The speakers at the Republican National Convention started weird and are getting weirder. Professional golfers, multi-level marketing executives, a casino owner wearing sunglasses indoors, and a defeated rival who didn’t even endorse him: It’s such a dog’s breakfast that Slate has had to explain who these people are on a daily basis. Have some sympathy for Donald Trump, though: He tried his best to put together a more coherent lineup. Republicans turned him down, Tim Tebow backed out, and Father Coughlin is dead.
But it’s not too late for Trump to turn this around—all he needs is a last-night surprise. We’ve picked six speakers whose eloquence and competence would raise the bar and convince the nation that Trump is, if not exactly serious, at least not as flamboyantly incompetent as the convention so far has made him seem. Any one of these would improve the convention; all six would make history.
Max Headroom
So many of the speakers at the Republican National Convention have clearly never addressed a crowd before, but Max Headroom has! But it’s not just his public speaking experience that makes Headroom such a good choice—as the spokesman for New Coke, he’s used to throwing his support behind catastrophically ill-conceived campaigns.
The Badly Animated Emperor From 1994 Video Game Tie Fighter
One law and order candidate deserves another, and this animated Emperor Palpatine combines the tough-on-crime policies Republicans crave with the age and experience they find relatable. Plus, the limited animation of the 1990s ensures he can’t go off-script like Ted Cruz: His mouth only has a few positions.
The Guy Who Pretended to Be Max Headroom in 1987
If Max Headroom isn’t available, perhaps Trump could get the fake Max Headroom who hijacked Chicago-area TV broadcasts in 1987 instead! True, to this day no one knows who the broadcast pirate was—but let’s face it, no one knows who the other convention speakers are either.
The Recalled “Math Class Is Tough” Teen Talk Barbie
Trump has been having trouble with women, mostly because he doesn’t much like them. But perhaps 1992’s recalled Teen Talk Barbie could turn that around. With a speech built around simple, memorable, relatable slogans like “party dresses are fun,” and “math class is tough,” Teen Talk Barbie could fire up the crowd and help Trump close the gender gap.
A Staticky Recording of a Numbers Station From the Mid-1990s
Some would argue that a recording of a 1994 shortwave broadcast of a long-dead voice reading indecipherable numbers decades ago for the benefit of presumably also long-dead CIA agents would not make for a very compelling convention speech. To them, we say, “Have you been watching the convention so far?”
Box, the Homicidal Robot From Logan’s Run
No one’s absence at this year’s convention is more glaring than that of Box from Logan’s Run. His stentorian voice would singlehandedly make up for days of uncertain deliveries and teleprompter freezes, and on a personal level, he and Trump are clearly simpatico—just listen to him ask Logan, “Overwhelming, am I not?” His “fish, plankton, sea greens, and protein from the sea” policies would draw in environmentalists, while his “laugh maniacally while freezing people solid” policies would draw in Republicans who think environmentalists should be frozen solid. Perhaps most importantly of all, a stirring speech from Box (followed by a blast from his freeze ray toward Cruz and Ryan) would practically guarantee him the nomination in 2020. Look to the future, Republicans! Look to Box!
