If your kids are asking where babies come from but you just can't bear to pollute their innocent minds with talk of S-E-X, head on down to Cleveland, Georgia. There you'll find Babyland General Hospital, a sprawling manor where you can watch a baby being born — out of a cabbage.
Babyland is a cunningly conceptualized showroom for Cabbage Patch Kids, the chubby-faced dolls that became a huge fad in the '80s. It was very clever marketing: the dolls were treated like real babies. You couldn't just buy one, you had to go through an "adoption procedure," during which you received a birth certificate with your new child's name on it.
Babyland General is the hub for adoptions, and the "live births" are a big part of the experience. Every half-hour or so, an employee dressed as a doctor or nurse gets on the PA and announces that there is a "Code Green." This means that Mother Cabbage is in labor and it's time to head to the magical crystal tree to watch a baby being born.
The birthing process lasts under three minutes. A "nurse" in scrubs and latex gloves stands among the cabbages and tells the crowd that Mother Cabbage has dilated "the full 10 leaves apart." As the crystals at the base of the tree begin to glow, the nurse gives the cabbage a shot of "Imagicillin" and announces that she will be performing an "easiotomy" (as opposed to a c-section, which naturally stands for "cabbage section").
The nurse gently spreads the cabbage leaves, reaches in her gloved hands, and slowly pulls out a naked doll. The kids in the crowd murmur, gasp, and applaud. Somewhere far in the distance, a sex educator sighs. The new Cabbage Patch Kid is wrapped in a blanket and the nurse asks for someone in the audience to name her. Newborn Makayla Bella then gets taken for a check-up, after which she is ready for adoption.
Want to experience the magic but can't take a road trip to Georgia this weekend? Here's a video of a live birth:
More dolls to weird you out:
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