My ex is airing my dirty laundry to our friends and colleagues. What can I do?

Get "Dear Prudence" delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Dear Prudence,
I've just gotten out of a long relationship that ended rather abruptly and badly. My partner and I were together for almost 10 years, most of them wonderful and loving, but the last year was a complete nightmare. We both work in the same profession—academia—which is a small, small world. This means, first, that there is no real possibility of a clean or permanent break, as we will inevitably run into each other at professional conferences several times a year; and second, that we share many of the same friends and colleagues—most of our common friends are colleagues. The problem is that my ex has been airing our dirty laundry—or, more accurately, my dirty laundry—to many of them. I have refrained from doing this myself, in part because one of the reasons for the breakup was my ex's affair with a colleague, and airing my ex's dirty laundry would also involve damaging the reputation of the third party. I have asked my ex to show me the same consideration, or at least to take responsibility for the affair in telling the story, to no avail. I don't want to engage in retributive gossip-mongering, but I also do not want to let an erroneous account of events circulate unchallenged. Also, I'm worried that this nastiness may eventually have some negative effect on my professional life and relationships. Please don't tell me that I shouldn't worry about what other people think or that "mature people will realize that this is just gossip and will not change their opinions of you on the basis of it." We all know that academics are not known for their maturity or social acumen. What can I do?

—It's (Not) All Academic

Dear Academic,
It's admirable that you don't wish to engage in retribution against your blabbermouth ex, but I don't understand your inability to tell your friends your version of what happened, or your desire to maintain the virginal reputation of the third party. While your former partner may have had an affair, clearly Ex has something salacious to say about you, and Ex is telling everyone. If you simply refuse to talk about it, your former's version becomes the official record. Surely your friends have expressed their concern about your well-being during this difficult time in order to a) express their concern, and b) find out more juicy details. You don't have to engage in character assassination when you say the breakup was painful for all parties, but ultimately you couldn't salvage your relationship once your ex started cheating on you. (If you want to then set off for a hike on the high road, you can decline to disclose colleague X's identity.) Mention this—reluctantly, painfully—to the most reliably gossipy of your friends, and everyone will quickly know there's  another side of this story.

—Prudie

Watch Prudence's latest video letter here.

Dear Prudence,
I'm 36, but look and feel younger. There is a young lady in my office, about 10 years younger than me, whom I enjoy chatting with. Her desk is just a few feet from my office, so I walk past her dozens of times a day. Maybe once or twice a day, I'll stop for a minute and make small talk. She always smiles brightly and jokes with me, and she has said some very complimentary things about my personality and the way I dress. About a month ago, I asked her out for lunch. She said yes without hesitation, and we picked a day. But when that day came, she said she had been so busy that she'd forgotten, and asked if we could do it another day. When the new day came, it was a similar story. We've rescheduled lunch four times now, which seems a little excessive to me. But she continues to be very friendly, pay me compliments, and laugh loudly at my jokes. Is she really not interested, in spite of her telling me that I have a "wonderful personality," that I "look great today," and so on? She's really sweet, and I don't want to let the opportunity to get to know her better slip away, but I also know that repeatedly being "too busy" or "forgetting" is usually a sign that a girl's not interested.

—Confused in Cubicleland

Dear Confused,
You've gotten to know her quite well enough. I have the feeling that when you walk away, she rolls her eyes at her cubicle mates about your latest joke. Now she's demonstrating to them her Pavlovian powers: She compliments your clothes, and you keep asking her out—no matter how many times she gives you a lame excuse for breaking the date. Continue to give her a delighted smile and nod when you pass by, but stop pausing for small talk and jokes. Your friendly withdrawal may actually prompt her to reschedule that lunch. But if she does, you have to decide if you want to pursue someone who makes you feel like Charlie Brown after Lucy has yanked the football out from under him yet again.

—Prudie