The Trump presidency is already fiascos wherever you look, from Trump sending his press secretary to tell absurd lies to the press on his second day to Trump sending Kellyanne Conway to offer an even more absurd defense of his press secretary’s absurd lies on his third day. But no failure has been more embarrassing to our embarrassing new president than his absolute inability to book A-listers, or even C-listers, to perform at his inaugural balls. That’s why it’s absolutely crucial that President Trump devote his full energy between now and 2020 to booking a killer lineup for his 2020 inauguration. (If this took up so much of his time that he didn’t really do anything else aspPresident, we’d be okay with that.) So here are the five must-have acts President Trump absolutely has to book, as soon as possible, for 2020. Our nation’s dignity depends on it.
The C Street Band, a Tribute to the B Street Band, a Tribute to Bruce Springsteen
It’s true that the event the B Street Band, a Tribute to Bruce Springsteen pulled out of in 2016, New Jersey’s Garden State Inaugural Gala, wasn’t actually a Trump inaugural event. It’s also true that the story was nevertheless irresistible to the press and an embarrassment to the president. Trump should get ahead of this issue right away by creating, then booking, the C Street Band, a Tribute to the B Street Band, a Tribute to Bruce Springsteen. He’s always looked like a disreputable band manager; with the power of the presidency, he can surely become one. Audiences will thrill as one of the Piano Guys does a note-perfect imitation of B Streeter keyboardist Will Forte’s note-perfect imitation of E Street band keyboardist Roy Bittan’s work. It’ll be just like seeing the real B Street Band, a Tribute to Bruce Springsteen. And if there’s one thing a Trump inaugural crowd will love, it’s arrhythmically clapping along to “Born in the U.S.A.” loudly enough that they don’t accidentally listen to the lyrics.
The Badly Animated Emperor from 1994 Video Game TIE Fighter
President Trump wasn’t able to book him for the convention, but imagine the thrill on the National Mall when this uncanny-valley resident makes his return to the national stage in 2020! His gravelly voice is perfectly suited to the set of Tom Waits covers he’s been quietly trying out in coffee shops, and his lifeless death mask will distract the audience from the president’s even-more-ravaged-by-age face as he begins his second term.
Beyoncé
Some people may say Beyoncé wouldn’t agree to perform at a Trump inaugural concert. Those people are forgetting the example of Rebecca Ferguson, who said she’d perform at his first inaugural ball if she were allowed to sing “Strange Fruit.” Beyoncé is no stranger to using the stage to push a political agenda—think of her Super Bowl performance—and just imagine how many opportunities she’ll have to send a message to Trump and his supporters by 2020? With future hits like “If You Hadn’t Invaded Canada,” “Run the World (Please Stop)” and “We’ll Pay Higher Taxes if You at Least Bury the Bodies From the Pantex Plant Disaster,” this has the potential to be an electrifying moment of the kind of successful celebrity-driven activism that worked so well for Hillary Clinton.
Charlie and His Orchestra
Everybody loves swing music, and nobody brings vintage swing classics to life like Charlie and His Orchestra. Karl Schwedler’s smooth vocal stylings almost completely cover up his German accent, and his toe-tapping songs about anti-Semitism (he’s for it) should resonate with Trump’s base. The hardest thing about booking Charlie and His Orchestra may be tracking them down, as their biweekly performances on international shortwave radio stopped abruptly in 1945 for some reason.
Some Guy in a Bootleg “Mallard Fillmore” Outfit
Some people may say that this guy isn’t even wearing a “Mallard Fillmore” outfit at all. Some people may say that he’s wearing what appears to be the remains of a costume of Sam the Olympic Eagle, the mascot of the 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics. These people are right, in a literal sense—the costume came from a storage unit auction in Exposition Park where, full disclosure, a family of rats was happily living—but like everything Trump does, “Mallard’s” performance has to be taken seriously, not literally. He may not literally look like Bruce Tinsley’s beloved conservative duck, he may not literally have the rights to the character, he may have literally spelled “Mallard Fillmore” wrong on the cardboard sign he’s holding, but when “Mallerd” urges the crowd to crack down on “rioters, looters, and violent disruptors,” it’ll be really fucking serious.
