What if Woody Allen Had Directed Watchmen?

How other directors might have filmed the comics classic.

Woody Allen

Allen sets his romantic comedy on the Upper West Side, where wealthy dermatologist Dr. Herbert Manhattan (Allen) suffers a freak accident with his dermabrasion machine. How will his blue skin and omnipotence affect his relationship with beautiful but scatterbrained silk importer Laurie Juspeczyk (Scarlett Johansson)?
© Ashley Quigg.
Judd Apatow
The Watchmen haven't been acting like heroes lately. In fact, they've mostly been sitting around their Los Angeles apartment watching TV. They're the closest of friends, but when nuclear Armageddon threatens, can they put joking aside, face adulthood, and save the world? Starring Paul Rudd as Dr. Manhattan, Seth Rogen as Nite Owl, Jonah Hill as Rorschach, and Michael Cera as the Comedian. Kristen Wiig appears in a nonspeaking role as Silk Spectre.
© Ashley Quigg.
Quentin Tarantino
As Jackie Brown was a tribute to '70s blaxploitation, Kill Bill was a tribute to '70s kung fu, and Death Proof was a tribute to '70s grindhouse, so Quentin Tarantino makes Watchmen a tribute to the fourth in his canon of formative aesthetic influences: '70s Hanna-Barbera cartoons. In three half-hour episodes, the Watchmen—plus their new friends, Danny the Boy Detective and Mighty Mutt—discover that an extraterrestrial squid plans to explode in a beautiful national park. Working together, the Watchmen convince the squid that our nation's precious natural resources are too important to destroy.
© Ashley Quigg.
Tyler Perry
Finally, a comic-book movie that recognizes the real superhero: God. Masked vigilante Rorschach (Madea [Tyler Perry]) winds up in prison after retaliating against a woman who stole her parking space. Forced to steer clear of the angry criminals she's put behind bars, Rorschach must re-examine her habit of taking justice into her own hands—instead of leaving it to God's will. Meanwhile, Rorschach's best friends, Nite Owl (Wendell Pierce) and Silk Spectre (Keshia Knight Pulliam), have seen their relationship hit the rocks. When they spring Rorschach from prison, hilarity ensues—along with spiritual growth.
© Ashley Quigg.
Sofia Coppola
It's 1985. The Soviets are amassing on the Afghan border. American forces are at DEFCON 2. Nuclear apocalypse is nigh. And in New York City, with gangs roaming the streets and dread in the air, Ozymandias (Jason Schwartzman) and Silk Spectre (Kirsten Dunst) head out for one final night of clubbing and karaoke. Pictured: a still from the movie's dramatic centerpiece, an 11-minute shot of Dunst staring out a taxicab window while Television's "Marquee Moon" plays in its entirety.
© Ashley Quigg.
Pedro Almodóvar
The Spanish auteur surprises Hollywood by agreeing to direct Watchmen and makes a perfectly crafted, emotionally powerful superhero movie, but with one twist: The Watchmen become the Watchwomen, played by the most potent collection of screen divas ever assembled, with Salma Hayek as Rorschach, Penélope Cruz as Nite Owl, Michelle Yeoh as Ozymandias, Julianne Moore as Dr. Manhattan, and Sophia Loren as the Comedienne. Gael García Bernal co-stars, in drag, as Silk Spectre.
© Ashley Quigg.

Plenty of Watchmen fans—and critics —have complained about Zack Snyder, "the visionary director of 300," being enlisted to direct the movie version of the most acclaimed comic book of all time, Watchmen. But it could've been worse! Imagine if Watchmen had been directed by Judd Apatow, or Sofia Coppola, or Woody Allen. Actually, you don't have to imagine those dire scenarios: We've imagined them for you.

Click here for a slide show of stills from alternate-reality Watchmen films.