Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Q. “Friend” giving me the creeps: When I first started college last year, I became close friends with a guy who also lives in my building. I would often go to his room to chat. He doesn’t quite have the ability to read when someone is not interested in a conversation topic, so he has many acquaintances but not close friends. This semester, I got a lot busier—started seeing my boyfriend and joined two clubs, so I have way less time to go over to his room and talk for extended periods of time, and have told him this. He started getting a little clingy, often asking where I was or calling me when I was on dates with my boyfriend, all of which I dealt with patiently. However, the straws that broke the camel’s back happened in one weekend—the first was when he called me incessantly while I was on a date and told all my friends that I simply don’t have time for him anymore. Then one afternoon, he texted me, saying that he was being rushed to the hospital and that he needed me, so I dropped everything and missed classes to go over, only to find out that he’d made a mountain out of a molehill. He was paranoid about contracting an illness he had already been vaccinated for; had only a single, extremely minor symptom (not even a fever or a headache); and the doctors said he was not sick at all.
In the waiting room at the hospital, he started saying creepy things like “at least we can spend time together now” and the like, which made my skin crawl, and I left quickly. I don’t want to straight-up rebuke him, but at the same time, I dread seeing him around and feel like I’m being watched/monitored every time he seeks me out. How should I go about dealing with him?
A: I’m afraid there is nothing for you to do but to straight-up rebuke him. He faked a serious illness, wasted the hospital’s time and resources, and got you to skip classes just to force you to come see him, and that’s incredibly disturbing, not to mention a friendship-ending breach of trust. I’m concerned for your safety—this “friend” has displayed behavior that suggests he may try to stalk or otherwise manipulate you again in the future. Tell him unequivocally that his lie was unacceptable and that you’re not going to be able to see him again; do this in writing, either via text or email, so that you have a written record of your dealings with him. Tell your boyfriend and other friends what’s going on so that they know not to provide him with information about you or your whereabouts in case he tries to use them to get to you. If necessary, inform your RA and campus security in case he does not respect your request to not contact you again. They should be informed if he tries to escalate or follow you around.
Pay attention to your feelings of dread and suspicion. Your sense that he is not a safe or a trustworthy person is an accurate one, and you should trust your instincts. I know you feel sympathy for his difficulty with forming lasting relationships, but there’s nothing you can do to help him now other than keep yourself safe. If he wants to seek help, you can point him in the direction of your campus’ mental health services, but it’s not your responsibility to resume a friendship with someone you know you can’t trust.
Q. Full disclosure?: I recently started dating a guy who stutters pretty severely. We’re getting to the stage where we’ll be meeting each other’s friends and family, and I’m wondering if I should “warn” them ahead of time, so they don’t react badly and will understand if he is quiet. If I do, should I let him know I told them? Is there a way to do that without making him feel like I think it’s a really big deal?
A: It would be helpful for both your boyfriend and your friends to offer them a brief heads-up. Just say, “I’m really excited for you to meet my boyfriend, and I wanted to let you know he has a stutter, so don’t be surprised if he’s sometimes quiet during conversation. There’s no need to prompt him or help him finish his sentences; just let him talk at his own pace.” You can also ask your boyfriend what he would prefer. He’s presumably dealt with plenty of responses to his stutter his whole life and will be able to let you know what works for him and what doesn’t. Don’t disclose this to your friends as if you are giving them bad news. Keep your tone conversational; you’re providing them with information that will make getting to know him easier, and if you make it clear that this isn’t a big deal to you, your friends are likely to follow your lead.
Q. Caught cheating at a game of cards: I was playing a card game with a bunch of friends recently, and I was eliminated early and so started observing the hand and play of one of the friends sitting next to me—which was known to him (via my clear body language). During continued play, another player requested to pick a card from this friend’s hand (allowed by the rules) in an attempt to get a really valuable card. The expectation is that it is a blind pick (by rule) with the informal expectation (of card games everywhere though not explicitly written into the rules) that one would make available for picking, by fanning them out for display by your opponent, every card in your hand. The friend I was observing however arrayed his cards in the customary fashion with an exception: The most valuable card in his hand was held below the level of the arrayed “fan” so it was not visible for selection by his opponent. I was, frankly, appalled and shocked by this behavior as, though its “only a game,” my expectation is everyone still plays it “fairly,” by which I mean they don’t subvert the intent of the rules to give themselves an unfair advantage. Question is, what, if anything, should I do about it? Have a frank conversation with him about it privately? Avoid ever picking from his hand in a similar situation (thereby letting him benefit from the unfair advantage I know he sometimes takes)? Avoid ever playing that, or games with similar rules with him again? I know it may seem silly that this bothers me, but it does.
A: In a situation like this one, I think it’s best to say something in the moment. “Hang on, there’s a card that’s not showing; you need to fan your cards out further so they’re all visible.” You can keep your tone light and let your friend save face by allowing for the possibility that it was an honest mistake, but you don’t have to wait to pull him aside. Now that the moment’s passed, it may not be worth bringing up (especially since it will be fairly easy for him to “not remember” what you’re talking about), but by all means, if you see him holding something back in future games, speak up. Or, if you decide you’d rather not play with him at all, that’s fine too. Cheating in card games is only fun if everyone agrees to do it or if nobody does it; everything in between is tiresome.
Dear Prudence: My wife made my daughter a doll that terrifies me so much I can’t sleep at night. Can I tell her how I feel?
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Q. Dating co-workers: Years ago, I ended up in a mess due to dating a co-worker. I swore it never was going to happen again. Fast-forward to now, I left a dying career to work in fast food. Our maintenance guy is about my age and apparently has voiced his interest in dating me (though not to me), but I simply responded to it with the truth about why I wouldn’t be interested in dating him. However, I’m now likely moving to night shift. Therefore, I would never work with him, and based on his reaction to finding this out, I think he may ask me out. Part of me wants to give it a go (I like the guy enough), but we still technically are co-workers, and of course now we’ll also be on opposing schedules. What’s the best way to respond to this?
A: You have a policy about never dating co-workers, and now you have a co-worker who has not actually asked you out. I think you should continue to not date this guy. You say only “part” of you wants to give this a go and that you like him “enough.” That doesn’t seem like sufficient reason to break your policy, given how badly things have gone for you in the past. There are a lot of other people to date who don’t work in your building.
Q. Re: “Friend” giving me the creeps: You NEED to straight-up tell him/rebuke him. He will take any “nice” way of telling him or subtle backing off as a sign that you do really want to be with him. Then you need to not respond to any contact.
Q. Typical troll living in Mom’s basement?: Two-plus years ago I lost my well-paying job. Shortly thereafter I had a grand mal seizure, which has left me partially disabled. After exhausting all my retirement funds (yes, I did save), I was foreclosed on. I had to walk away from the home I owned for over a decade as well as even pictures on the walls. My mother offered me a place to stay with her in an impoverished state in a rural area. My parents are both elderly, and even with somewhat limited mobility, I could help out. Problem is, now that I’m here—it is very unseemly for a man in his mid-40s to be living with his mom. I live in an addition with my own entrance, pay rent, and help to pet-sit, etc. for them for hospital stays. The job hunt to get me back to where I was is going nowhere. Should I just suck my pride up or feel like the kid that never left the nest even though I have been independent and successful? The jobs here pay nothing, so moving out anytime soon is unrealistic.
A: If nothing else, I hope you can see that you should be proud of yourself, not “sucking up your pride.” Living as a financially independent adult is a great goal, but it’s not the end-all and be-all of human development. It’s a goal, not the goal. And living with your mother because you’ve suffered grand mal seizures and had to drain your retirement account just to make ends meet is not a sign of failure, nor is it in any way a compromise of the independence and success you’ve found in adulthood. You’re going through an incredibly difficult time right now, and it doesn’t look like things are going to get better overnight. In the meantime you’re doing everything you can to contribute to the workings of your mother’s household, both financially and in terms of everyday housework. I encourage you to think of yourself as an incredibly resilient and resourceful person who is fortunate enough to have family members who are willing and able to help him out during a tough time. That’s the person who comes through in this letter. Take care of your health, recognize the wisdom of the choices you have already made, and don’t rush yourself to get out of the house before it’s financially viable.
Q. Breaking the news: I have been involved with a married man for several years now. His wife has been his “roommate” the whole time: different bedrooms, no interest in the marriage, but unwilling to end the marriage. She told him to find someone else for sex, and he did—me. The two of us were friends for a long time before this phase of our relationship. He’s finally getting a divorce and has asked me to move in with him when the lease is up on my apartment. By that time, he’ll be divorced. But here’s the thing—because he was married, no one knows we were seeing each other. So how do we announce this bombshell? We have a group of friends we see weekly, but no one knows. Our families don’t know. So do we just play this off as we became roommates and then more? Or do we confess that we truly love each other and want to spend our lives together from the get-go?
A: Oh my God, I am so relieved that someone is writing to me before they start weaving a web of complicated lies that have recently started coming apart. This was the right time to contact an advice columnist! Don’t pretend to fall in love from scratch for the benefit of your friends and family. It will become an exhausting and weird pantomime, and if either of you ever slips up, you’re going to have seriously damaged your relationships with some of the most important people in your life. Just tell your friends and family that you have someone in your life you’d like them to meet, that he’s been separated for a number of years and recently finalized his divorce. You don’t have to go into details about his arrangement with his first wife as long as you make it clear they had separated long before he met you. Announcing that you’re moving in with someone your friends didn’t realize you were seeing is shocking, but it’s low-level shocking. If they ever found out that you’d actually been with your boyfriend for three years when you’d been pretending to only have known him for three months, that would be mid-level shocking, and you’d find yourself having to produce far more justifications and explanations than you do now.
Q. Blind neighbor: I live in an apartment building in a large metropolitan area. My very friendly neighbor (let’s call her “Chelizabeth”) is blind. We met when she knocked on my door one day for help using an app, and occasionally when I see her in the building, we stop and chat about graduate school and life in general. Generally, I stop her, since she usually doesn’t know when we cross paths unless I stop and identify myself. My question is, what is the etiquette when I see her on the street (and in the building for that matter)? When I run into my other neighbors, I usually give a wave or a nod. With Chelizabeth, I sometimes feel that I’m imposing, since it takes a moment to stop and tell her who I am. It especially feels awkward when she’s with a friend or classmate. Also, to be perfectly honest, it’s sometimes just easier to keep moving on without saying anything. I don’t know if that’s rude, though. Or is it rude to stop and say hello? If it helps, this is not a building (or city) where people typically get to know their neighbors.
A: A good rule of thumb for a casual social interaction with a neighbor is: Would this make both of our respective days slightly pleasanter or slightly more inconvenient? If you think you’d be imposing, or if she’s clearly mid-sentence with someone and you’d have to interrupt to announce your presence, then by all means, don’t force yourself into her conversation. But if she’s not otherwise occupied, and you’re merely a little self-conscious about having to identify yourself, go ahead and take that extra moment to say, “Hi, Chelizabeth! It’s Margareth the Unbloodied, and it’s great to see you; I hope you’re having a good day.”
Mallory Ortberg: Picard and Dathon at El-Adrel. Mirab, with sails unfurled. See you all next week.
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