" 'I was so coked up at the time, I hardly even remembered it,' said Jay Leno impersonating Bush last night during the monologue."—Jon Hotchkiss (Daniel Radosh, Adam Bonin, Francis Heaney, David Finkle, Floyd Elliot, Marshall Efron, Evan Brady, Fred Petrick, Hanneke Festen, Tom O'Connor, Chris Thomas, Allen Specht, Chris Gwaltney, Mark Shotzberger, Ed Page, Kevin Gregg, Steve Kiefer, John Ishihara, Ian Beste, and James J. Vihstadt had similar answers, but less layered.)

"He felt somehow inferior to Ted Kennedy, who actually killed someone while driving drunk."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Brooke Saucier and John Bourne)

"He didn't want a full-page attack ad from Steve Allen."—Andrew Milner

"Afraid of losing the coveted endorsement of the National Tavern Association."—Julie Carwile

"He did not want to announce it during the lifetime of Bob Hope."—Charlie Glassenberg

"I didn't want my children to find out about the transvestite prostitute in the car with me."—Greg Diamond (similarly, but the dead coke dealer in the trunk, Walt Colt)

"The real question is: If he learned his lesson from his youthful indiscretion at 30, why did W. wait until age 40 to stop drinking?"—Mark Wade (similarly, Charles Star)

"Bush maintained that he wasn't drunk at all—he was merely feeling the intoxicating effects of the elixir he used in his (failed) efforts to drown his wife, Michelle Pfeiffer, when she found out that he'd murdered the student he'd had an affair with. Wait, no: That was the final plot twist in What Lies Beneath. My bad."—Tim Carvell

"Nobody was actually driving the car. They were all sitting in the back seat, singing."—Fred Petrick

"He didn't realize that law enforcement was a government program."—Richard Nikonovich-Kahn

"Insurance premiums. You kiddin' me?"—Dan Dickinson

"DUI convictions divide people."—Tom O'Connor

"He didn't want his daughters to think that it was OK to hang out with John Newcombe."—Tom Tegtmeyer

"If his dad ever found out he'd have been grounded."—Ed Page

"He did not want to be portrayed by a typecast Tim Allen in the biopic Fortunate Son."—Matt Sullivan

"Cheney's got two DUIs on his record. With only one (that we know about), Bush just felt inferior."—Adam Bonin (similarly, Steven Davis)

"He had the overriding fear that his daughters, upon hearing the news, would get drunk, be arrested for DUI, be elected governor, and preside over hundreds of state-sponsored murders, and be nominated by the Republican Party for president, just like their father."—Jim Harper

"Jesus told him to. Apparently Jesus also told him to mock a woman about to be executed, take credit for bills he'd vetoed, and pander to right-wing Christians. Bush campaign officials have promised that Dubya's dad has forbidden him to hang around with this Jesus character anymore."—Floyd "I'm So Excited That My Vote and That of 10,000 Cook County Corpses Could Make the Difference" Elliot (similarly, Sharon Dynek and Rick Alber)

"He'd promised its revelation exclusively to Barbara Walters for A Very Special 20/20."—L.K. Peterson

"At the time of the incident he asked his Magic 8-Ball if he should divulge what happened. The Magic 8-Ball answered, 'Answer unclear—ask again later,' but he forgot to go back and ask again, probably due to all the brain cells he killed with his cocaine use."—Sharon Dynek

"The sampler Barbara embroidered to hang over the family room fireplace: 'They're never too old to spank.' "—Alison Gordon (similarly, Rick Alber and Kathy Kreutzer; but his daddy, Peter Touchstone)

"He was waiting for a dignified Negro to emerge from the shadows at the country club and help him find his swing."—Peter Carlin

"He was confused by the DUI charge, thinking it was contraception-related."—Sharon Dynek (similarly, Anthony Wright)

"He was pursuing an appeal of the conviction on the grounds that beer isn't an intoxicant, but rather a 'liquid bread.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"Lying is only wrong when Democrats do it. Hey, it's worked for him so far, why change a winning strategy?"—Francis Heaney

"What else? Fuzzy math!"—Peter Lerangis

"The incident occurred on his way back from a Skulls meeting, and therefore he was barred from saying anything."—Steve Kiefer

"At a press conference, Bush explained: 'Well, I was going to tell the American people about it that same night, but by the time I got home you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up. And then the next morning, that was the morning the whole terrible thing with the dog happened, and I didn't want to upset you any more by bringing up my little problems. And the next thing I knew, 25 years had gone by, and it had just plain slipped my mind.' "—Sharon Stern (similarly, L.K. Peterson)

"His daddy had always told him that it was all right to lie about piddling stuff like DUIs and Iran-Contra as long as his dignity and integrity was maintained."—Steven Davis

"He decided that if scandalous coverups are good enough for the Kennedy family, they're good enough for George W.!"—Sharon Dynek (similarly, L.K. Peterson, Tom O'Connor, and Sarah M. Balcomb)

Inarticulate Jabber—Get Used to It—Corner

"He's not infalallabibble."—Francis Heaney

"He thought his record had been expurgalized."—Charles Star

"I didn't want to mess up the digrity and the integnity of what the hopes of our dreams for a leadership of America can come to take wing to be."—Ellis Weiner

"He didn't want to have to say, 'alcohomobal,' 'intoximicatabted,' or 'my daddy got me out of trouble, nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.' "—Larry Amoros

Nostaligia Reference Corner

"Did Sasha have anything to do with it? I would have expected more nostalgia for floppy-haired Sasha."—Charles Star

Self-Reference Corner

"He quit drinking sometime ago, and only plans to get off the wagon for the News Quiz party next week."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Great—News Quiz is over. Now who am I supposed to suck up to?"—Greg Diamond

"What's wrong with keeping a secret for 25 years? I think Tim Carvell could learn a good deal from Gov. Bush. By the way, Bush loses the election at the last minute, thanks to a daring (and uncredited!) rescue by Samuel Jackson. It's so cool!"—Tom O'Connor

One Child Born and the World To Carry On Corner

"Following in George W. Bush's tire treads, John Hotchkiss became a father last week, and now never has to tell the truth about anything either, if it might get back to the kids. Nice move and congrats! A touching footnote: He named the baby Newsquiz!"—Chris Kelly