Dumb Criminal of the Week: The Florida Man Who Allegedly Had Marijuana in His Pubic Hair

A blog about murder, theft, and other wickedness.
May 30 2013 2:06 PM

Dumb Criminal of the Week: The Florida Man Who Allegedly Had Marijuana in His Pubic Hair

Illustration by Robert Neubecker.

Illustration by Robert Neubecker

Crime is Slate’s crime blog. Like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter @slatecrime.

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Alleged crime: Possession of a controlled substance without a prescription.

Fatal mistake: Stashing his drugs in the wrong place.

The circumstances: May 13 was a bad day for a Florida man named Harrison Preston. First, he got jumped at a convenience store, and was beaten so bad that an ambulance had to be called to the scene. And, as the Northwest Florida Daily News reported, things only got worse once the ambulance arrived: “An EMT who was trying to secure Harrison in the ambulance found a bag filled with a ‘green leafy substance’ stuffed in his underpants.”

That green, leafy substance turned out to be—you guessed it—broccolini. No, I’m kidding, it was apparently 31.2 grams worth of marijuana, a fact gathered by the arresting officer, who “wrote in the arrest report that he saw several pieces of a green, leafy substance stuck in Preston’s pubic hair.” (This being Florida, that probably wasn’t even the weirdest thing the officer saw that day.) Preston was charged with possession, and will be in court next month.

Full disclosure: I feel really bad for Preston, who had the double misfortune to be beat up at a convenience store, and then to run into a by-the-books EMT who, upon finding weed on a patient, actually reported that patient to the cops—which totally seems like it should violate whatever version of the Hippocratic oath EMTs take.

How he could have been a lot smarter: Preston should have stayed away from convenience stores entirely. Not only are they filled with lottery tickets and unhealthy processed foods, they are also the sorts of places where you will get beat up for no apparent reason.

How he could have been a little smarter: The really embarrassing part here is the weed flakes in Preston’s pubic hair. Either grow that hair out until the weed gets lost in the thicket, or wax your crotch so that the flakes slide cleanly down your pants. If he’s interested in that last option, I can recommend a few good wax joints.

How he could have been a little dumber: Well, I guess he could have won the convenience store fight, which would mean he’d be facing a battery charge in addition to the world’s most humiliating possession charge.

How he could have been a lot dumber: “And just wait ‘til you see what I’ve got around back!”

Ultimate Dumbness Ranking (UDR): Low. Preston is really more of an Unlucky Florida Man of the Week than anything else. If it was up to me, carrying weed in your underwear would be not only legal, but actively encouraged. But Preston didn’t live in the Federated States of Justin. He lives in Florida, a very weird state where they will arrest you if you are black and get caught with pot in your pubes. If Preston were smart, he would have realized this and planned accordingly. The fact that he didn’t makes him a dumb criminal. But just barely. 2 out of 10 for Harrison Preston.

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