Dumb Criminal of the Week: The Brazilian Transvestite Who Hid Cocaine Inside His Prosthetic Butt

Crime
A blog about murder, theft, and other wickedness.
March 21 2013 5:35 PM

Dumb Criminal of the Week: The Brazilian Transvestite Who Hid Cocaine Inside His Prosthetic Butt

Cocaine
Bags filled with cocaine.

Photo by ERNESTO BENAVIDES/AFP/Getty Images

Crime is Slate’s crime blog. Like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter @slatecrime.

Name: Unidentified Brazilian transvestite

Advertisement

Crime: Drug smuggling.

Fatal mistake: Having the wrong kind of junk in his trunk.

The circumstances: From the invaluable foreign-language news translation site Worldcrunch comes the ridiculous story of a Brazilian transvestite who attempted to smuggle 1.7 kilograms worth of cocaine onto a Portugal-bound flight by stashing the drugs inside his prosthetic butt. (I could end the story right there—good night, everybody!—but I’ll soldier on.) This wasn’t the worst idea, I suppose. If you’ve been to an airport lately, you know that there are a lot of fat-bottomed travelers out there. What’s one more bulging rear?

Unfortunately, this man wasn’t in America, where our asses have been shaped through a national regimen of Big Gulps and sitting, but in Brazil, whose population consists entirely of soccer players and supermodels. It’s the sort of place where a big butt might attract some attention, especially if that big butt is attached to a presumably nervous drug-smuggling transvestite. The Worldcrunch story notes that Brazilian police had already been tipped off to the scheme before making the arrest, but, really, they probably would have noticed something even without the inside information. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to sense there’s some funny business surrounding a sweaty, nervous transvestite leaking white powder from his curiously protuberant rear.

The name of the game in drug running is discretion. You do not want to attract undue attention to your illegal antics. And maybe it’s a sad comment on the state of our society, but transvestites tend to attract more than their fair share of gawks and glances even when they’re not engaged in international drug trafficking. Putting cocaine in your butt isn’t going to make you less noticeable.

How he could have been a lot smarter: This is an easy one: Don’t smuggle drugs onto international flights. Just don’t do it. If you absolutely must smuggle drugs, stash them somewhere other than a fake butt.

How he could have been a little smarter: He could’ve worn a decoy prosthetic butt over the coke-laden prosthetic butt.

How he could have been a little stupider: “I’d like to check this suspicious-looking prosthetic butt, please.”

How he could have been a lot stupider: He could’ve duct-taped the drugs to the outside of his pants.

Ultimate Dumbness Ranking (UDR): This guy was dumb because he was sloppy. In December, I wrote about an ill-fated drug mule who attempted to evade detection by implanting small bags of cocaine inside her breasts. While that strategy was ultimately flawed, you had to give the woman credit for committing to the bit. Compared to her, this guy wasn’t even trying. Drug-running is dangerous, and if you want to get away with it, you have to give it your best effort. You can’t do it half-assed. 7 out of 10 for the drug-running transvestite.

Justin Peters is a writer for Slate. He is working on a book about Aaron Swartz, copyright, and the rise of “free culture.” Email him at justintrevett@fastmail.fm.

TODAY IN SLATE

Culturebox

The Ebola Story

How our minds build narratives out of disaster.

The Budget Disaster That Completely Sabotaged the WHO’s Response to Ebola

PowerPoint Is the Worst, and Now It’s the Latest Way to Hack Into Your Computer

The Shooting Tragedies That Forged Canada’s Gun Politics

A Highly Unscientific Ranking of Crazy-Old German Beers

Education

Welcome to 13th Grade!

Some high schools are offering a fifth year. That’s a great idea.

Culturebox

The Actual World

“Mount Thoreau” and the naming of things in the wilderness.

Want Kids to Delay Sex? Let Planned Parenthood Teach Them Sex Ed.

Would You Trust Walmart to Provide Your Health Care? (You Should.)

  News & Politics
Politics
Oct. 22 2014 9:42 PM Landslide Landrieu Can the Louisiana Democrat use the powers of incumbency to save herself one more time?
  Business
Continuously Operating
Oct. 22 2014 2:38 PM Crack Open an Old One A highly unscientific evaluation of Germany’s oldest breweries.
  Life
Gentleman Scholar
Oct. 22 2014 5:54 PM May I Offer to Sharpen My Friends’ Knives? Or would that be rude?
  Double X
The XX Factor
Oct. 22 2014 4:27 PM Three Ways Your Text Messages Change After You Get Married
  Slate Plus
Tv Club
Oct. 22 2014 5:27 PM The Slate Walking Dead Podcast A spoiler-filled discussion of Episodes 1 and 2.
  Arts
Culturebox
Oct. 22 2014 11:54 PM The Actual World “Mount Thoreau” and the naming of things in the wilderness.
  Technology
Future Tense
Oct. 22 2014 5:33 PM One More Reason Not to Use PowerPoint: It’s The Gateway for a Serious Windows Vulnerability
  Health & Science
Wild Things
Oct. 22 2014 2:42 PM Orcas, Via Drone, for the First Time Ever
  Sports
Sports Nut
Oct. 20 2014 5:09 PM Keepaway, on Three. Ready—Break! On his record-breaking touchdown pass, Peyton Manning couldn’t even leave the celebration to chance.