun. OK, Svetlana. OK.

Vladimir Rodionov/AFP/Getty Images.
April 2004

Remember when you agreed to go out to the woods with me to search for wild porcupines, but only if you could get high on Siberian bark first. And then three days later you were still high, and I had to keep you from falling over during the military demonstration at Chkalov Pilots Combat Training Centre?

Dmitri Astakhov/AFP/Getty Images.
April 2004

I like it when you wipe my nose.

Maxim Marmur/AFP/Getty Images.
April 2004

Remember when we pushed a button together at that Italian home appliances plant and afterward revealed that we were both imagining that it was a nuclear reactor?

Maxim Marmur/AFP/Getty Images.
May 2005

Because we have been so close for so long, I can tell you the truth now: At first, I worried that you’d steal my wife.

Maxim Marmur/AFP/Getty Images.
August 2005

But then you explained to me that you only like young girls. What a relief! I also can tell you this now. I never much liked your wife Veronica. Her face was beautiful but always frozen like an Arctic muskox. She refused to laugh at my jokes or pet my animals. I resent that she told you to get Botox and then you told me to get Botox and now the members of my young sexy army make fun of me for it. You are 15 years older than me. You needed it. I didn’t.

Vladimir Rodionov/AFP/Getty Images.
August 2005

Remember when you made up a song about dwarf horses for me? How did it go again? We’ll have to go on a retreat and sing it now that you’ll have more time.

Mikhail Klimentiev/AFP/Getty Images.
Nov 2008

Remember when you made people angry by pretending to shoot that little parasite of a reporter?
AFP via Getty Images.
Oct 2009

I hate it when we fight.

Alexey Nikolsky/AFP/Getty Images.
March 2010

Remember when I gave you a bed just like mine for you to have adventures on and we called it the Putin Bed? I wish I had a photo of it to include here, but it’s probably smart that you never emailed me a photo. Bunga bunga!
Joseph Eid/AFP/Getty Images.
October 2010

Remember when I caught a 20-foot trout? The newspapers said we planted it there. They are always accusing me of planting things. But they are just jealous of our friendship and our power. I dared you to eat the fish raw on a bed of spicy cabbage and you did, just to show your loyalty. That was nice. That’s all. I hope this makes you happy, Silvio!

Alexei Nikolsky/AFP/Getty Images.