ESPN the Magazine
Nov. 19, 2008
Tired of athletes' excuses? Kerry Collins is your guy.
Long-distance runner Dieter Baumann, on why he tested positive for steroids in 1999: My toothpaste was spiked.
Oct. 29, 2008
One coach still knows more than all the others combined.
[John Wooden] is as square as a pan of fudge and honest as a toothache, but I love him.
Oct. 8, 2008
You try walking away from the NFL. It ain't easy.
Forced out of the NFL after 15 years as a legendary safety, [John Lynch had] just watched his old team, the Broncos, beat San Diego in a 39-38 molar-grinder.
Aug. 28, 2008
All World Power Rankings: Special Rick Reilly Edition!
[Denver Broncos kicker Jim Turner] was so alone, he could've caught it, stopped to floss and still made it into the end zone. Greatest day in my 19-year-old life.
July 23, 2008
Hey, what's-your-name! I love you.
Madonna once said, "I won't be happy until I am more famous than God," but right now A-Rod is probably wishing she wasn't—and that he'd gone into dentistry.
Sept. 17, 2007
School for the Uncool
Six-four with a chin you can crack coconuts on. Eyes greener than the 13th at Augusta. And one of those oh-darn-I-forgot-to-shave-and-now-I-look-like-a-cologne-ad beards. But it's not [Tom Brady's] heroic arm or his lifeguard body or his Crest smile that makes women smooth their skirts and men curse their parents.
Sept. 10, 2007
Catch as Catch Can
You say you're 41 years old and your fastball is slower than gums receding and your pitches are so wild people get hurt catching you? Then you must be Tim Wakefield, the Red Sox righthander who gives every fettuccine-armed wannabe major league pitcher hope.
Nov. 20, 2006
Everything Must Go
Every crook and nanny must have an ad on it. I want Crest ads across the front of mouth guards and Gillette Fusion across chin straps.
Sept. 18, 2006
A Hall Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts
Let's see ... Leon Spinks's two front teeth (we're surprising him for Christmas), Alonzo Mourning's bad kidney. Here's the three false teeth that Bobby Hull auctioned off in Quebec in 2004, the ones he says were lost "during a bedroom romp in a Geneva, Switzerland, hotel."
Aug. 28, 2006
I'm a Euro now. Changed my passport and everything. I like real football now, not fat guys in helmets. I no longer see the point in regular dental checkups.
March 13, 2006
The Ceremonial First Sales Pitch
I feel sorry for certain people. Leon Spinks's orthodontist. Bode Miller's agent. Anybody in a ham-eating contest with James Gandolfini.
July 25, 2005
Along for the (Wild) Ride
This year, in [Lance] Armstrong's last Tour, he finally gave in. I got to ride in The Car with [team director Johan] Bruyneel and one of the team's mechanics. … And it was boring—if you were riding a bike. But if you were with Bruyneel, who drives as if his boxers were on fire, it was about as boring as flossing a shark.
May 16, 2005
Be advised that [George Steinbrenner] is returning from the Kentucky Derby soon after a very, very bad weekend. Personally, I would give him a wider berth than Sean Penn with an impacted molar.
Feb. 14, 2005
Making the Right Calls
Of course, after [Patriots receiver Deion] Branch won the MVP, he thanked God, his blockers, his coaches—everyone but his dental hygienist and his own marvelous Velcro hands.
Sept. 27, 2004
Let the Blame Begin
The Ryder Cup is a biennial Walk to the Gum Surgeon for [Tiger] Woods, who seems to enjoy the event the way Joan of Arc enjoyed bonfires.
Sept. 21, 2004
Ryder Needs New Rules
No more cigars on the course. And no more having so damn much fun. Everybody has to play these matches like the Americans, as though they are on their way to gum surgery.
Sept. 15, 2004
Rick Reilly's Ryder Cup Preview
Nail the shutters. Tie down the pets. SuperGlue the dentures. Here comes golf's Hell Week, the Ryder Cup.
Aug. 23, 2004
One Not-So-Shining Moment
I sat on the embankment and waited. Not exactly as glamorous a deal as I'd pictured. Eventually, a fat old woman with three teeth and wearing a bikini top came up and spat out what sounded like a question in Greek. To which I replied, "No, the swimsuit issue is closed for next year, but thanks for asking."
July 26, 2004
Jack Nicholson's Diary
And if you think I'm bad, you ought to see the owner, Jerry Buss. He used to be all tan and teeth. But ever since he fired a coach with nine rings and traded a center with three, he looks like a guy whose Viagra just ran out.
June 28, 2004
Different Tiger, Different Rules
Woods was at it again on Sunday at the U.S. Open at Shinnecock after finishing in 17th place, 14 shots behind the kind of guy he used to pick out of his teeth, Retief Goosen. … Tiger's caddie, Steve Williams, has all the charm of a rhino with an impacted molar.
Jan. 19, 2004
What's In? Wrinkled 'Skin
If age is the rage, let's find more! Who's the next geezer to be asked to take his teeth out of the nightstand glass and sink them into a foundering franchise?
Dec. 22, 2003
Greatest Invention, Period
Not convinced, she says, "O.K., tomorrow, you'll have to go up to school and take Denise to the orthodontist and then drop her at her clarinet lesson…." But of course you're enthralled with Timberwolves 102, Clippers 98. And this is what you hear instead: "O.K., tomorrow Kevin Garnett will have to go up and underdontist and then drop four threes on her clarinet lesson…."
Nov. 24, 2003
What, Me Panic?
"No, I'm not ready to skydive!" you want to say. "I'm about to suffer a premature deployment in my boxers and jettison my lunch here! Every other flight I've ever been on, they won't let us off if the jetway isn't within two inches of the door, and you want me to step out into the bottomless blue sky? I'd sooner floss crocodiles, thanks."
Oct. 27, 2003
And suddenly there it was, a slice of America: Field Afar, a Yankee Stadium with real Yankees, a place as beautiful to these men as Fenway Park is to a Dorchester dentist.
Aug. 11, 2003
Corrupting Our Utes
And I don't want to hear how clean the Utah program has been either, or how, under [coach Rick] Majerus, the Utes have had four Academic All-Americas in the last five years, more than any other Division I basketball program. Clyde Barrow used to floss. So what?
April 28, 2003
Ask yourself: Has anybody run onto an NFL field since Baltimore Colts linebacker Mike Curtis clotheslined that cretin more than 30 years ago? How many lint-brains jump onto the ice at NHL games, when they can see players coming off spitting bicuspids?
Oct. 28, 2002
Amendment VI: The fan shall be afforded a fair and speedy baseball game and not suffer through human glaciers like Nomar Garciaparra stepping out of the batter's box to readjust his hat, sleeves, gloves, groin and stirrups after every pitch; nor shall the fan suffer TV camera closeups so tight that said fan can see the piece of spinach on a pitcher's tooth, all the while leaving said fan no idea that the infield has shifted and the first base coach is on fire.
Oct. 14, 2002
Ten Years After
Next thing you know, Elway gets hurt, and you become, at 21, the youngest QB to take an NFL snap in 46 years. First up, the Los Angeles Raiders. "[Tommy Maddox] looked like my paperboy," Howie Long says after the game, picking parts of you out of his teeth.
Sept. 27, 2002
Sam's Long Gone
The par-four 10th at The Belfry used to be the last page of a Tom Clancy novel, Evel Knievel revving a Harley, President Clinton in front of a grand jury. … Now, thanks to [European Ryder Cup captain Sam] Torrance, it's a warm arugula sandwich, Sunday morning in Milton Keynes, a three-day seminar on gingivitis. It's the dullest, dumbest, dopiest hole in golf.
Aug. 26, 2002
We witnessed the destruction of 57 cars (total blue book value: $938). We thrilled to spine-tingling action with 5,000 other derby-lievers (total teeth: 12,874).
July 29, 2002
It's an Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad World
Do you grind your molars when you see the feared Oakland Raiders play at Network Associates Coliseum? … I want more ads. I want them everywhere. The more the better. If they could find a way to project the Pepsodent logo onto Tiger Woods's pearly whites, I would be delighted.
April 22, 2002
[Tiger Woods' second Masters win] had all the suspense of a good floss. Maybe less. … The leaders teed off at 2:10. By 2:21 Goosen had three-putted number 1, and Woods had a lead between his choppers he would never let go.
Feb. 11, 2002
In Like Flynn
The NFL once told [Super Bowl gatecrasher Dion] Rich if it ever caught him on the field again, he'd be finding out if he could sneak out of jail. He agreed to stay off the fields—but he never said anything about stadiums. A streak is a streak, wartime or peace, and the Gate Crasher knew what lay before him: He must descend into hell and pull the devil's teeth.
Feb. 4, 2002
White Like Me
See, we White Guys know we suck. We hear it all the time. When we hoop, we've got White Man's Disease. When we dance, we've got White Man's Overbite.
Nov. 19, 2001
This is baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Homicide brought him in on charges of a) plotting to murder two teams--probably the Minnesota Twins and the Montreal Expos; b) choking the buzz out of one of the greatest World Series; c) killing any chance there was of avoiding a lockout or strike next season; and d) scamming for his own dog-ass Milwaukee Brewers, who would muscle in on the Twins' fans and TV market if Minnesota gets whacked. On the plus side, he flosses regularly. … This is New York Jets defensive back Damien Robinson. He was busted for the ugliest face-masking since Tammy Faye Bakker. Robinson says he didn't know that he had hold of New Orleans Saints' quarterback Aaron Brooks's face mask. What did you think it was, Damien, orthodontic headgear?
Nov. 12, 2001
Brigham Young? I Don't Think So
Of course, the Cougars aren't nearly as much fun on the road as the Cowboys. Just a bunch of guys sitting around in their rooms, reading the Wall Street Journal and picking UNLV players out of their teeth.
June 11, 2001
Take this Friday night, when Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila will fight Joe Frazier's daughter Jacqui in Verona, N.Y., in a bout billed as Ali-Frazier IV. The IV doesn't refer to intravenous drip, which is what both will probably need after the fight because they come at an opponent, eyes closed, as your little sister did when you made fun of her braces.
Dec. 11, 2000
In other words, there were more bogus handicaps in Sydney than at a dentists' golf tournament.
Nov. 27, 2000
Hangin' with the Chads in Tallahassee
[Cokie] Roberts: But you don't understand! It all seems to have come down to a single hanging chad! Bubba: Missy, you best change it back 'fore I make you run a recount on yer teeth.
April 3, 2000
Jaws IV: Snack Time in Sydney
In the last six weeks there were at least nine shark-related incidents in and near Sydney Harbor, the site of the swimming segment of the triathlon. Three sharks were caught just outside the harbor in two days--one bull, one silky and one 17-foot great hammerhead, which is the kind of shark that flosses triathletes from between its teeth.
Jan. 24, 2000
He Needs a Dream
Ain't that a kick in the bicuspids for [Packers general manager Ron] Wolf? He pulls [Ray] Rhodes off the Salvation Army pile after Rhodes was canned in Philadelphia (the Eagles went 6-9-1 and 3-13 in his last two seasons as coach), and now Wolf's getting his cerebellum beaten in for it.
Dec. 13, 1999
The NBA Player Who Has Never Scored
In his life [Lakers forward A.C.] Green has had just two girlfriends, one in high school and one five years ago. Now, if Green looked like Jughead or picked his teeth with his toenails or smelled like the state fair, you could maybe believe that.
Nov. 29, 1999
The BCS Formula: Bad Will Hunting
[Psi]: Number of teeth in Virginia Tech home crowd divided by number of shoes. (Usually equals 1.)
Oct. 25, 1999
The Buck Stops Here
Plus these hunters keep coming at us with more and more stuff. They've got solunar tables and laser sights and night goggles. We don't even have decent teeth!
Oct. 18, 1999
Sis! Boom! Bah! Humbug!
This is the event in which 408 girls named Amber attempt to create a human Eiffel Tower, screaming, "Two! Four! Six! Eight!" while displaying all their gums at once.
May 17, 1999
This One's From the [Gutter] Heart
In fact, Detroit fans, taken as a whole, [might have an entire set of teeth among them] are delightful zealots for their team.
April 26, 1999
No Fuss Necessary in Wayne's World
Last week everybody up to and including the prime minister of Canada begged Gretzky to play one more season, give the world one last chance to ticker-tape the greatest team athlete in history. Gretzky would rather spend a year flossing rhinos than do that.
April 12, 1999
Funny You Should Ask
I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it.
Feb. 15, 1999
The Embraceable Replace-a-Bulls
I like the Bulls now. In fact, I'm rooting for the Bulls. I feel sorry for them. What they're up against you wouldn't wish on a discount gum surgeon.
Dec. 14, 1998
The Blind Leading the Blind
Look, officiating in the NFL during the 1990s isn't easy. Most of the time it's like standing on the side of a freeway trying to I.D. the vegetable stuck between the incisors of a woman in a passing Ferrari.
Nov. 30, 1998
Hey, Guys, Get a (Poli-)Grip!
On Monday night, Dec. 21, Denver plays at Miami, and if the Broncos are 14-0, the '72ers will make another sideline stand, baring their dentures, ready to trip fullbacks with a well-placed cane or wipe out cornerbacks with a flying prune. … Nobody's put this kind of Poli-Grip on faded glories since the Rolling Stones.
Oct. 19, 1998
The Heart of the Matter
Maybe I'm just getting old, but I remember when your average NFL player would come to the sideline, spit out three bicuspids, Scotch-tape his humerus together and get back out there. Now we have Sta-Puft-like Carolina Panthers quarterback Kerry Collins, who has all the 'nads of a jelly Danish.
Sept. 14, 1998
You Had to See It to Believe It
I can still see [Mark McGwire's] face. He had this withering glare at the plate, like a bouncer with bunions, but he was as quick to laugh as any man I've known. He would sign for all the kids, but he could spot a collector at a hundred rows. He would pick a piece of spinach out of his teeth and it would make the 11 o'clock news, yet he stayed decent and next-door through it all.
Sept. 7, 1998
The Good Father
What Mark McGwire is doing right now is one of the great achievements in the history of sports, not just because he, like Sammy Sosa of the Cubs, is closing in on Roger Maris's record of 61 home runs in a season, but also because he's breaking it with the kind of power that causes 50,000 people to display their cavities in unison.
Sept. 7, 1998
What Would No. 62 Be Worth to You?
"Listen!" yells [baseball old-timer Ty] Cobb, pointing at you. "Whaddya pull down a year, $25,000 tops? You got a car that still runs on leaded. Your wife ain't had a new dress since the Nixon Administration. Your kids' teeth look like Stonehenge. You can't afford somebody else's morals!"
April 13, 1998
Hey, This Turning 40 Ain't So Bad After All
I turned 40 recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect Day." … 1:05—Satisfying accords reached onboard: Patrick Ewing to be called for traveling every time he touches ball, cliched dumping of Gatorade on NFL coaches outlawed, bicuspid-bashing goons banned from NHL but made mandatory at major league baseball owners' meetings. Commissioners praise wisdom, parachute out. … 2:36—Forget to floss.
Jan. 19, 1998
Skiing isn't like flossing sharks. Just read the little signs, listen to the guys in the bright-red coats and try to make sure your last run isn't really your last run.
Aug. 25, 1997
You Da Man!
[Golfer Jeff] Maggert's Christmas was Tommy Tolles's root canal, since it was Tolles whom Maggert bumped from in at nine to out at 11, after Tolles had spent the entire summer in the top 10. "I stuck a dagger in my own heart," he said.
June 9, 1997
Other guys, they'd roll their eyes and say stuff like "It's preposterous even to think about it in this day and age." [Tiger Woods], though, is looking right into the Slam's dental work and not even blinking.
May 12, 1997
A Nose Rings Runs Through It
TV fancy lady Oprah Winfrey banned Chicago Bulls forward Dennis Rodman from plugging his new book—Walk on the Wild Side—on her show last week, calling it "vulgar." Well, Oprah, what you know about jock books wouldn't fill a dentist's spit cup.
April 21, 1997
Strokes of Genius
Only 47-year-old Tom Kite, who would finish second in the same sense that Germany finished second in World War II, refused to give up. He was a schnauzer with his teeth locked onto the tailpipe of a Greyhound bus as it was pulling into beltway traffic.
Nov. 4, 1996
In a Pig's Eye
Faced with a drunken fan screaming obscenities and spitting tobacco juice through stained teeth, you... a. call security b. change seats c. ask Mom to chill
March 27, 1995
Goodness Gracious, He's a Great Ball of Fire
This is because corporate golf wants to get its bar graphs on Woods very badly. He is as fresh and handsome as a soap ad. He has a Steinway smile that would make an orthodontist go broke.
June 20, 1994
Stop This Madness!
We figured Withers over in receivables had pretty much put a cap on the Cuproariousness when he came to work with his teeth dyed green, red and yellow (Cameroon's colors, of course), but then we all came to work and noticed the water in the cooler was Netherlands orange, the work of Hackenfuss in benefits.
May 30, 1994
Dealt a Bad Hand
There is a vague royalty to caddies. They are usually neither well schooled nor well dressed, neither well-bred nor well-off; they may need a shave and two showers and three visits to the dentist; but when they are on the golf course, millionaires hang on their every word.
March 15, 1993
Fore! Don't Touch That Dial!
And, then, when you found out that the airtime would be filled with instructional shows, golf movies, talk shows and live feeds from Asian, Australian, European and LPGA tournaments, you still thought that watching dental plaque form sounded more interesting.
Jan. 25, 1993
Here They Come Again
Comebacks like the one by Buffalo's un-Bill-ievable defensive end Bruce Smith, who lined up with a set of bruised, braised and barbecued ribs and still spent more time in Miami Dolphin quarterback Dan Marino's face than Marino's dentist.
Nov. 9, 1992
How Much Is an Arm and a Leg?
"Can't you see Leonard Nimoy buying up the rights to 'In Search of . . . Herschel Walker's Neck'? Or Johnson & Johnson dental floss acquiring the rights to John Elway's teeth? 'Buy it in the 3,000-yard size!' "
July 15, 1991
I Don't Want To Hear One More Word
The Giffords' Ultra Slim-Fast commercials. Please. Fat has never made it to within a county line of these two. Even at 60, Frank looks as if he could brush his teeth and beat up Mickey Rourke at the same time.
June 17, 1991
Man of Iron
On the course, [golfer Lanny Wadkins] always looks as if he would rather be undergoing gum surgery than playing golf, but when the round's over, Lanny's the one who asks, "What time tomorrow?"
June 17, 1991
Work Out the Kinks
The league MVP was (drumroll, please) Stan Gelbaugh. No, not a Phoenix orthodontist, but the London Monarchs' quarterback.
July 9, 1990
This gadget taught us to keep our head rock steady through the swing, and we hit more good shots with it than bad. We give it a birdie. Unfortunately, it looks like night braces, those things kids wear to bed to straighten their teeth. … You mean, Bobby Heins is using the Swing Ring! Order me a dozen! This thing is about as much fun as flossing.
April 16, 1990
The real [Raymond] Floyd is about as much fun on a golf course as an OSHA inspector with a toothache.
April 2, 1990
No, the best hole in the country is a hellacious, wonderful, terrifying, simple, treacherous, impossible, perfect molar-knocker of a par-3.
March 26, 1990
His Name Is Mudd
[Golfer Jodie] Mudd is short on pounds but long on guts. He kept Calcavecchia's famous molars out of his backside the entire day, matching Calcavecchia's final-round 69 with a 69 of his own.
Feb. 7, 1989
Tannia and Me
For those of us under 35, those of us who spent our Wonder years with SI, our voice-cracking, orthodontist-funding, Richie Cunningham years with it, the swimsuit issue was a kind of annual hormonal chart, a libidinal litmus test.
Feb. 7, 1989
Hola! Gracias! Destapador!
Where to surf: Anywhere. Nearly every place we went had very good, head-high surf. The best places we saw were in Puerto Escondido, Ixtapa and just south of Acapulco, but the surfers who showed us the best spots said they would personally wax my teeth to my tongue if I told you exactly where they were.
Dec. 12, 1988
A Trio at the Top
Townsend had returned a fumble for a touchdown against Seattle on the previous Sunday night. With two TDs this season Townsend has more than Lofton, Gault and Christensen put together. [Raiders owner Al] Davis must have been grinding his molars.
Feb. 1, 1988
All Action, No Talk
"I'm a straight-ahead guy," he says. "If you say you're going to be one way, don't be left of it or right of it." Or, as one of Haynes's old coaches puts it, "If you tell Mark it's going to rain, it better rain." [Denver Broncos cornerback Mark] Haynes is to small talk what David Letterman is to orthodontics.
Nov. 30, 1987
Season for No Reason
The NFC is also mastering mediocrity. Most of the glamour teams are picking AstroTurf out of their teeth.
June 22, 1987
Bowed but Not Broken
But even [Jack] Nicklaus never had two majors—in a row—snapped out of his molars, the way [Greg] Norman did.
Jan. 12, 1987
Guts, Brains and Glory
Having safely eaten his steak, the Hurricanes' 285-pound All-America defensive tackle and designated orator, Jerome Brown, said, "Did the Japanese sit down and eat with Pearl Harbor before they bombed them? No. We're out of here." And out he Marched with all the Canes in tow, leaving the Lions and Fiesta Bowl officials with their molars hanging out.
June 23, 1986
Guts, Grit and Grandeur
Golf's time-tunnel tour came to Long Island's chichi Hamptons last week, to the land of tans and teeth and two-day workweeks, and it lingered there long enough to send us whirling back to the future again.
Sept. 4, 1985
University of Arkansas Season Preview
[Kevin] Wyatt, who was All-SWC in 1984 at cornerback with five interceptions, got the job because a) he's fast, b) he's sneaky, and c) he's not particularly averse to having his dental work redone by a size 12. Last year he blocked two field-goal tries.
Aug. 19, 1985
On Deck for the Big Knock
Anyway, all these things came to Rose for his uncanny ability to get hits. Celebrity arrived for what he did between them—sliding molars first, running even when he walked, bouncing baseballs off AstroTurf to punctuate the end of an inning.
The Times of London
Sept. 18, 2004
First offenders get no sure shank redemption
Your lungs are inquiring why there's no air to breathe, your mind wants to know why you didn't give up this golf notion and go to dental school like your mother wanted you to, and your sphincter has closed up shop entirely.
Los Angeles Times
Feb. 11, 1985
Rogers Reaches a New Height in Being Low
If we are going to be fibbed to and then catch the fibber with his pants down, we at least expect to hear a reasonably creative excuse. We at least want [former Arizona State football coach Darryl] Rogers to tell us he had an orthodontist's appointment and didn't have time to tell us the truth or that his dog threw up on the Detroit contract and he couldn't see his signature on it or at least that the computer was down.
She never seemed to answer her cell. Girl can be as stubborn as an impacted molar.
It was a magnificent course, splendid, huge, epic, gorgeous, manufactured as if by toothbrushes, greens like a Marine buzz cut, double-cut fairways, tee boxes you would happily roll around naked upon.
"Commodore Worstenheim?" he was calling in a shaky Scottish accent, walking right toward us. "Commodore Worstenheim?" The dad practically spit out his dentures.
"Okay, what the fuck's going on here?" the mark said. He was about to start rearranging dental fillings.
Two spit out a tooth and looked up at him as he pulled away. "You're not Mr. Fredericks, are you?"
Two shook the bells out of his head and spit out another tooth. I walked over and stepped on his neck.
The whole room went dead silent, with everybody staring at Dannie wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Two Down spit out yet another tooth.
Who's Your Caddy?: Looping for the Great, Near Great, and Reprobates of Golf, 2003
Big Al looks to me like a man who would no sooner want to bet Dewey in golf than he would like to fill a cavity on a sick crocodile.
To Casey Martin, standing around waiting is like anesthetic-free dental surgery to you and me.
Slo Mo!, 2000
A 7-8 hat rack with spectacles named Maurice "Slo-Mo" Finsternick killed the Kings last night, which, when you consider that he is just slightly slower than erosion, is like saying that gingivitis killed the Huns.
In fact, I got only four points, no offensive rebounds, one chipped tooth, two knees in the groin ...
Plus, I got only one rebound, no fouls, no assists, a black eye, a split lip, and my left bicuspid knocked out.
We both laughed and she had the most beautiful smile. She must've had twice the amount of teeth most girls have.
Missing Links, 1997
And she was dreaming about that life the day she saw, coming over the emerald-green hill, a man straight out of a J. Crew catalogue—crushingly handsome, all tan and teeth.
I tried for the PGA Tour, but I got killed in Tour Qualifying School, which is 600 guys trying for 50 places, which is the nearest thing on this earth to anesthetic-free dental surgery.
To me, most of these guys looked like they picked their teeth with welfare mothers and wiped their feet on woven children.
The red-brick wall that was so dilapidated on our side looked like they sent a team of convicts with toothbrushes out every day to scrub the mortar on this side.
This ain't you and me and Chunk chipping into Manelli's drive-thru window. This is lawyer whip-out stuff. These guys floss out chunks of guys like you.
If you ever so much as look up my phone number to call me again, I'll come down to your office or Republican National Headquarters or whatever you call it and floss your teeth with my 7-iron.
Sure, he groaned, spitting out a tooth and holding his knee. "This is NOT my favorite putting green, y'know what I mean?"
I could make a double bogey and Hoover a triple and we'd win. We'd be laughing. Nothin' but teeth.