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Chatterbox Wears Bill Gates' Clothes

David PlotzPosted Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2001, at 4:40 PM ET

Chatterbox, like every Microsoft employee, dreams of being Bill Gates. If only I could stand in Bill G.'s shoes for a day: The power! The wealth! The house!

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Sometimes dreams do come true. Chatterbox didn't stand in The Boss's shoes, but this week he did the next best thing. He wore Bill Gates' clothes.

Chatterbox's perverse relationship with Bill Gates' apparel began in early January, when he read a story in the Wall Street Journal claiming Gates is a South Korean fashion icon. According to Journal reporter Hae Won Choi, young businessmen are forsaking Korea's formal wardrobe for Gates casual: At Internet startups, the most ambitious young men are chucking Hugo Boss suits and Givenchy ties for "round, tortoiseshell eyeglasses, unpolished shoes, and wrinkle-free pants." A huge clothing company is designing Gatesian duds for the mass market. Choi speculated that Gates fashion had caught on because it epitomizes the freewheeling American way of doing business: Gateswear is "the clothing of liberation," posited one Korean "fashion researcher."

Chatterbox was skeptical of the Journal story. He thought it sounded a bit like the stories Stephen Glass fabricated for the New Republic. The details had a too-odd-to-be-true quality: Would fashion designers really gain inspiration from a bulletin-board montage of Gates photos? Chatterbox decided to check out the story by e-mailing the named companies and entrepreneurs and asking if it was for real.

A reply quickly arrived from Song Moon Young, "Executive Officer, Casual Brand BeanPole Div., Cheil Industries, Inc." Choi's reporting was right on. Cheil Industries has indeed assigned an 11-member team to design Gatesian "easy casual fashion." Young's BeanPole division--which is modeled on Ralph Lauren's Polo ("but makes better, No. 1, profits")--"targets Bill Gates as 'Venture fashion leader,' " by making "blue shirts and wrinkle-free pants." (There is no indication that Cheil ever asked Gates' permission or sought his advice before using him as its fashion model.)

Song Moon Young noticed Chatterbox's Microsoft e-mail address. He wanted to send Bill Gates a present: Could Chatterbox tell him where to mail it?

Of course. Chatterbox suggested that BeanPole send the Gates' gift care of Chatterbox, who would make sure Bill got it. Chatterbox gave Young a guess of Gates' size: 6'1", 165 lbs.

Several weeks passed, and Chatterbox forgot about Cheil Industries. Then one morning last week a huge DHL package arrived at Slate's Washington, D.C., office. Inside, packed carefully into forest-green BeanPole boxes and hanging bags, were three dress shirts (gray, light blue, white), three cotton sweaters (gray, purple, beige), a khaki sport coat, and a khaki windbreaker. An accompanying note offered Bill Gates a present of the "Bill Gates' style costume."

Pause for a message to Cheil Industries, Microsoft lawyers, and Slate readers: Chatterbox's acceptance of the BeanPole gift does not in any way hint, signify, imply, insinuate, intimate, or suggest that Bill Gates, Microsoft Corporation, Slate.com, or Chatterbox himself endorses, approves of, or likes BeanPole clothing. Nor does acceptance of the gift in any way accept, acknowledge, avow, or recognize that Cheil Industries has any right whatsoever to exploit Bill Gates' name, image, likeness, or whatever. Got it?

Chatterbox is no fashion maven, but he's familiar enough with Gates' duds. A quick survey of the BeanPole collection suggested that the Korean designers have indeed aped the Gates style. Bill G. does wear casual, button-down shirts and soft V-necks in solid colors, and khaki is a favorite fabric. (On the other hand, neither Bill Gates nor any other American has ever been seen wearing a logo quite as peculiar or prominent as BeanPole's. The logo, a tuxedoed man in a top hat riding an old-time bicycle, stands for "the American dream applied to Korean industry," Song Moon Young writes. BeanPole is so proud of this symbol, apparently, that it even placed it on the side pocket of the sports jacket.)

When the threads arrived, Chatterbox knew in his heart he should immediately forward them to Bill G. Chatterbox is a loyal employee. Chatterbox is not the kind of person who tries on other people's clothes. But Chatterbox couldn't help noting that he is just Gates' size. Chatterbox too wears little eyeglasses, V-necks, and soft-collar button-downs. What could be the harm?...

Chatterbox could not resist. He tentatively removed the blue button-down shirt from the tissue paper. He slipped it on. It fit. A feeling of power coursed through Chatterbox's veins.

Chatterbox slid the khaki sports jacket over the shirt. A new sensation: In this outfit, I could eat Judge Jackson for lunch!

Off with the jacket, on with the purple V-neck. The number ONE office suite! The number ONE operating system! The number ONE company!

Finally, the khaki casual jacket--just right for strolling the Microsoft campus on a brisk spring day: I can't bundle the browser into the operating system? So what!? I can bundle myself into this coat.

After 15 delightful minutes playing Gates, Chatterbox was overcome with shame and packed up the clothes. They will be shipped on to their rightful owner tomorrow. Note to Bill G.: Chatterbox is keeping the blue shirt, the only article of clothing that actually touched skin. But if you want, Chatterbox will dry-clean the shirt and send it, too.

Photographs by Jeremy Derfner.

E-mail Timothy Noah at .

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David Plotz is Slate's editor. He is the author of Good Book: The Bizarre, Hilarious, Disturbing, Marvelous, and Inspiring Things I Learned When I Read Every Single Word of the Bible. You can e-mail him at .

COMMENTS

Reader Comments From The Fray:

[Notes from the Fray Editor: We have long suspected that Zeitguy is Slate's ideal reader, and with his post below he proves it. Other Fray posters--while welcome and treasured--are a little more racy, and need to be reminded that it is not the Fray Editor's job to introduce them to that cute Mr Plotz. Nor is it her job to comment on his marital status (except to say don't get your hopes up). Jim B suggests here that a hardhat might be added to the ensemble, in honor of our Seattle earthquake, but we feel this would drive Mr Plotz' fans even more crazy (that construction/computer guy combo), so let's not take the risk.

[Added later] Hot news: Mr Plotz answers the fanmail--and then so does his wife here. Though if you want to calm down the Fray, Hanna, that image you summon in your post to this admirer is not the way to do it.]

I admit it is exactly this kind of article that keeps me coming back to Slate day after day. Global politics, Washington infighting, Literary hubris, scandal and heartbreak rise and fall as regular tides upon the great grey beaches of the Times' and Posts. Only the Slate can bring this perfection of the metaphor of modern existence to life in such a soft, v-necked, solid-colored style.

--Zeitguy

(To reply, click here.)

Even though I am a heterosexual male, I feel I must point out that I like the cut of David Plotz' jib. For some reason, I always pictured him as kind of a wonky-looking guy, but the photographs shown in this article show him to be a rather handsome fellow.

I wonder if Slate would do its readers the favor of posting photographs of all of its writers. That way, we can place a face to a name, and know who is hot, and who is not.

--Mark

(To reply, click here.)

At this moment I too am wearing a blue button-downed shirt (minus logo), khaki pants, and non-polished shoes. What power. Actually, I feel empowered with a full suit on and a fresh haircut. I believe that casual wear will be for that purpose in the future--casual. Perhaps it's the conservative trend in Washington. I have 5 pairs of khaki-beige casual pants as well as a couple different pair of green and blue in my closet. The only time I do wear a suit is on Sunday to church and even that is not necessary in this day and age.

You know, I'm about the same height and only slightly heavier than President Bush. Perhaps I can finagle having some his wardrobe sent to me by some foreign clothier... Enjoy the shirt.

--Bud from Missouri

(To reply, click here.)

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