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Five's CompanyHelp! I'm not just dating my boyfriend, I'm also dating his friends.

Posted Thursday, July 12, 2007, at 7:07 AM ET

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Dear Prudence,
I'm a 28-year-old professional who's been dating a great guy in his 30s for about three months. The problem is, I think I'm also dating his friends. Just two weeks after we started dating, he invited me to meet his buddies—five people (four guys and one girl) he's known since high school. Since then, it's been weekend after weekend of barbecues, dinners, drinks, and even a wedding with them. The other night, he asked me to a movie after work. When I got there, all five friends were saving my seat. The buddies are all funny, smart, incredibly nice people, and they've been nothing but welcoming to me. I do feel a little left out when we're all together, because they have to explain all of their inside jokes to me. His family isn't very close, so his friends are really all he has. If I tell him that I don't want to hang out with the buddies so much, I'm afraid he's going to take it as criticism. I like him a lot and really enjoy the time we spend together. I just want to spend less time with the friends and more with him. Am I being a jealous, needy girl who just wants his undivided attention? If not, how can I bring up the subject without sounding like that girl?

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Buy Emily Yoffe's book What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner.

—Sixth Wheel

Dear Sixth,
It sounds more like you're trapped in the oeuvre of Judd Apatow than that you're in a relationship with this guy. Going with your significant other to his high-school reunion may be fun (OK, usually not), but thankfully, these events come around once every five years. You're in a perpetual high-school reunion with a group of thirtysomethings who seem intent on turning the world into their cafeteria table. He says his friends are really his family, but if his family was his family, would you expect to meet him at the movies with Mom, Dad, Uncle Irv, and Aunt Myrna? There's nothing abnormal about wanting to cut this back to just dating him, so stop worrying about how you sound when you bring it up. Just say his gang is delightful, and you know how much they mean to him, but you'd like more one-on-one time with him. If on your next date, you, he, and the fab five get together to discuss why you want to break them up, break up with him, and look for someone capable of going solo.

—Prudie

Watch Prudence's latest video letter here.

Dear Prudie,
I was to be a bridesmaid in a summer wedding when a month ago, the bride and groom mutually decided to cancel the wedding. The two other bridesmaids and I understand the situation and agree with the outcome. Unfortunately, the bride is not in the position to reimburse the costs to the bridesmaids. The dresses couldn't be returned but are wearable. This was a destination wedding on the beach in Florida, and changing the ticket would cost my boyfriend and me more than $200. We decided to make a vacation of it and go. When I mentioned this to the other bridesmaids, they all decided to go. The ex-bride has been concerned about the hassle the cancellation has caused us, so we told her about the trip, thinking it would make her feel less bad. Now she is upset with us. She feels that this was her wedding weekend but it was canceled, and out of respect for her feelings, we shouldn't go. I love my friend, but I don't think her request is appropriate unless she is willing to reimburse us the cost. Am I being tacky by going?

—Beach-Bound Bridesmaid

Dear Beach,
First, a word about destination weddings. Yes, every wedding requires a destination, but usually that is a place close to, or the home of, many of the guests. If marrying couples want to celebrate their union with days of fun in the sun and surf, how about just calling it a honeymoon and leaving everyone else out of it? As to your situation, no, you are not required to kiss your reservations goodbye and spend the weekend with the ex-bride listening to the new breakup album of Kelly Clarkson. You and the other bridesmaids are entitled to turn this fiasco into a vacation. But why not encourage the bride to join you? She's got tickets, too, and she could probably use a change of scene. Yes, she may spend part of it being morose, but maybe she will also come out of her funk and raise a few toasts to saving herself the cost of a divorce. If she doesn't want to go, leave with a good conscience, but just don't write any "Wish you were here" postcards.

—Prudie

Dear Prudie,
My husband's brother and his family graciously hosted us for a few days when we flew across country for a visit. Although they live in a large home with a cupboard full of plates and employ a full-time housekeeper, they used disposable plates the entire time we stayed with them. It was pretty clear that they typically use disposable plates all the time. When we sat down for a Mother's Day dinner, they even served the dinner on heavy-duty disposable plates and bragged about how they felt "almost" like real plates. I am not the world's biggest environmentalist, but I do care about protecting our Earth's limited resources for the sake of the next generation. Since we're sure to stay with them again in the future, is there any polite way to ask them whether they've considered the larger consequences of their choice to use disposables?

—Hate To Throw It All Away

Dear Hate,
Yes, it's discouraging to see needless waste; what's also discouraging is for houseguests to critique your hospitality. Here's about the only thing you can do: When mealtime comes around, suggest that if they want to save some of their paper plates, you'd be happy to volunteer for dishwashing duty. If they decline, paper it is. I note that to get to your in-laws' for a visit, you flew across the country, thus spewing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and that you plan to do it again. Lecture them on how they're destroying things for the next generation and they may suggest you do your part and stay home.

—Prudie

Dear Prudie,
My daughter is 5 years old and has, like most girls her age, a hamper's worth of stuffed animals. While she has her favorites, she constantly wants more and usually connives to get someone (read: her grandparents) into procuring a new one every couple of weeks. The new one immediately becomes her favorite and she must sleep with it every night and haul it around half the day. My question is: Does this behavior indicate she'll be overly promiscuous as an adult, or at least unable to commit to a single partner?

—Perhaps Overly Worried Father

Dear Perhaps,
Of course that's what it indicates. You'd better start thinking now about what you're going to do when she's a young woman and throws over that big, chubby guy with the annoying laugh, Barney, for the sexually ambiguous Tinky-Winky, whom she then dumps for that moron, Elmo, who every time they come over asks you to get down on the floor and tickle him.

—Prudie

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Photograph of Prudie by David Plotz.

COMMENTS

Remarks from the Fray:

I believe I can speak for the buddies when I say they already know when "the new girl" is trying to get one of their circle to distance himself. Camaraderie is very important to men, and of greater importance when those bonds have lasted since youth. The beau may not know his friends see the engenue's wishes, but the friends will speak when she makes a move. Understand that just being accepted by such a long-standing, tightly-knit circle is a compliment, but as soon as the friends feel an untested, short-term bond is causing an interruption, they will harass the man until the issue is buried or discarded. When family is of little importance, friends become more of a family than a real family. If a man is distanced from such friendships, he may also cease to be the man for whom the woman fell. If you can't take the compliment, and can't understand the bonds, move on quietly and without incident.

--someguy

(To reply, click here.)

Though conventional wisdom says it's a Good Sign when a man introduces a woman to his friends, less appealing possibilities occur to me.... his lack of desire for one-on-one time indicates she is no more than a piece of arm candy to him - a Token Girlfriend, or possibly even a tool in getting the romantic attentions of the lone female in their group.

--UptightCitizensBrigade

(To reply, click here.)

I began to wonder, does she ever invite him on a date? If it were her party or BBQ or movie wouldn't she be in a better position to jury rig the quest lists.? The better women I knew in my dating days were rather quick to start doing the invitations.

--janeslogin

(To reply, click here.)

They now make "paper" products, as well as utensils, out of corn and/or wheat. I believe they require light to decompose, but they are very environmentally friendly. Why not bring a bunch on your next trip, and research where they could buy more in their area?

--pfire

(To reply, click here.)

I am also cognizant of the amount of waste our society generates. But perhaps these people generate the extra waste in order to conserve another precious resource: water. There are many areas in this country where, either due to the climate or to increasing population, water is always in short supply.

--Mama Zee

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The daughter has too many toys, so it's time to discuss the virtue of charity. Teach the child that other children don't have as many toys as she does and that she should share some of what she doesn't play with anymore. Give her a set amount of space to keep her toys in (or a number she can keep) and have her gather up the rest to give away. Then, she can donate the ones she "wants" to get rid of to the children's wing at your local hospital, a church sale, or a thrift store. After the big donation, make it clear that she'll be culling her toy collection whenever it gets too big. She may respond by wanting even more toys to replace what she lost, but she'll stop that once she realizes that getting new toys means getting rid of the favorites she has now.

--amykate

(To reply, click here.)

One of the signs of a small child having low self-esteem is over-achieving. Perhaps collecting toys and transferring her affection to the toys is a symptom that your kid is not getting the reassurance and love she needs from you. She is filling the hole of her inadequacy with toys from the people who love her unconditionally, her grandparents.

Instead of bitching and worrying, maybe you should tell your kid she is good enough, that you're glad she was born and that you love her. Kids that turn into teens with low self-esteem and no fatherly reinforcement of how loved they are, do turn to promiscuity to fill the void. They also turn to addiction and self-destructive behaviors too.

Somewhere, years ago, I read that a two year old little girl given the choice between playing with her mommy or her daddy would choose her daddy 90 percent of the time. Daughters who do not get a good example of how to be loved by men, won't know good from bad loving. If they cannot tell the difference, they may start trying to compensate with a greater variety of partners.

--pbev

(To reply, click here.)

You can also try dividing up the toys when she is not around, of course. One set she plays with and another set you put away. A couple of months later you pull out the other set and she thinks it's Christmas in July. Rotate the toys. And let Grandma and Grandpa and friends and family know what you're doing. No showing up at the door on every visit with a toy. She'll get the message and learn to appreciate what she has. I would be more concerned at this point in her life that she would be learning through this behavior, how to be demanding and "running the show".

--amegs03

(To reply, click here.)

(7/14)

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