I live in the 21^st century. Why should I have to experience minor pain? The miraculous pharmaceutical developments of our age have created a treatment for virtually every ache and malady. The vagaries of our regulatory system allow us to purchase many of these treatments in bulk, over the counter, for very little money. There is no good reason to leave the house without a cure for what might ail you in a few hours. And that is why I carry around a portable mini-pharmacy with me everywhere I go—and you should, too.

Everyone scoffs at the mini-pharmacy, which comprises one full pocket of a raggedy old backpack I tote around all day, as it clatters audibly up and down. I have everything in there, but the focus is on painkillers for headaches. Have you ever stoically suffered through a headache? That’s stupid. You should never do that. And if we were friends, you’d never have to. If you and I are ever in the same room, I will happily provide whichever pills you require.

Let me explain. Most headaches—and for that matter, muscle aches—can be knocked out with a single dose of ibuprofen, which you know as Motrin; Advil; or, if you’re a Brit, Nurofen. There is no magic to that and certainly no need to see a doctor. Do you have a headache? Great! Take a Motrin. Really bad pain? Let’s try naproxen (Aleve, Naprosyn) and double the dose in an hour if you’re still suffering. Really really bad pain? Don’t tell anyone, but I picked up some Nurofen Plus last time I was in London—ibuprofen with a touch of codeine, no prescription required at Boots!—and I’m happy to share.

By the way, don’t take acetaminophen (Tylenol to you, Paracetamol to Brits). Acetaminophen is for chumps. Also, if you take a bit too much, you might wake up dead. No fun at all!

Of course, you don’t want to be popping these suckers constantly. Abuse them over time and you’re looking at a heightened risk for strokes and heart attacks. But don’t worry: I’ve got you covered. Let’s talk about your pain. Lots of pressure in your skull? Feeling like a blowfish puffed out behind your nose? Odds are, you’ve got finicky sinuses. Probably runs in the family. Your mom should have warned you! For that, we’ll turn to Sudafed—the real stuff, the kind where they scan your driver’s license at the pharmacy and treat you like a meth-cooker. Yes, it’s behind the counter, but you don’t need a prescription, unless you live in Mississippi or Oregon, and screw those states. Oh, by the way, that new Sudafed you get over the counter? The kind where they don’t scan your license? It doesn’t work. Total shite. Throw it away.

Do not take 12-hour Sudafed. I repeat, do not take 12-hour Sudafed. Come to me and I’ll give you a nice mild dose of two tiny red pills. Taking one 12-hour Sudafed is like taking 12 of those little red pills at once. They say it’s a “time-release formula,” but don’t believe it. A little Sudafed might make you drowsy. A 12-hour Sudafed will push you down a hole of writhing existential horror that will rip the carpet out from under all your neat little rationalizations and coping mechanisms to reveal the true, grotesque nature of your grisly reality. Just say no.

If you find yourself downing too much Sudafed, we can chat about more underlying causes. Allergies? Fexofenadine (Allegra) is my gold standard for long-term antihistamines. I buy six months’ worth at a time so please, take a dozen. Acute allergy crisis? I’m afraid I’m going to have to suggest diphenhydramine (Benadryl), although it’ll be lights out within an hour. Persistent congestion throughout allergy season? You’re really rolling the  dice with oxymetazoline (Afrin), a nasal spray works like a dream but has a pretty brutal come-down that can leave you more blocked up then before. I prefer a nice gentle saline spray; coincidentally, I have an unused backup ready to go, just for you! If sinus struggles made you dizzy, we’ll try some meclizine (Bonine) then scale up to dimenhydrinate (Dramamine) if necessary, although the latter might send you to the fainting couch.

Let’s talk stomach. Do you have one? Then it is probably a pain in the ass. That’s relevant, too. Stomachs are all about equilibrium—keeping you comfortably regular without turning you into a ruptured pipeline or that pitch-drop experiment. Hate to be boring, but bismuth subsalicylate (Pepto-Bismol) really does do the trick for run-of-the-mill indigestion. Bloated? Simethicone—Gas-X in the States, Wind-eze (!) in Britain—is a trusty remedy. I don’t really go in for laxatives; once you realize there’s a problem on that front, it’s probably too late to solve it, if you catch my drift. But I highly recommend a daily dose of probiotics to ward off the blockage.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Stern, are you constantly jamming pills down your throat without a doctor’s supervision? The answer is no! My pharmacy is mostly for you; a quick survey of acquaintances suggests that almost nobody else carries amount more than a spare Motrin, meaning you need me more than you realize. I don’t often get headaches or stomachaches, and I treat my back problems (all tall people have back problems) with occasional physical therapy. My pharmacy is all about giving back to the world. I want my friends, family, and co-workers to be happy and comfortable. Pain is not interesting or informative or character-building or necessary. It is unpleasant and pointless and should be avoided whenever possible. So join me in helping others by stocking up with treatments they didn’t even know they needed. Let’s make pain-free living the new normal.

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