Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
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Q. Ditching my cellphone: I am a 32-year-old woman, married with two kids. As a move toward being more present and less distracted, I want to get rid of my cellphone. I find it consuming my life in concerning ways, and I am very at peace with the choice. However, my husband has all but forbidden it. His concern for my well-being, and that of the kids, were I to venture into society unarmed with my phone is so intense it’s almost comical. He thinks that I will end up stranded, kidnapped, at gun point, all while being abducted by aliens and that I am submitting our children to the same fate when they are with me. I think that we can get a land line at the house, anyone who needs me during the day can call my office, and we otherwise need to communicate and coordinate face-to-face in the mornings and evenings like in the old days. What say you? Is it dangerous and socially irresponsible to go without a cellphone in this day and age? Can an adult with professional and family responsibilities still meet those obligations without engaging in the social norm of cellphone ownership?
A: It’s hard to imagine functioning normally in society without a cellphone. Not impossible, but perhaps unnecessarily challenging, especially with two young kids. Your husband’s response is perhaps a little extreme, but then again, so is your initial suggestion. What if you compromised and got something like a Jitterbug—those relatively cheap phones advertised for seniors that have a basic talk-and-text plan for emergencies but no data or useless distractions? This way your husband won’t panic at the thought of not being able to reach you while you’re anywhere that’s not the house or your office, and you won’t feel like you’re being consumed by the computer in your pocket.
Q. Becoming abusive: I started birth control for the first time ever this year. Since then, I’ve developed huge mood swings and a change in personality. I have never been a violent person—never hit or screamed at anyone before. Suddenly, while angry, I have repeatedly screamed at my boyfriend, refused to let him leave the room during an argument, and slapped him out of anger. He broke up with me because he couldn’t take it anymore. I realized for the first time today that my actions have been abusive, and I am plagued with guilt. I know this is not who I am—I have talked to family members and friends who have known me for years and they all say that they do not know me as an abusive person. Is it possible for someone to become abusive in such a short period of time? If not the birth control, what has caused me to become this monster?
I am planning to get the birth control removed this week (it is an implant in my arm), and all I can think about now is how much I have hurt my ex over the past few months. I hate myself for it, and I find myself thinking of hurting myself during my darkest moments. The pain feels like it will never go away. I can’t eat or sleep. I still love him, but I don’t think he can ever forgive me for what I’ve done. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
A: If you are not currently seeing a therapist (particularly one specializing in anger management), I urge you to do so immediately. A small but significant portion of contraceptive implant users have reported mood swings, although “violent outbursts” are not a listed possible side effect. That said, it’s important both to address a possible cause of your recent behavior (getting the implant removed is a good start) as well as what you did. Regardless of the root cause, you appear to currently be in your right mind—you have been able to recognize your behavior as abusive and are attempting to take responsibility for your actions.
In addition to seeking help, I think you should reframe your fear about your ex-boyfriend’s ability to ever forgive you. Whether or not he does, I think it is good for you to stay broken up. Your goal should not be reunification; your goal should be getting treatment, taking steps to ensure you do not reoffend, and granting him space to move on with his life. He has the right to feel however he wants about your physical abuse, and you should not attempt to mediate them in any way. Whether or not he ever forgives you cannot be your focus now. Your focus must be on rebuilding your life in a way that ensures you will not physically abuse anyone else ever again and on eventually forgiving yourself. Don’t think, “I have to do something that makes sure he forgives me.” Think, “I have an opportunity to rebuild my life in such a way that I do not hurt someone else again.”
It is possible for almost anyone to do something abusive. It can happen quickly or slowly. It might be helped along by external circumstances, or it might appear unconnected to anything else. I urge you not to think of abuse as a “monster/not monster” dichotomy, in no small part because that will inhibit you from doing better in the future. If you think of yourself as an irredeemable monster, there is no incentive to change. You, however, have correctly identified your abusive behavior, appear to be exhibiting genuine remorse, do not have a longstanding history of violent behavior, and wish to do right in the future. You may have done something monstrous, but you are not a monster. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please tell a doctor or a mental health professional immediately—you deserve to get help for your suicidal ideation.
Q. Oh brother where art thou?: My older brother has withdrawn from our family for almost no apparent reason. He changed his number, stopped responding to emails, etc. After six months of no contact my parents had to go meet him at his place of work to inform him that I was getting married. He came to the wedding and the next year he seemed a little better (relatively), but he has gone back to ignoring and not communicating with us. My parents, being South Asian, are devastated. How should we proceed?
A: You can try to talk to him—it’s possible that he has reasons for the radio silence he’d be willing to explain if you made it clear you were willing to listen—but you should do so with the mindset that you cannot force him to do anything. Go to see him if he doesn’t answer your calls, but don’t go to see him more than once if he’s not interested in hashing things out. It would be loving and important to say, “I miss you, and I miss our relationship, and if there’s anything I can do to help us reconnect, I’m willing to do that”; it would not be helpful to say, “You don’t have the right to stop talking to us” or “You’re killing our parents” or “You’re a selfish, terrible person, and you have to answer my phone calls.” If all he wants from you is space right now, even if you don’t understand or approve of his reasons, you ought to grant it to him.
Q. Too much or just polite?: I’m a dude engaged to another dude. I make a point of saying my fiancé’s name or using male pronouns when I refer to him to save the other person the embarrassment of assuming that I’m engaged to a woman, saying something to that effect, and then having to correct him or her. But it’s now occurring to me that maybe I’m coming off as ostentatiously making the point that I’m gay. What do you think?
A: I think that it is fine to sometimes ostentatiously make the point that you are gay! Being gay is a great thing to be ostentatious about, although using the correct pronouns to refer to your affianced hardly reaches “ostentatious” levels, in my book. If you were accosting strangers to watch you arrange squadrons of peacocks to spell out “I AM MARRYING SKEREMY,” that might be approaching the limit, but just saying “My fiancé, Skeremy” is totally normal.
Q. Dumping a former “friend”: Without going into snarky detail, a 47-year-old recently divorced female “friend” has been behaving very badly. I can’t tolerate the selfish, self-absorbed person she has become (or perhaps always was, I don’t know) or condone her new promiscuous lifestyle. I keep my opinions to myself, and I have no desire to confront her, try to repair the friendship, or influence others against her. We live in a small community with many overlapping social events. She still presents herself as one of my very best friends. How do I maintain a civil distance and avoid the questions and gossip?
A: Maintain a civil distance and don’t answer pointed questions or engage in gossip. I’m inclined to be sympathetic toward her “new promiscuous lifestyle” (promiscuous lifestyles can be great!), but the selfishness and self-absorption sound like fairly good reasons to want to scale back on a friendship. If you want to avoid confrontation and gossip, there’s not much you can do beyond remaining polite and friendly in public while declining opportunities to spend time together one-on-one. If people try to quiz you about your relationship with her, deflect continually: “That’s a very personal question and I’m sure you’ll forgive me if I don’t answer it” or “Everything’s fine, thanks” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Excuse me.” You’re definitely aiming for the fade-out hat trick here—you want to scale back the friendship without attracting her notice or anyone else’s and you don’t want to be asked about it, so you might occasionally find yourself in a sticky situation, but it’s certainly possible to pull this off. Commit yourself to not talking trash about her or answering pointed questions, and you’ll make it through.
Q. Re: Oh brother where art thou: I was in the same situation as the letter writer: absentee brother who we all just assumed was a selfish jerk. So because he never visited us, we visited him. My dad was surprisingly mean to him! He treats my brother much worse than he treats his other kids, and I kind of get why my brother keeps him at arm’s length now. Maybe a family trip to visit absentee brother is in order to get his point of view.
A: I do wonder about that! There’s not much to go on in the original letter, but it’s worth bearing in mind that the letter writer’s absentee brother might have some very good reasons for pulling back from the family that he or she is not aware of or haven’t noticed. The letter writer should be prepared to hear some unpleasant truths, if he or she decides to have this conversation.
Q. California driver, houseguest: I drove five and a half hours to visit with a good friend and her husband for a few days over the holidays. She had grand ideas for whipping up a big breakfast on my final morning; however, I told her in advance (and reminded her the day before) that I planned to get an early start and leave between 8:30–9 a.m. Well, the breakfast casserole didn’t even get into the oven till about 8:20, and her husband hadn’t emerged from the bedroom either and we still hadn’t exchanged gifts, which I’d wanted to do the night before.
While my friend didn’t say anything, it was clear she was annoyed at my anxiousness to hit the road at the appointed time. I stuck to my guns and left at about 8:55, after a hasty gift exchange among the three of us, at which point breakfast was still in the oven too. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, considering I gave fair notice of what time I intended to depart. Was I a bad guest not to delay in order to partake of the casserole and let her husband get up at his leisure? I have thanked them profusely for their hospitality and had a lovely visit otherwise, but I detect some frostiness in my friend’s tone now. Maybe I’m paranoid. Should I just let this go?
A: Situations like this one are sometimes the most challenging to adjudicate, because there’s something so silly about having to say something like, “I think you might be mad at me about a breakfast casserole” to a grown woman, but it’s also a real problem involving different expectations, unspoken assumptions, unexplained frostiness, and a sense of “Wait, what did I do?” First things first: you didn’t sneak out in the early hours of the morning without warning. You told your friend you were going to leave her house by nine, you reminded her the night before, and you acted accordingly. In that sense your conscience should be clear.
If only acting consistently meant no one ever got mad at you! I don’t know if your friend was hyped up trying to create the perfect holiday environment, if she’s got a wicked case of time/space optimism and was disappointed she couldn’t get everything done on time, or if she’s just straight-up being unreasonable, but if you’re close enough to celebrate the holidays together, I think you’re close enough for a slightly awkward conversation: “I feel a little uncertain mentioning this, but it seems like you’ve been upset with me ever since I left your house, and I wanted to check in with you. Is everything OK?” If she deflects, that’s fine; you don’t need to insist on having a breakfast fight. If she apologizes or further explains her reaction, you can acknowledge her feelings and remind her that you made your departure time clear, and the two of you can move on.
Mallory Ortberg: Here’s hoping 2017 is full of problems like, “My siblings are being so supportive I’m not sure which one of them to call and thank first,” and “Everyone in my family agrees on where the dog sleeps.” See you next week.
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