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Smells Like Sexual HarassmentMy co-worker makes comments about my scent. What should I do?

Posted Thursday, June 21, 2007, at 7:16 AM ET

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Dear Prudie,
A co-worker of mine never fails to mention my perfume when he stops by my office. This would be no big deal, but I can't help being slightly skeeved out by the "I could just stand here and smell you all day," "Your smell is what gets me through the day" type commentary. Even writing that was difficult, it strikes me as so creepy! I realize that he could just be awkwardly trying to make conversation, and I can handle it if this is as far as it goes. But I don't want to look back and say to myself, "The warning signs were all there!" after something more insidious occurs.

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Buy Emily Yoffe's book What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner.

—Fragrant

Dear Fragrant,
I detect a top note of sexual harassment. Your co-worker's behavior stinks and you have to put an end to it. The next time Mr. Olfactory Gland stops at your door, sniffs the air like a basset hound on the scent of a rabbit, and mentions how your aroma keeps him going, look up and say coolly, "I'd appreciate it if you'd immediately stop making such personal remarks." If that doesn't shape him up, keep notes about his behavior, then go to your human resources department or his boss and explain how his comments are poisoning the atmosphere.

—Prudie

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Dear Prudence,
I've been happily married to my wife for 10 years. She is a very nice, easygoing, even-tempered lady. I know women tend to be more emotional around that time of the month, but occasionally she turns into a completely different person. I don't just mean crying or getting angry over petty things. I mean she suddenly becomes physically violent toward me, cries like someone might cry when told about a death in the family, and so on. In the past, I ignored these episodes, mostly because afterward she is apologetic and seems genuinely sorry. The last one, however, really scared me. After a normal evening together, she became moody, then suddenly burst into hysterical tears and locked herself in the bathroom. I had no idea what was going on, so I tried getting her to tell me. She kept saying she wanted "it" to go away, but wouldn't explain what "it" was. After I picked the lock, I tried comforting her, but she demanded that I leave. I eventually did. The next day, when she was better, she admitted sneaking into the kitchen and cutting herself with a knife! I really don't know what to do!! Her episodes happen infrequently, so I don't want to be an alarmist. Her family doesn't know and I don't know how to tell them without freaking everyone out. Is this normal hormonal behavior? If not, how do I tell people without them thinking she is crazy? I love my wife and know she is sane, but I'm scared that one day I won't know what is wrong and she'll do something drastic.

—Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned,
You may not want to be alarmist, but I do. You have a wife who episodically becomes violent against you and herself, who is hallucinating, and who gets hysterical. She needs a medical and psychiatric evaluation right away. Once you have a better understanding of what is going on, then you can talk to her family about what you've found out. If your wife refuses to get help, then you should enlist them to convince her that she needs to seek professional care. You know you're in a serious situation when you worry that she may be on the verge of doing herself (or you) real harm.

—Prudie

Dear Prudie,
This is my first job out of college, and I work for a very small company. There are only two other women here, but they're the top executives. I looked up to these two women for their intelligence, ambition, and style, and felt they thought of me as their protégée. A few days ago, I overheard them making fun of the way I dress. I dress appropriately for my business-casual office, but they made snide comments about the stores where I buy my clothes—not designer, but also not bargain basements—and how often I wear the same outfits—apparently referred to as the "10-Day Rotation." One even said, "Why can't she just buy some decent clothing?" I thought, "You hired me, you know what my salary is!" I'm disappointed that these women I admire could stoop to such junior-high levels, and angry because the men in the office could all wear the same thing every day and no one would notice, and embarrassed by my apparent lack of style. I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about what to wear the next day, and I can barely look either of these women in the eye now. I thought about blowing a paycheck on a fantastic designer outfit, but that's not reasonable. Should I approach these women about what I heard? Any fashion tips? I do enjoy my job, but now every day is stressful.

—No-Style Protégée

Dear No,
Your bosses may be a couple of mean girls, but their gossiping has done you a favor. While you can dismiss how you dress as superficial, it's not superficial if it's holding you back. Instead of projecting "young executive on the way up," your business-casual look may say, "Every day feels like Friday!" Do not blow a paycheck on a single outfit that will make you feel as if you're playing dress-up with the boss's clothes. But since you are unlikely to find a fashion guru with access to free designer clothes like the one in The Devil Wears Prada, you will have to do this yourself. Start looking through fashion magazines and books to get tips on building a professional wardrobe. Come up with a budget, and see if a midrange department store offers free consultation on slowly adding better-looking pieces to your rotation. This is only the first of many bumps you'll encounter as you build your career. Don't let yourself crumble over something snide and substantively insignificant. If you truly want to be a protégée of these women, you will turn their overheard remarks to your advantage—showing just how intelligent, ambitious, and stylish you are.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
I just finished my first year at a college where overachieving, superbrilliant academic all-stars are a dime a dozen. However, because I try not to take myself too seriously, don't discuss or flaunt my academic achievements, and enjoy a strong drink and a good laugh, I've acquired a reputation as something of a silly party girl who doesn't take anything seriously. This doesn't bother me particularly; I know my intellectual muscles measure up to those of my peers, and since I got to experience what it's like to be a brainiac in high school, I don't mind sitting back and letting others take the glory. What does bother me is the tendency to make snide comments about my "flakiness." My friends' comments, usually "joking," don't make me feel inferior, but they are irritating, rude, and hurtful. I've maintained a standard of excellence in my academics and extracurricular activities, but try to let my personality speak more loudly than my résumé. How can I let my friends know that their comments are hurtful? Should I be worried about my reputation? If so, how can I repair it without coming off as a braggart or a bore?

—Not Stupid

Dear Not,
You may be at a college where everyone is jockeying to drop the most references to their grades, their internships, and their knowledge of Foucault. This is sophomoric, but as you and your classmates are about to be sophomores, it's understandable. Also sophomoric, and understandable, is that you decided to shed the good-girl brainiac personality you've had most of your life and instead become a hard-drinking party girl. However, that personality is working out poorly for both you and Lindsay Lohan. The issue for your friends, and the source of their comments and "jokes," may not be that you don't show off your intellectual accomplishments but that you spend too much time drunk. So, why don't you try this for sophomore year: Stop the excessive drinking and see what you're really like. If you can't imagine giving up the "strong drink," then you must consider whether you're developing a drinking problem. You have three more years of college, and if you spend most of them sober, your reputation will take care of itself.

—Prudie

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Photograph of Prudie by David Plotz.

COMMENTS

Remarks from the Fray Editor:

Was Prudie's advice to the first writer too confrontational? TenaciousK provokes a debate between delicacy and clarity. Many readers noted that the wife of the second letter-writer may be suffering from a syndrome known as PMDD. Fraysters with this condition share their stories here, here, and here. Controversy raged over Prudie's advice to No Style, while others shared their own style tips. The final letter writer, Not Stupid, entered the Fray to continue the discussion of her vexing friendships. It's a little off-topic, but this thread is an interesting read.—G.A.

Remarks from the Fray:

So Prudie, where do come by your unique approach to conflict management and social education? [...] What you counseled is likely to make this guy defensive, and more likely to motivate him to respond in an obnoxious manner than to resolve the problem. What this woman could do instead is make the implicit explicit; "It makes me uncomfortable when you make comments like that." The resulting, hopefully friendly and open discussion could provide this guy with some much-needed guidance about social propriety. What you counseled may encourage him to continue disowning his behavior in a flurry of defensive disavowal.

We do live in a sexist society, and its important to both recognize and address sexist behavior when it occurs. But part of what perpetuates sexism is a form of willful obtuseness your advice is more likely to reinforce than mitigate. Worse, depending on the social climate in this person's workplace, you might have just advised her to behave in a manner that could well get her branded in an unflattering and unhelpful way by the sexist office buddies of her sexist colleague. [...]

She ought to give the guy an "out" that allows him to acknowledge what he's doing and allows him to save face. Shaming him (no matter how warranted you feel it might be) is unlikely to result in any favorable outcome for anyone involved. And if he doesn't respond well? Then she goes to HR after having made a friendly, pro-social kind of attempt to resolve this on her own.

--TenaciousK

(To reply, click here.)

How I wish my ex had had the concern to seek advice for me! No, what your wife is experiencing is not normal for a woman during her monthly period. It may, however, be related. There is a diagnosis now for PPMD - premenstrual dysphoric disorder - which is magnitudes more severe than pesky PMS. It involves depression, inability to focus (aggravating frustration levels), and a host of other possible symptoms. My ex and I, normally far from violent people, broke objects and hurt ourselves though we stopped at physically harming each other. A combination of psychological counseling, anti-depressants, and lifestyle changes helped me regain a happy and fulfilling life, and aging into different hormonal patterns has been a relief. Please help her to seek help and do not blame her or call her crazy. If she is like I was, she is frightened enough already.

--idiotwind

(To reply, click here.)

I don't entirely agree with Prudie's advice to the girl whose bosses made snide comments about her clothes behind her back. First order of business is to find some new mentors, maybe female relatives or family friends in the same line of work or just successful in an office atmosphere. Also, she should ask someone else, someone she trusts, to give her a brutally honest assessment of her work clothing - before she frets about this any more, she should determine whether her clothes are actually professional, just not as high-end as these catty women would prefer? If so, maybe she just needs to add a few pieces or accessories to dress up what she already has.

I doubt these two women are going to be good mentors to her - if they truly cared, they would've have found a nice, helpful way to tell her "you know what you'd look great in and would make you look really professional? I remember when I was starting out and had to make a whole work wardrobe from an entry salary, I..." She should be pleasant to these women but wary of them -- and look for mentors elsewhere.

--Eudora

(To reply, click here.)

If she's feeling daring, she should approach them. Tell them she admires they're professionalism and style and would appreciate some hints for stylish professionalism on a budget. Even if they don't have any tips to offer, they'll likely quit gossiping about her. People often try to live up to whatever compliment you've thrown them. Approaching the cats might also help Protégée get her confidence back.

--mizbinkley

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The best advice Prudence could and should have given was that any job that gives you that kind of stress that it keeps you up at night -- esp. when execs are judging you on your wardrobe, and judging you unfairly against male colleagues -- well then, it is worth going after a new job. No matter how the writer "changes" her wardrobe, she will never feel comfortable with these women. It is a small company and it is her first job out of college, she should move on before she gets an ulcer over something not at all related to her abilities and loses confidence in herself.

--Wuddly313

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Young people, your bosses are probably 10 or more years older than you. Look at what they're wearing and let that set the tone. Business casual does not mean campus chic. It doesn't take that much money to buy some decent and professional clothes and it isn't the worst thing in the world for people in the office to treat you like you're older rather than younger than you are.

--haiku_rd

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I went through a similar experience of being content to sit back and let my colleagues duke it out intellectually, secretly knowing that I was just as bright.

However, what I found (through lots of therapy) that this was more of a protective mechanism once it became a habit. An attractive, smart woman is powerful, even threatening - and being funny, laid-back, a partier, etc may be a way of avoiding 'competing' against those you consider your friends.

This hit home with me after an evaluation in which I was basically called an airhead (I thought I was just devastatingly laid back and funny) - I had no idea that I was perceived this way and was both crushed and furious. I changed my manner and have been pleased with the results.

This may be advice to remember once you are out in the professional world, but it can't hurt to develop the habit now. Your friends, whatever their motivation, are telling you something you can use to think about how you really want others to perceive you. If you're as smart as you say (which I don't doubt) don't be afraid to enjoy it - graciously and gracefully, of course.

--blondeMD

(To reply, click here.)

You chose a school of snobs, and that's what you got. Want it to change, change your school or conform. It's also possible that since you don't take yourself too seriously, that perhaps you're NOT as smart as others. Many people claim to be smarter than others due to "the fact that I don't have to brag about my intelligence". . . well, my dog doesn't brag about his intelligence either, but I have yet to see him master long division.

--ghouk

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