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As Seen on Television

By Andrew HudginsPosted Wednesday, Feb. 7, 2001, at 3:00 AM ET

If Daddy held a steady job
I'd learn my long division.
I'd be a smiling Kool-Aid kid—
as seen on television.

If Daddy didn't drink all night,
I'd master cell division,
I'd be like that Doogie Howser kid—
as seen on television.

If Mom cooked supper every night,
I'd know Dred Scott's decision
like a four-eyed geek on College Bowl—
as seen on television.

If Mommy didn't cry all day,
I'd sneer French like a rich Parisian
or lisp it like the passionate skunk—
as seen on television.

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Andrew Hudgins teaches at Ohio State University. His books include Ecstatic in the Poison and After the Lost War.
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