Danny M. Lavery, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
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Danny M. Lavery: Good morning, everyone! Are you ready for some good times? I promise you clear skies and safe passage.
Q. Mompocalypse now: My mother is a very emotionally sensitive person and struggles particularly with her birthday. She never wants a party and sends mixed messages on gifts; if I ask what she wants she says “nothing,” but the one year I didn’t get her anything she was visibly upset and shut herself in her room until I left. More than anything I think she wants to feel appreciated by our scattered family—both my sister and my father spend most of their time at least a six-hour plane ride away from our family home. I live in an adjacent city. This year we took a family trip to a destination of her choice a few weeks before her birthday as a celebration of a milestone year. She had a good time on a trip, and a few days after our return I gave my mother a few small, personal gifts and my best wishes. On her actual birthday, I was admittedly rushed and not thinking, so I didn’t contact her until I got out of work. She ignored all of my calls and text messages. The next day she notified me that she has nothing to say to me and has resisted any attempt to contact her since. Through my sister I know that she’s upset that I waited until later in the day to call and also that my father got her a thoughtless present she’ll never use—all of which, combined with her usual birthday malaise, have triggered a mompocalyptic rage that I don’t know how to defuse. I feel like it’s all my fault for not trying harder. When my mother gets like this, I get stuck on the image of her being upset and alone while my father and sister are away, and know that she relies on me to feel appreciated. The guilt is unbearable. Please help.
A: I think I have an idea why your sister and your father spend most of their time so far away. Your mother does not—should not—“rely” on you to feel appreciated. It is a good thing to show appreciation, but it is not your responsibility to manage your mother’s feelings of value and self-worth. Anyone who insists she wants nothing for her birthday, then locks herself in her room when she receives precisely what she asked for is a person who is determined to be disappointed by the people around her, no matter how hard they try. If your mother is upset, it is because she has refused all opportunities to be consoled. What she wanted for her birthday, more than anything else, was to feel aggrieved and misunderstood, to refuse to be comforted, to remind the people around her that they have once again failed to live up to her standards. She wanted that state of martyrdom more than any phone call or present, and that’s why she’s refused to hear your apology. I promise that you could spend the rest of your life trying to make your mother’s birthday perfect every year, and she would still find a way to make you feel guilty. I think you would benefit immensely from taking the space your mother has recently granted you and seeking therapy to figure out how to assert healthy boundaries with a parent who throws tantrums like a child.
Q. Boyfriend’s rude daughter: My boyfriend’s adult daughter routinely treats me poorly at family functions and gatherings. I have always been polite, friendly, and supportive of her and her children. However, most of the time she just refuses to acknowledge my presence or ignores me when I attempt to engage in conversation. However, since my boyfriend and I have moved in together and are planning to get married, she has taken to making rude statements in front of me to anyone around. Stating she would like her father to move in with her (now) so she can take care of him when he gets older. She will make sure he gets a “hot nurse” or “conjugal visits.” And he should move in with her now so she can feed him—because clearly I don’t take care of him properly. I know it’s petty, but her behavior is really starting to bother me, especially when she is so dismissive of our relationship. I normally sit in silence and I can deal with the cold-shoulder treatment, but I’m tired of hearing her rude comments in front of others. How can I address her without making it worse?
A: Either your boyfriend’s daughter waits until he has left the room to make these comments, in which case you should let him know immediately so he can speak to her privately, or she’s been saying things like, “Dad, move in with me and I’ll procure a hot nurse for you” (which is just creepy from start to finish) in front of both you and your boyfriend, and he’s said nothing. I’m not sure which possibility I find more unsettling—a secret campaign of whispered sabotage, or a man who thinks nothing of being promised “conjugal visits” procured by his own daughter. (Now that I see them written out, I find the former far more unsettling.) Whichever situation is the case, you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend. It’s supremely not OK that his daughter announces her plans to start nursing her still-healthy father in order to interfere with his romantic relationships, and he needs to put a stop to it immediately. If he’s unwilling to, you should seriously reconsider this marriage. This isn’t standard-issue cold-shouldering, this is deeply creepy and inappropriate behavior, and if your husband-to-be tries to dismiss these comments with “that’s just how she is” or “she doesn’t mean anything by it” (she clearly does), you should be very concerned about how invested he is in your comfort and well-being.
Q. The rudest sister: Last weekend was my mother’s birthday, and my family agreed to meet on Sunday, which was the day that my sister was free. Usually we try to work with her schedule, because she has a busy schedule. It got pushed back by an hour, so my sister comes rushing into the house saying that she has to leave in 15 minutes. She had the time to come earlier and help cook, but she didn’t. While everyone in the house is cooking and getting ready, she reminds us again she has to leave soon and sits at the dinner table where my dad has left some steaks on the table while he finishes barbecuing them all. Because she was leaving soon, she started eating the steak at the table before anyone had sat at the table or finished cooking. She then eats most of it, gets up and says that someone can finish her half-eaten steak, and leaves before we even finish cooking. I was so appalled by her rudeness and have lost the respect that I had for her hard work ethic. My parents didn’t even notice, because they are so used to her ungratefulness. If I bring things up with her she just gets defensive. I find that I’m avoiding seeing her because I’m still disgusted by her behavior. How can I get past this?
A: I must be missing something from your letter, because I can’t quite figure out what grievous sin your sister has committed that would merit this level of resentment. Your sister had to leave the party early because she had to get to work. You knew this. She did not show up early to help you cook—I suppose that is mildly thoughtless, but you don’t say that you asked her to, merely that you are disappointed she did not read your mind and volunteer. She ate some of the food that was currently ready, rather than refuse her dinner if she could not take it with the rest of the family. She left before you finished cooking because she had to go to work, not because she took some perverse pleasure in eating before you got the chance and leaving you with a kitchen full of dirty dishes. I think you should perhaps consider that your parents didn’t notice anything unusual about your sister’s behavior because there was nothing especially unusual about your sister’s behavior.
Q. Redecorating: My grandfather-in-law passed away this spring—he was 90 and died peacefully in his sleep. My husband and I inherited the house after buying out his siblings’ shares. We moved in May, but most of our stuff is still boxed up in the garage. The house was filled with antiques and dust-collecting junk (an entire closet of broken board games, etc.). After the wake, I organized everyone and gave them color-coded dots to put on the items in the house they wanted that wasn’t in the will. All the important pieces like the family jewelry had already been dispersed—items of sentimental value rather than monetary. Most of the small stuff has been picked up, but we have been stuck for months with furniture, clothing, old tools, and a broken down VW Bug that people want but can’t find the time to pick up. We have remodeled a bedroom and part of the kitchen but are stuck on the rest of the house. My husband and I are trying to be sensitive, but my mother-in-law started crying when she saw that we had torn down the ugly old wallpaper. I don’t want to upset her anymore, but my husband and I are tired of living like this. He wants to give his siblings and cousins an ultimatum to come get their stuff or we are giving it to Goodwill.
A: Give your siblings and cousins a deadline to come get their stuff before you give it away to Goodwill. Grant them a reasonable amount of time, but pick a date a month or so in the future, and make sure everyone knows that if they don’t haul away the busted VW or antique ball-peen hammer within 30 days, then it’s lost and gone forever, like tears in rain.
Q. Annoying table manners: My mother-in-law has been staying with my wife and I for about two weeks, after my wife had surgery. This allowed me to keep working, so I’m grateful. While she is usually a nice person, and helpful, she has one habit that drives me mad: After every meal and snack, she loudly licks her fingers before using a napkin. I said that there are plenty of napkins, and she insists that she has always both licked her fingers and used napkins her entire life. While my wife agrees this is annoying, she doesn’t try to talk to her mother, nor does my wife understand how annoying the noise and sight of MIL doing this is for me. (I’m very introverted and sensitive to sound.) To be fair, there are class differences; my MIL grew up and remained in or just above poverty for most of her life. I don’t expect everyone to always use the correct fork, but isn’t eating somewhat quietly a universal idea? What should I do for future visits?
A: I think you should learn to shrug off this minor annoying habit. You’ve already spoken to your mother-in-law and wife about it without success, and post-meal finger-licking falls well below speaking-while-chewing or nose-picking on the list of etiquette violations. Resist the urge to psychoanalyze your mother-in-law’s habit as a sign of an unbridgeable social divide, and find a way to distract yourself for the few seconds it takes for her to lick her fingers after meals. You might offer to clear everyone’s plates, and get busy in front of the sink, where the sounds of the faucet will surely drown out whatever noise she’s capable of making.
Q. I’ve got something I need to tell you: After the birth of my third child, I had a vasectomy. That was eight years ago, and since then I’ve gotten a divorce. Now I’ve fallen in love with a younger woman who wants children eventually. We have only been together for a little bit, but we both realize our relationship is becoming serious. We’re starting to talk about what our future could look like. I need to tell her about my vasectomy soon, and what’s more, I need to tell her that I plan on reversing it. I don’t know if we’ll end up getting married and starting a family, and I don’t want to put pressure on her. But I don’t want this to be one of the reasons we don’t end up together. How do you start this conversation?
A: If your girlfriend wanted to leave you because you got a vasectomy eight years ago, before the two of you even met, she wouldn’t be much of a girlfriend. This is a fairly simple conversation, I think. Tell her you got a vasectomy after your third child was born, that you had not planned on having more children, but you’re reconsidering the procedure now that the two of you are getting serious. You’re not admitting some painful secret or character-compromising failure; you’re just talking about what the two of you want.
Q. Stick it out or cut my losses?: My BF and I have been together on and off for about three years. I’ve been divorced, so I know that I’m more jaded about relationships than he is. About three months ago he quit his first full-time job right after we moved in together. My first husband never worked, so I’ll admit that this threw me into a panic. We discussed it before he quit, and I agreed to support him if he would immediately start looking for a job. He didn’t. He loafed around for the next two months and used up the money he had been saving to buy me a ring. Now it’s been three months and he’s still unemployed. To be clear: He is the one who wants to get married. I’m fine with simply being together without a legal commitment or expensive jewelry/a wedding. I have a steady job, but I can’t afford to cover all of our joint bills and my personal bills by myself. We don’t live extravagantly—I’m talking rent, utilities and food for expenses, plus I cover my own insurance, school, phone, and car bills. His parents pay for his. I’m also simply falling apart under the pressure. I have a history of anxiety issues and depression, and this experience has taken those problems to new heights. BF doesn’t struggle with those issues, so it’s difficult to get him to be supportive or understand what I’m going through. This past weekend out of the blue a man he is acquainted with called him about a job opportunity that seems too good to be true. Here’s the clincher: It’s three hours away from where we live now. We would have to somehow (probably via his parents) come up with the money to get out of our current lease and move to this new place. I would have to quit my job and find something else, though he assures me with his new salary he could take care of all of our bills and give me a rest. I love him and have chosen to stay with him this long, but I am terribly uneasy about taking this step. My trust bank is extremely low right now with his behavior over the past few months. How do I know he won’t simply decide to quit again, and I’ll be stuck trying to pick up the pieces? Should I let him go and just cut my losses?
A: Let him go. Anyone who announces his intention to look for work, then promptly gives up and uses up the remaining savings he’d planned for something as expensive (and useless) as an engagement ring is, at best, impractical and untrustworthy, and at worst, trying to guilt you into a deeper commitment than you’re ready for so that you won’t feel like you’re able to leave him. Add to that the fact that you have already broken up repeatedly over the past three years and that he does not support or understand your experience with depression, and I think a breakup is exactly what this situation calls for.
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