Name: Unnamed alleged domestic abuser
Crime: Simple assault – domestic violence.
Fatal mistake: Not realizing that what goes around comes around.
The circumstances: Domestic abusers are bullies and cowards who deserve nothing but scorn, societal disapprobation, and, every now and then, a humiliating public comeuppance. That brings us, via Washington, D.C.’s PoPville blog, to a Metropolitan Police Department bulletin that is as satisfying as it is brief, and an example of the sort of vigilantism I can get behind.
On Saturday, April 27, around 4:15 a.m., the unnamed perpetrator and his girlfriend got into an argument near the intersection of Vermont Ave. and K St. NW in downtown Washington. The argument escalated, and the guy started physically assaulting his girlfriend. Luckily for her, three passers-by intervened. Unluckily for him, the passers-by started to rough him up—or, as the MPD put it, “commenced to strike the complainant about the body”—before taking some cash and his cell phone and fleeing the scene. When the three guys departed, the original girlfriend-beater apparently did what any theft victim might do, and complained to the police. This was a bad idea—for him. As MPD put it, “The complainant was arrested and charged with simple assault-domestic violence regarding the assault that he allegedly committed on his girlfriend.”
Details are scarce from this point on, so we don’t know exactly how this guy went from contacting the cops about his stolen phone to being arrested himself. But in general, it’s a bad idea to call the police to report a crime if there’s a chance they’re going to arrest you for some other crime. This seems obvious. If you’re robbed in the process of committing some other crime, consider it karmic justice and go home, tend to your wounds, and reflect on the error of your ways.
How he could have been a lot smarter: Don’t hit your girlfriend. Ever.
How he could have been a little smarter: Seriously, don’t hit your girlfriend.
How he could have been a little dumber: “It was Chris Brown, I swear! Look, he’s getting away!”
How he could have been a lot dumber: “You’re arresting me for hitting my girlfriend? I’ll show you hitting!” (lunges at police)
Ultimate Dumbness Ranking (UDR): Dumb and cowardly. And it just goes to show that good things very rarely happen after 4 in the morning, especially not at K and Vermont in downtown D.C. What, did he think the Juice Joint was going to unexpectedly open its doors and start handing out free juice? There’s no such thing as free juice! 9 out of 10 for the unnamed alleged domestic abuser.
Previous Dumb Criminals of the Week: The Alleged Disability Insurance Scammers Whose Frauds Got Caught on Camera; The NFL Player Who Wanted To Be a Drug Kingpin;The Painfully Insecure Bank Robber; The Brazilian Transvestite Who Hid Cocaine Inside His Prosthetic Butt; The Pimply Guy Who Stole a Bunch of Bus Transfers; The Naked Guy Who Really, Really Loved Cocaine; The Guy Who Tried to Outrun the Cops on a Very, Very Slow-Moving Moped; The Drunk Driver Who Boasted About It on Facebook; The Guy Who Brought 32 Bags of Weed into a Courtroom; The Drug Smuggler Whose Fake Breasts Were Made of Cocaine; The Guy Who Gave the Cops an Absolutely Terrible Fake Name; The Job Candidate Who Told the FBI about His Child Porn Stash