Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
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Mallory Ortberg: Morning, everyone! Let’s chat, shall we?
Q. Speaking up against prejudice: Today, I was stopped by a neighbor who wanted to talk about the owners of our apartment complex. She said in a disparaging tone, “They’re Muslims, aren’t they?” I told her I had no way of knowing their religion, nor did I need to. All I care about is their apartment policies, which are troubling. She then let me have it about why am I “so hung up about religion,” and I explained that religion has nothing to do with the policies we were discussing. I told her this attitude was why I avoid her these days, and she lit into me. I tried to get into my car quickly, as she yelled out her window, “What do you have against God?” (I am an atheist, which she knows). I got in my car, and she continued to shout at me, and then pulled her car behind mine and blocked me for a few seconds. The person I confided in pretty much told me that I brought this on myself, because you should never “confront” a prejudiced person.
Here is my question: If no one stands up to prejudice, doesn’t that just reinforce it? Do you have any advice for me? I am very shaken up right now about this. But how can one stay silent, especially now when anti-Muslim prejudice is rampant?
A: I disagree with your friend; you didn’t confront your neighbor. She confronted you. You neither initiated this conversation nor escalated it. All you did was (rightly) point out that your landlord’s religion has nothing to do with how they handle garbage collection or building repairs. Your neighbor was rude, irrational, and disruptive. She accused you of being hung up about religion because, of course, she is deeply hung up about religion. Your calm refusal to engage with your neighbor’s prejudices infuriated her—there was nothing you could have said, short of lying and agreeing with her, which would have calmed her down. In the future, my advice to you is to avoid her, as she’s made it clear that her response to disagreement is to throw a tantrum. If she tries to harass you or block your car in again, I suggest you report her behavior to the management. You might not agree with all of their policies, but surely they don’t want a disruptive religious zealot hassling the residents of their complex any more than you do.
Q. Monogamous date in a nonmonogamous relationship?: I recently met a guy who is refreshing, light-hearted, and a joy to be around. I’ve thought of him as someone who can bring some balance and fun to my demanding and stressful life, but not as a long-term partner. He shared recently that he’s never been in a monogamous relationship and doesn’t intend to be. I’m cool with that. Then, he mentioned that, as an open and sociable guy, it’s possible that, if we were out together on a date, he would be open to meeting another woman he finds interesting (not for a threesome situation). Being only with me while out in public and not having the option to pursue someone else would be repressive to him. This is where I pause. Is it really so hard to enjoy one person’s company while out on a date? I’m not asking that he date only me—just that there’s some spatial and temporal separation between me and another date. Knowing that I’m not enthused about the prospects of him asking out another person in front of me, I suggested we not hang out in social situations together. Is this a decent compromise?
A: Oh, this is a new one. Points to him for originality. “Babe, I hate being repressed so much that the idea of spending an entire dinner with you without having the freedom to scour the restaurant for my next date feels like fascism. You’re not a fascist, are you?”
Personally, I think the best compromise would be to lose his number, but it sounds like you have few illusions about what he’s capable of offering you. If he’s that good in bed (that’s what “refreshing, light-hearted, and a joy to be around” means, right?), by all means, have him over for some high-impact sex a few times a month, but he’s made it pretty clear he intends to be as rude as possible if you take him out in public, so keep your interactions with him private and low key.
Q. My therapist’s degree comes from Homophobia University: I am in the middle of a serious depression with anxiety. Through a psychiatric assessment I was recommended to do a specific kind of therapy, and was referred on to a clinic that specializes in it. When I got my first appointment, I was told to look on the website for information about my therapist. I did, and found that she got her counseling degree from a local Christian college that requires students, faculty, and staff to sign a homophobic “covenant.” When I read this, my anxiety went through the roof. I can’t believe that this university can adequately train therapists to recognize the serious harm homophobia does to gay people, because the faculty she learned from agreed to the covenant, which is itself so harmful. I also am wary of being treated by someone who willingly signed such a statement—it feels like a violation of my dignity, even though she doesn’t know me. Should I ask for a different therapist even though it may slow down treatment? Should I go to the first session and see if I like her? Should I bring it up with her?
A: Yes, you should ask for a different therapist, and mention specifically that you’re looking for an LGBT-friendly one. While this particular counselor may no longer personally hold with her former university’s homophobic views, you shouldn’t have to ask your therapist if she considers you to be broken because of your sexual orientation and hope she gives you a positive answer. If you begin your therapy sessions feeling anxious and threatened, I don’t think you’ll be able to make much progress. Working with someone while waiting to see if and when they say something homophobic would slow down treatment even more than looking for a replacement.
Q. You stinker: A dear friend who was one of my bridesmaids has grown increasingly, well, odiferous as the years go on. Her body odor is noticeable, and she has bad breath. She doesn’t appear to notice; I think it’s crept up on her. It’s gotten bad enough that I actually lean away from her when she talks. Aside from this problem, she’s delightful company and has a lot of friends. Mutual friends have asked me to say something. The question is, what? I cannot for the life of me think of a tactful, effective way to address this issue. Can you?
A: I’m grateful for this one, because so many of the questions that fall under the category of “Someone I know smells terrible” (and there are a lot of them!) involve someone the letter writer doesn’t know well enough to have a frank conversation with. You, however, have a long-standing and intimate friendship with this woman, and as such are in the uncomfortable but significant position of the Friend Who Is Close Enough to Discuss Body Odor.
Tact is possible here, and effectiveness likely, but I’m afraid even the most tactful raising of the subject is going to hurt her feelings, at least initially. There is no way to dress this up in such a way that your friend enjoys this conversation; however, you can avoid insulting or humiliating her. Do it privately and don’t bring up the fact that other friends have asked you to speak to her; she’ll drive herself to distraction trying to guess which of her friends have been discussing her body odor after she left the room. Because this is such a sensitive, personal issue, be direct and to-the-point. There’s no reason to draw this out or force her to guess what you’re trying to hint at. Tell her you care about her, that you’d want someone to tell you in her position, and that you’ve noticed over the years that she’s consistently and noticeably developed bad breath and a strong body odor, and that she should consider seeing a doctor, in case there’s an underlying medical issue, or re-evaluate her showering/deodorant/toothbrushing routine, because whatever she’s doing right now isn’t working. If she gets defensive or tries to argue with you, don’t engage—all you can do is deliver the message and let her take whatever action she deems necessary.
Q. Tacky baby?: I need someone to weigh in here. I know baby showers are fun, but when are baby showers in poor taste? Is it tacky to throw one for a woman’s second child? A third? What if it’s a new gender to the family? Is it never OK? Always OK? I’m in a group of friends who throws them for everyone in all cases! It’s her fourth boy? Throw a shower! Regardless of whether I’m a miser, what’s the official stance?
A: There’s probably something inherently tacky about throwing a party for the express purpose of asking for gifts, but I don’t think being tacky is always a bad thing. Half the fun of ill-advised parties is feeling quietly superior for not attending! If you think a particular shower is in poor taste, make up a vague excuse and take yourself out to a movie instead. The “OK-ness” probably depends on genuine need—a family that’s rolling in diaper genies and college funds probably doesn’t require a baby shower for Mistletoe the Fourth, but then again, anyone is allowed to throw a party at any time they want, no matter how slight the reason.
Q. Park power play: In my neighborhood there is a sadly neglected park. Despite signs forbidding dogs to be off-leash, there are often dogs running around, and this has deterred parents from bringing kids. One of my neighbors (somewhat eccentric, in that I know he is quite wealthy, but this is a very modest neighborhood) wants to improve the park and offered to the city parks department to privately fund some maintenance and the replacement of a crumbling swing set with a big, new playscape—with a condition. He’ll do it if he sees evidence of the city enforcing the leash law there. No tickets, no donation. The city has recently started giving out tickets, and some other neighbors have moaned about it to me. Should I keep quiet about what I know about the cause? I want to see the park improved. On the other hand, I feel a bit deceitful for keeping quiet instead of arguing my (and the neighbor’s) case.
A: I’m not sure what speaking up would accomplish. If your city has leash laws, your neighbors could hardly argue in a public forum that they shouldn’t be enforced. “Leave the park as it is, please, and go back to looking the other way when I let Miffles off the leash.” All they could do is direct their anger at a specific person. Maybe you and your moaning neighbors could advocate for a designated dog run within the park, but I don’t see the upside in telling everyone the man who’s responsible for reseeding the park’s lawn and decontaminating the fountains is also the reason they can no longer flout leash laws with impunity.
Q. Giving up too much?: So I’m in the process of applying for a work permit for a job I hate. I went overseas for college and haven’t left. I’ve applied to a master’s program this fall in case the work permit doesn’t go through, but I’d have to take out significant loans and continue working part time. The problem is that a major reason I want to stay is because of my boyfriend—we’ve been dating just over two years, living together, and talking casually about marriage in a few years. So it’s a serious relationship for both of us, but we’re also quite young.
Basically, I’m worried that I’m sacrificing too much for a relationship, and too young to do so. I love him, and he’s the most open and generous person I’ve ever met. He’s also said he’s willing to move overseas with me in a year or two when we’re able to get jobs that will let us do that, and I think he means it. Will I end up resenting him if I stay? I have close friends and a solid social life, so he isn’t the only reason I’m willing trying to trap myself in this job for another year or risk taking on debt, but he is the primary one. Do I grin and bear it?
A: It’s clear you hate your job, but it’s not clear whether you’re actually excited about this master’s program, or just see it as a way to extend your visit in this country indefinitely. Taking on student debt is burdensome, and if you’re not genuinely interested in your program and only see it as a visa extension, I certainly can’t recommend sticking around for it. If you liked your job, or genuinely thought that getting this degree would improve the quality of your life, or help you move into a career you love, I might encourage you to stay, but as it is, I think you would wind up resenting both your boyfriend and your friends after not too long a time. You would quickly come to regret your decision if you stayed at a job you hated or took on debt for a degree you felt lukewarm about for the sake of your social circle, boyfriend notwithstanding. I promise you that your other friends are not taking jobs or applying to graduate schools for the sole purpose of staying near you; if you do, you’ll quickly feel left behind when your close friends start spending more time focusing on the jobs and programs they actually enjoy, and don’t have as much time for you as you have for them.
If he’s willing to move overseas with you in a year, why not try looking for a job you actually enjoy elsewhere and ask him to come with you? You say you think he means it when he offers to join you; take him at his word and go for it.
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