Dear Prudence: I’m not homophobic, but my date thought I was.

Help! How Can I Convince My Date That I'm Not Homophobic?

Help! How Can I Convince My Date That I'm Not Homophobic?

Advice on manners and morals.
May 29 2013 6:15 AM

Falsely Accused of Homophobia

In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man who lost a second date because of a misunderstanding.

Emily Yoffe.
Emily Yoffe

Photo by Teresa Castracane.

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at

Q. Homophobia Miscommunication: I went on a date with a woman who lives in my building. It was going well, but toward the end a couple sat behind her and started making out. They were literally sucking each other's faces and I saw more of their tongues than I would like to have seen. After a few minutes I suggested to my date we go elsewhere, and rolled my eyes in the direction of the couple. She turned around and saw the two guys making out. We left shortly afterward and she said she had to go home and finish some work. I called her a couple of times afterward but she didn't respond, so I got the hint and let it go. To be honest, it really bummed me out as I like her a lot. Then I saw her and a friend talking downstairs (she couldn't see me) and she was telling her friend she liked me until she found out I was homophobic. Should I bother explaining to her I would have been just as put off by a straight couple slobbering on each other in the middle of a cafe? Or just forget about it?


A: The entire Jane Austen oeuvre wouldn't exist without such misunderstandings of character that fortunately get clarified in the end. Yours is a modern retelling of one of her tales, and I hope, Mr. Darcy, that you can convince Miss Bennet that her assumption about your prejudice is wrong.* You have the advantage of knowing exactly why she so abruptly rejected you, but your dilemma is that you don't want to appear to have been monitoring her communications when you try to explain this. I suggest you turn to an old form: the letter. After all, you know where she lives. Without giving away what you overheard, put a note in her mailbox in which you say that you enjoyed her company very much and have been distressed by the abrupt apparent conclusion of your budding acquaintance. Say you've thought a lot about what might have caused this and you think perhaps it was a misunderstanding over your discomfort with the couple seated behind you during your date. Explain that she couldn't see them going at it, but you could, and your desire to move away had absolutely nothing to do with the gender of the pair but with the dramatic tongue swordsmanship you were witnessing. Say that you'd enjoy getting together again, but if you get no response from her, you will leave her alone and simply nod pleasantly if you run into each other in the lobby. I hope in this case life imitates art and your romance comes to a satisfying conclusion.

Q. Wedding Pictures Dilemma: At our upcoming wedding, my fiancé and I would like to have a display with wedding pictures of our parents, grandparents, and others who are dearest to us. The snag is that my parents divorced when I was 5 years old, and my father has been with his current wife for over 20 years and they have two preteens. (All parties are on amicable terms.) I adore my mom and dad's wedding picture, but displaying it might be strange, given that they haven't been together since 1985. I also don't want to include a picture of my father with his current wife, because A) it's awkward to have a picture of the same man marrying two different women, and B) while we get along, I'm not terribly fond of his wife. I'm not intending this as a snub—she's just not in that circle of intimates for my fiancé and me. Should we give up on the display and eliminate the awkwardness? It would be a shame not to admire photographs of the beautiful marriages that have lasted.

A: I've never seen this done before, but what a wonderful tradition it could be as long as the photos get an exegesis with sticky notes. On your parents' you could post, "Came asunder in 1985." On others you could write, "Still crazy about each other despite the bickering you'll hear when Harry has a couple of drinks." Or you could forget this whole idea since the point of it seems to be to rewrite history and pretend your parents are still together when in fact they've been divorced forever and you have two half siblings (who you'd apparently like to write out of existence). No one is stopping you from admiring beautiful marriages that have lasted, just do so without making a bizarre and awkward display.

Q. Possible Pedophile/Incest Accusation Against Husband: Recently my niece confided in me that she had turned her father in for molesting her a few years ago. While this was not really shocking to me (I'd always thought he was a creep), she also told me that within the last year my husband had asked her for a flash of her breasts. She said he was drunk at the time and she refused and took off. I confronted him about it and he says he doesn't remember anything about this. I find it hard to believe that he would be drunk around any of his family, but my gut tells me he has actually done this. To top it off I have two little girls with this guy. Any advice would be welcome.

A: When your gut tells you your husband tried to molest his niece and you refer to the father of your children as "this guy," things have come to a dire pass. But this whole situation sounds both horrible and confusing. If your brother-in-law molested his daughter and she reported him to the police, how can this be a secret? Wasn't he prosecuted? And you say that it's out of character for your husband to be drunk, but plausible to you he would come onto his niece. You need to see a counselor immediately who specializes in abuse to try to get a handle on what really happened and how to proceed.

Q. Re: Wedding photos: I am doing this at my wedding, only we are asking all guests to provide a photo of their wedding for a slideshow. I think it will be fun to see how styles change throughout the years, since about six decades will be represented. I am just asking people to either email or mail me a wedding photo if they wish to do so and let them do whatever they are comfortable. Wedding planning can get overwhelming, but it is important to remember that this is a small detail.

A: What you're doing sounds like fun—no judgment about whose marriage is worthy and a model to emulate, just a lot of charming photos of the guests. What the letter writer is planning to do is going to create awkwardness and bad feelings.

Q. Privacy Please!: I am a stay-at-home mom, so usually it's my son and myself at home all day while my husband is at work. I don't mind the occasional visitor, but with my MIL and SIL right next door, I have them all the time. They are also both home all day, so it happens a lot. I have a roofed front porch. Combine this with the "Oh we're related" mentality, and they just won't leave. My MIL brings her crochet projects, cigarettes, and MP3-playing phone (without headphones) and invites our other neighbors over to visit with her here. Even if I do stay inside, she sits for hours on my porch. How can I let her know that she's welcome when invited or informs me she's coming, but not welcome to just plop down and host her own get-together?