Use this Slate soundboard to gab with the world's greatest golfer.

You've read the tawdry text messages. You've heard the pleading voice mail. You've watched the ESPN interview and the Masters press conference. Now it's your turn to put words in Tiger Woods' mouth.

To celebrate Woods' return to competitive golf, Slate has put together the ultimate Tiger Woods crank-call generator. Click on the soundboard below to play one of 50 clips—everything from "These are issues between a husband and wife" to "Uhm, I wouldn't be able to sit for a while."

To get started, just pick up the phone and call anyone you think might like to get a personal greeting from the world's greatest golfer. When they answer, you might want to click, "Hey, it's Tiger." After they greet you back, maybe it would be appropriate to ask for a "huge favor," or perhaps to explain that you have a "love and passion for getting that ball in the hole." Before you know it, it'll be time for "Huge, quickly, alright bye." Enjoy!

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