What can I do when I've discovered things my family won't tell me?

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Dear Prudence,
My parents asked me to retrieve the fall decorations in the attic recently. In my search, I opened an unmarked, plain brown box and found cards and presents addressed to me! They were sent to me by my aunt and uncle, who I don't know. A couple of the cards had money/old gift certificates. I tore into one of the presents, and the clothes were brand new, in a size 3T, with tags still on them. The cards all said sweet things, like they loved me and hoped I was doing well in school, ballet, etc. I'm not sure how they knew I was doing ballet, because my mom and dad don't speak to or about this aunt and uncle. The only reason I know anything about them at all is through pictures at my great-grandma's house. When I was around 11, I was admiring the pictures of this aunt and uncle, and I asked who they were. My mom said it was her brother and his wife, but "they don't act like Christians towards Grandma" (my mom's mom). Later my great-grandma quietly said, "That's your aunt and uncle. I know they love our family." I found out my grandmother never liked my aunt, and they moved away soon after they were married over 20 years ago. I feel terrible that I never wrote to thank them for their gifts. I don't even know if my parents thanked them. Should I tell my parents that I found the box? I'm 16 now, and I'd like to get to know my aunt and uncle, but I'm afraid of how my parents (especially my mom) will react. I know their names, and I would like to look them up and write or call them, but I don't want to get anyone angry. What should I do?

—Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The proverbial dusty box in the attic has been a godsend for taking the lid off family secrets. You have been deprived of loving relatives, and you're entitled to know them—although this won't be easy. It sounds as if you have an ally in your great-grandmother. Can you have a private conversation with her about your discovery, and your desire to know more of your missing aunt and uncle? At least you'll have a better understanding of the dynamics involved. Since so much of this terrible situation comes from keeping secrets and deciding what's best for others, you should be honest and tell your parents that you found the box, and that you want to know your aunt and uncle. This may result in an outburst from your mother. If it does, try to keep your cool and explain you're not bringing this up to hurt anyone, but that whatever took place 20 years ago, it has kept you from knowing people who obviously wished you the best. Perhaps you'll feel this situation is too explosive for you to seek out your aunt and uncle now. But in just a couple of years you'll be leaving home, and it sounds as if your missing relatives will be easy to find.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence Video: Pierced

Dear Prudence,
I've been dating my boyfriend, "Jack," for the past four years. We worked together at our previous employer, where my mother was the office administrator. Our relationship is now progressing toward marriage, which I couldn't be happier about, but one problem remains—my mother. At some point during Jack's employment, he rubbed my mother the wrong way. I'm very close to her and it's important to me that she approves of the man I marry. I've confronted her several times in the past about what it is that she doesn't like about Jack, but she never gives me a clear answer. Everyone else I know simply adores Jack. I know I can't force her to like him, but is there anything I can say or do to get her to warm up to him ?

—Loving Jack

Dear Loving,
Here we are with another family situation in which one person's secret grudge is making things miserable for everyone else. Fortunately, unlike the girl in the letter above, you're not a minor living with your mother but an independent adult. Sure, you want to be close to your mother, but you must have a serious, calm discussion with her about how her hostility toward Jack is ruining your ability to be close. (And have you asked Jack to enlighten you as to the origin of her animus?) Say that if Jack offended her in some way that is reparable, she needs to say what happened so that she and Jack can clear the air. Perhaps she feels she learned something damaging about Jack's character when all of you worked together. If so, she should have spoken up then, because unless it's something that could affect your life now, the statute of limitations has expired. Tell her that you love her, but that you also love Jack, and that it's up to her to decide to drop the hostility, because you're not dropping him.