How can I choose between the different guys I'm attracted to?

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Dear Prudie,
I am in love with two men. I'm 25, and they are both 30. I met each of them three years ago, and dated both before choosing the one who is my current partner. Maybe I didn't really choose, but my boyfriend was a little more forceful, and the other guy more reserved. I love my boyfriend. He is happy, gorgeous, intelligent, ambitious, and caring. When I was diagnosed with a serious illness, he nurtured me back to health. At the same time, we have always been one of those couples who go to a restaurant and have nothing to talk about. His two interests are basketball and making money, and I often go to the theater alone because he finds my type of entertainment boring. Additionally, he keeps wanting to change me. He would like me to wear more makeup, buy flashier clothes, and visit the spa more often. Then there's the other guy. We recently rekindled our friendship, seeing each other every two months or so and having the best conversations of our lives. He's intelligent, intellectual, and caring, and I'm incredibly attracted to him. I can't be sure if our relationship would be good if we had one, but I would really like to try. I wish my boyfriend would break up with me, so I don't have to feel guilty about this. He's truly a nice guy, and nice guys don't deserve to be dumped. I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is.

—Lucky

Dear Lucky,
Apart from the appearance of a potential Mr. Wonderful No. 2, it sounds as if there are serious problems with Mr. Wonderful No. 1. He may be a good earner, but he bores you silly. And are his attempts to "improve" you his way of sending the message that he finds you plain and dumpy, or his way of saying you're a great-looking woman who could do more with what she's got? Since you're already being emotionally unfaithful, at this point you should have a frank discussion with No. 2 about your feelings. If he shares them, then do the decent, difficult thing and leave your current relationship before embarking on a new one. Even if he doesn't, I doubt you'll find yourself happily working up an interest in the NBA or red lipstick. Don't stay out of guilt. At 25, you're too young to contemplate decades of having nothing to say to your beloved. And if you break up, he will probably have minutes of loneliness before hordes of flashier-dressing women descend on him.

—Prudie

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Dear Prudence,
When I was 19, I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I mutually decided that adoption was the best plan for us and the new baby. Throughout the pregnancy, we became increasingly distant from each other and I figured it was probably never going to work out. We did an open adoption; the adoptive parents are a very loving couple and I adored them. After the baby was born, and for about five years afterward, I received letters about her development and photos of her. However, things did end up working out with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. It has been 11 years since we gave the baby up, and we now have two children of our own. Do you think I have a duty to inform the couple who adopted my baby that she has two blood siblings? I have been fighting myself over this for a couple of years and I just can't make up my mind. On the one hand, I feel that if/when they decide to tell the child about the adoption, she may want to know about her brother and sister. On the other hand, I don't know if they would consider this as intruding in their lives if they have moved on and don't think about me. I just want them all to be happy. Should I wait until some day when she might try to contact us, or should I just write them a letter to let them know?

—Torn

Dear Torn,
Write the letter and enclose photos. Then it's up to the adoptive parents to decide what to do with the information. I don't know what your long-term agreement with them was concerning updates, but they chose an open adoption, and surely it would be better for everyone to have more information about each other, even as you respect their family boundaries. And it's hard to believe that people who choose open adoption have kept it secret from their child that she is adopted. Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, told me that on reunion registries, adoptees are as interested in finding their siblings as their birth parents. He himself is the adoptive parent of a daughter who has full and half siblings by her birth mother, and has always known about them. You can't control what the adoptive parents reveal, but Pertman says that unless there are strong extenuating circumstances, more openness is better for everyone, and it also avoids the awful question, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Interestingly, mogul Steve Jobs was put up for adoption by his young, unmarried parents, who went on to marry, give birth to novelist Mona Simpson, and divorce. The siblings found each other as adults, but Jobs always considered his adoptive parents his only parents.

—Prudie