Art Levine's pulp version.
(posted Thursday, Sept. 10, 1998)
To: House Judiciary Committee, the Honorable Henry Hyde, Chairman
Our office has been charged by the attorney general with the grave responsibility of determining if there has been any criminal wrongdoing by the president of the United States or those acting at his direction.
The most serious of the issues we have examined is the alleged cover-up of the sexual affair between a White House intern, Monica Lewinsky, then 21, and the president of the United States--a man old enough to be her father--in or near the Oval Office between November 1995 and December 1997. This case is not about sex but about possible criminal conduct by President Bill Clinton in violation of his oath of office and the laws of this nation, including perjury, subornation of perjury, and obstruction of justice.
A review of the relevant criminal violations is in order for a proper judgment to be rendered by your committee.
The details of the illicit sexual contacts between President Clinton and Ms. Lewinsky contradict the president's sworn testimony in Jones vs. Clinton and before the grand jury, despite the president's claims that his statements were "legally accurate." Herein are highlights of our findings (see Appendix XX for a complete list and descriptions of sexual acts, including oral copulation, mutual masturbation, and lewd and lascivious conduct with a cylindrical smoking device in violation of D.C. criminal code statute 531.6b).
According to the testimony of Ms. Lewinsky, the first of 49 sexual contacts between the president and herself began Nov. 15, 1995 (Lewinsky testimony, Part I, Pages 12-18). Lewinsky testified that as an intern in the West Wing she was summoned to deliver food to the president and was so observed entering the Oval Office at 11:59 p.m. by members of the uniformed Secret Service detail (Officer Lewis Fox testimony, Pages 5-12).
"Pizza, Mr. President?" Monica Lewinsky cooed, hoisting a large box of Domino's above her stylish dark tresses, according to the testimony of Lewinsky and Officer Fox. The raven-haired beauty, her voluptuous curves thrusting against the tight fabric of a low-cut white dress, stood outside the door of the Oval Office near midnight, a come-hither look in her flashing, dark eyes. "I'd love some," the president drawled, his eyes widening with desire, "but let me finish up here talking about highway appropriations with Sen. Lott." He winked broadly, then gave her a wide, rakish smile that lit her soul with excitement. She was alone at last with the president! (Lewinsky I, Pages 27-42).
Lewinsky has stated that ever since arriving in June 1995, the brilliant young intern, known both for her shapely body and a powerful intelligence that would make her an asset in any high-paying corporate PR job (contact: Plato Cacheris,  555-9432), looked for ways to attract the attention of Bill Clinton. He was tall, charismatic, with piercing blue eyes that made Monica weak inside--and, best of all, he was the most powerful man on Earth! Now he put down the phone and looked at her--and the pizza--with undisguised hunger. "You look as hot as that pie, darlin'," he said, glancing at the cleavage of her firm, young breasts, while her breath quickened with expectation. "I've seen you around before, haven't I? What's your name again?"
Randy Cohen used to write Slate's "News Quiz." His most recent book—oh, like you don't know.