Name: Harrison Preston
Alleged crime: Possession of a controlled substance without a prescription.
Fatal mistake: Stashing his drugs in the wrong place.
The circumstances: May 13 was a bad day for a Florida man named Harrison Preston. First, he got jumped at a convenience store, and was beaten so bad that an ambulance had to be called to the scene. And, as the Northwest Florida Daily News reported, things only got worse once the ambulance arrived: “An EMT who was trying to secure Harrison in the ambulance found a bag filled with a ‘green leafy substance’ stuffed in his underpants.”
That green, leafy substance turned out to be—you guessed it—broccolini. No, I’m kidding, it was apparently 31.2 grams worth of marijuana, a fact gathered by the arresting officer, who “wrote in the arrest report that he saw several pieces of a green, leafy substance stuck in Preston’s pubic hair.” (This being Florida, that probably wasn’t even the weirdest thing the officer saw that day.) Preston was charged with possession, and will be in court next month.
Full disclosure: I feel really bad for Preston, who had the double misfortune to be beat up at a convenience store, and then to run into a by-the-books EMT who, upon finding weed on a patient, actually reported that patient to the cops—which totally seems like it should violate whatever version of the Hippocratic oath EMTs take.
How he could have been a lot smarter: Preston should have stayed away from convenience stores entirely. Not only are they filled with lottery tickets and unhealthy processed foods, they are also the sorts of places where you will get beat up for no apparent reason.
How he could have been a little smarter: The really embarrassing part here is the weed flakes in Preston’s pubic hair. Either grow that hair out until the weed gets lost in the thicket, or wax your crotch so that the flakes slide cleanly down your pants. If he’s interested in that last option, I can recommend a few good wax joints.
How he could have been a little dumber: Well, I guess he could have won the convenience store fight, which would mean he’d be facing a battery charge in addition to the world’s most humiliating possession charge.
How he could have been a lot dumber: “And just wait ‘til you see what I’ve got around back!”
Ultimate Dumbness Ranking (UDR): Low. Preston is really more of an Unlucky Florida Man of the Week than anything else. If it was up to me, carrying weed in your underwear would be not only legal, but actively encouraged. But Preston didn’t live in the Federated States of Justin. He lives in Florida, a very weird state where they will arrest you if you are black and get caught with pot in your pubes. If Preston were smart, he would have realized this and planned accordingly. The fact that he didn’t makes him a dumb criminal. But just barely. 2 out of 10 for Harrison Preston.
Previous Dumb Criminals of the Week: The Three Guys Who Accidentally Butt-Dialed 911 Mid-Crime; The Alleged Burglar Who Fell Asleep on a Bear Skin Mid-Burglary; The Alleged Domestic Abuser Who Got Beat Up By Robbers; The Alleged Disability Insurance Scammers Whose Frauds Got Caught on Camera; The NFL Player Who Wanted To Be a Drug Kingpin; The Painfully Insecure Bank Robber; The Brazilian Transvestite Who Hid Cocaine Inside His Prosthetic Butt; The Pimply Guy Who Stole a Bunch of Bus Transfers; The Naked Guy Who Really, Really Loved Cocaine; The Guy Who Tried to Outrun the Cops on a Very, Very Slow-Moving Moped; The Drunk Driver Who Boasted About It on Facebook; The Guy Who Brought 32 Bags of Weed into a Courtroom; The Drug Smuggler Whose Fake Breasts Were Made of Cocaine; The Guy Who Gave the Cops an Absolutely Terrible Fake Name; The Job Candidate Who Told the FBI about His Child Porn Stash.