Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voice mail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Q. Men at work want me to be their “bro”: I recently moved departments at work. My previous department had a traditionally masculine, “business bro” attitude that I was not comfortable with, and I was excited to move to my new department—it’s not ENTIRELY because my new department consists of primarily women (which will become relevant), but the environment in this department is much more focused and efficient, more supportive, progressive, friendly, and just generally a great place to work. The problem is that I’m a man, and although I absolutely love this new environment and fit in well with all of my colleagues who are women, there are one or two other men in this department who are constantly trying to befriend me because “It’s nice to have another guy around with all this estrogen,” and other similar (and, I think, insulting) reasons—particularly, one who makes a lot of effort trying to hang out with me or monopolize conversation with me at group meetings or events. I don’t want to be mean or overly dismissive to this co-worker, but he represents everything that I intentionally left behind in my old department. He’s rude, aggressive, insensitive to any but the most blatant problems that anyone else is having, and so on. I don’t want to judge him too harshly (maybe he’s a nice guy at heart!), but I really don’t want to get sucked into being his work buddy when, to be honest, I would much rather caucus with the women and the more thoughtful men of the office and help put an end to this type of behavior. I’m worried I’ll have to deal with him aggressively seeking me out at group events to the point that others in my office might start to associate me with his behaviors and not with my own efforts to blend into this department’s status quo. What can I do to separate myself from the few old school “business bro” men in my office?
A: It’s a delicate proposition, declining to take a co-worker up on his offer of friendship, because the type of person who insists upon becoming chummy despite your lack of enthusiasm is also, often, the type who takes offense when you try to stay professional. Your best bet with this man, I think, is to become a blank wall, upon whose surface he can find no purchase. When he says things like, “It’s nice to have another guy around with all this estrogen,” smile blandly and say, “I’m sorry to hear that. I have no problem with estrogen.” When he seeks you out, answer his questions, but don’t ask any in return beyond the polite bare minimum, and don’t encourage his conversational gambits. Always be the first to excuse yourself from your talks with him: “Excuse me, but I think I see Sandra over there, and I’ve been meaning to ask her something. Nice talking to you.” Decline any requests he makes to socialize outside of work, and remain as neutral as possible whenever he speaks to you. Whether or not he gets the hint is outside of your control, but allow yourself to cut conversations with him short as often as necessary. It’s not rude to refuse to become besties with an overeager co-worker.
Q. Malicious sister-in-law: I have been with my husband for four years, married two. Prior to meeting my husband, his sister and I were very close—work friends that turned into weekly drinks and dinners. In all the time we’ve know each other, I have ranged from vegan to pescatarian, never eating poultry or anything other than fish in the time we’ve know each other. Since getting engaged, she has found a fun game of adding bacon fat, chicken stock, etc to different dishes she makes and tries to get me to eat them. It’s gotten to a point that I won’t eat at her house anymore, and it’s a sore subject between my husband and me, causing many fights when he wants to visit. The subject of the looming holidays came up, and before a discussion could happen, I said no! I do not want to spend another holiday eating lettuce because she refuses to not add bacon to the Brussel sprouts or summer corn in chicken stock. It’s cruel and unfair considering she used to have me over and make lavish vegan entrees and now I have to ask her husband if it’s safe to eat because she won’t tell me how she cooks things. When asked why she does it, she laughs and says it’s funny to her. What do I do?
A: Before I took over this column, I had no idea how many sadistic home cooks were out there, sneaking ingredients other diners were allergic or averse to into their meals, then gleefully announcing, “Surprise! You just ate something you didn’t want to, because I’m whimsically unkind!” on their unsuspecting guests. I can’t quite fathom what pleasure your friend derives from this odd game. It would be one thing if she were to tell you that she is making a nonvegetarian meal upfront, thereby allowing you to bring your own food from home, but this strange, meaty subterfuge is dishonest and bewildering.
You might not be able to convince your husband that this is worth skipping the holidays with his family over, but you should tell him in advance that his sister’s repeated attempts to trick you with meat bother you and that you’re going to make your own meals or stock up on granola bars, because she’s made it clear that she thinks it’s funny to trick you. If she asks, you can tell her, “I know you think it’s funny to serve me meat dishes and tell me they’re vegetarian, but it bothers me, and I’ve asked you not to. Since you won’t, I’m going to plan my meals myself.” What a strange hill she’s chosen to die on.
Q. Ex broke up with me, is flunking out of grad school: My fiancé of two years and I broke up. I’ll admit that my codependent tendencies made maintaining a relationship a lot harder than it should have been; I’m clingy, paranoid (I have bipolar disorder), and hard to handle at my worst. A part of me doesn’t blame him for becoming emotionally abusive, because he probably had no idea how to handle anything I was throwing at him. Now, my ex is flunking out of grad school. I’m admittedly part of the reason for this—again, clingy, neurotic—but I’m not the entire reason. His ADHD and bipolar disorder went undertreated for the majority of our relationship, and that’s unlikely to change over the next few months. If he flunks out, it’s likely he’ll return back to his hometown, which is more than four hours away from where I am now. If he doesn’t flunk out, however, he’ll be right here, and I’ll be stuck with a dilemma. Should I remain friends with him? Is that even a good idea? Do you think that I’m being a doormat by allowing him 90 days to leave my apartment instead of the required 30? I need some perspective here.
A: I think the two of you have no business being friends. You blame yourself for his emotional abuse, and he’s emotionally abusive. That’s no basis for a healthy, mutually beneficial friendship. Both of you should be seeking help and support from other people, not from each other. Giving him 90 days to find another place to live is being generous, not being a doormat, although if you find it difficult to stay in the same apartment, you might want to consider staying with a friend or relative for a few nights a week to give yourself some space. Once he’s gone—either back to his hometown or to another apartment—let him go. He has plenty of issues of his own to resolve (for the record, no matter how “difficult” a girlfriend you were, becoming emotionally abusive was not a reasonable, proportionate response), and you have to take care of yourself too. I don’t think you can do that and keep him in your life, too.
Q. Old high school friend: One of my closest friends from high school recently moved to my area (quite far from where we grew up) with her boyfriend. My husband and I went to their house for dinner to catch up and hopefully add some new people to our social circle. Everything was going very well until after dinner, when suddenly the boyfriend started spewing his racist views (using the N-word multiple times) and regaling us all with impossible tales from his childhood. The worst part is how they kept exclaiming how excited they were to finally know someone in the area and that they can’t wait to come over to our house. My husband and I agreed that we didn’t have a good time once the boyfriend started in, and we don’t want to continue or foster a close friendship with either of these people. However, I worry about the possibility of my friend breaking up with her boyfriend and not having anywhere to go. I also would be burning bridges on a nearly decadelong friendship. It doesn’t feel right. Is there a balance to be struck here?
A: This is a situation that calls for directness and honesty. If hearing someone launch into a racist tirade over the dinner table isn’t grounds for burning a bridge, then I’m not sure what is. The next time they ask to get together, tell them, “The last time we got together, your boyfriend casually announced views we found racist and deeply disturbing, and used the N-word multiple times. We’re not interested in pursuing this friendship.” Their response will feel deeply uncomfortable and likely hostile; let yourself be uncomfortable. This is worth taking a clear stand over, and you shouldn’t try to hide from, avoid, or attempt to minimize this conversation. You are not responsible for your friend’s decision to stay in this relationship; you are only responsible for your own actions. Your response to overt racism should not be silence or attempting to seek “balance.” It should be rejection.
Q. Re: Malicious sister-in-law: Someone really needs to speak to this woman (your hubby needs to get a backbone). I am thinking she isn’t happy you married her brother for whatever reason, and this her passive-aggressive way to handle it. If she refuses to stop, it’s going to get worse if you have kids and she won’t abide your rules for sweets, bedtime, etc.
A: Part of what’s so confusing and upsetting about this story is the fact that said sister-in-law used to have no trouble making vegetarian and vegan dishes. I think your suspicion that this has at least something to do with the fact that the letter writer married this woman’s brother is spot-on, although what a sad, petty way to go about announcing you don’t approve of someone’s marriage.
Q. Hidden art: Ever since I was young, I’ve always loved art. I paint, draw, and craft. Since I started working in my current well-paid profession, I’ve decided that collecting art would be a great way to support artists and bring more high-quality art into my life. I just got moved to a bigger office and decided I’d commission a young artist I love to create a large piece of art for me to hang in the office. The problem is that I have not told my boyfriend of three years about it. He is not really into art and thinks museums are incredibly awful places to spend time. However, the reason I haven’t told him is because if he knew that the painting depicted all these great nature scenes, and even had a small cameo by our dog, I know he would really want to hang the art in our living room. I’m not opposed to that in the future, but I have a big empty wall in the office, and I want my art to hang there. I already know, from past experience, that he will throw a fit if I don’t bring this home, so I’ve just kept it a secret. However, I feel really guilty about it too! I want him to also enjoy the art, but I just want it to ultimately spend its first couple of years in my office, where it will be appreciated. Just as an example, I once bought him a beautiful wood craft while traveling, and he has barely acknowledged its existence except for when I first gave it to him. Am I being a huge jerk by keeping my art a secret?
A: Wait a second. Your boyfriend doesn’t like art, hates museums, but would begrudge you a painting you commissioned yourself to hang in your office? If he wants a piece of art to hang in the living room, he can commission one himself or ask you to buy something together. This is something you’re paying for with your own money to hang in your own office, and it’s awfully strange that you know in advance he’d somehow feel entitled to it. You’re not being a jerk by keeping your art a secret, but I’m certainly concerned about the state of your relationship, if you already feel sure he’d get mad at you for buying a painting to hang in your own office.
Q. The family secret: My mother is evangelical, and my dad’s a lot less religious. This is something they fight about a lot. I’d like to tell my parents that I’m a lesbian, but I’m worried it might be the thing that kills their marriage. My dad and I are very close, and I know he’ll take it well, but my mom is very vocal about what she thinks of homosexuality and how much she expects me to marry a man and have children. I’ve kept this quiet up until moving out, but people in my extended family have begun to talk, and it’d really be easier to date if I didn’t have to go through the whole secrecy tango every time. But my siblings are urging me to keep it quiet, because we all know the fallout is going to be horrendous. Is there a way to tactfully navigate this situation?
A: Tact is not your responsibility in this conversation. If your parents are unable to build a marriage together that can withstand having a gay child, then the fault lies with them, not with you. You should come out when you feel ready, not when your siblings think it’s going to be easy. You are not responsible for either the state of your parents’ marriage or for your mother’s homophobia. If your mother cannot manage this information, then that’s very sad for her, but it’s not a problem you can—or should attempt to—fix. There are plenty of therapists who can help her deal with her feelings, if she wants to seek help.
Q. Weight gain: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than eight years, and over the course of our relationship, I gained a significant amount of weight (about 40 pounds). My boyfriend has been vocal about his dislike of my weight gain and makes hurtful comments, especially when I sometimes eat unhealthy food or snacks. He has also made it clear that he does not like overweight people. Although I recognize that I did in fact change significantly since we started dating, and although I also sometimes long for the day that I can fit into my size 6 clothes again, I personally do not have a problem with my current size. I exercise up to five times per week, and I am actively working toward shedding the weight gain. I however intend to do this gradually and at my own pace without any pressure from him. I have so far made a little progress, losing about 12 pounds over three months. This, however, is not good enough for him, as he remains extremely hurtful with his comments. He thinks I should undertake a rigorous program and get on what I think is a ridiculous diet. I need your advice on how to make it clear to him that I fine with my current weight and that any weight loss I undertake shall be at my pace. Also, do you think ending the relationship altogether is an option here? I’ve considered it.
A: Your boyfriend is a jerk. Dump him. Anyone who thinks that weight loss is accelerated by insults is a jerk. Anyone who announces he doesn’t like “overweight people” as a category is a jerk (really? Not one? No redeeming qualities he can think of? You’re just either Not Fat and Good, or Fat and Bad?). Unbridled, gleeful fault-finding is not an effective weight-loss technique. Anyone who would pressure you into losing weight too quickly (12 pounds in three months averages out to a pound a week; most doctors don’t recommend losing more than 2 pounds a week)—potentially damaging your health—is a jerk. He’s not supportive, he’s not gracious, he’s not helpful, he’s not kind, he’s not the right guy for you. Get out, and don’t look back.
Mallory Ortberg: That’s enough for one day, I think. May all your family members’ requests for money be infrequent and within your means. See you next week!
If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!
