"A sullen 'That's 1 pound 30' from the bored Starbuck's clerk."—Ellis Weiner (Adam Bonin, Sharon Dynek, L.K. Peterson, Dilan Esper, Fred Petrick, Mark Wade, Doug Wagner, Walt Colt, Mark Mood, David Oakes, Andy Rosen, Marty Byrne, Peter Partheymuller, Peter Carlin, and Steve Snyder had similar answers.)

"A single Fianchetto."—Larry Amoros, David Finkle, Sharon Dynek, Greg Diamond, Will Vehrs, Fred Petrick, Steve Kiefer, Mark Wade, Mark Romoser, Chris Gwaltney, Andrew Staples, and Floyd Elliot

"All respectable Fianchologists recognize that Fianchettos propagate by fission, not fusion, so the answer is a Quadruple Fianchetto. The idea of a single Fianchetto is, of course, too preposterous to contemplate."—Matthew Renner

"Make it a double Vigoda and you've got funny, pure light, sweet, crude funny."—T.G. Gibbon

"A man walking up to the bar and saying, 'Barkeep? A Fianchetto, please! And make it a double!' "—Tim Carvell

"The hilarious antics of Double Pantalone, Double Arlecchino, Double Dottore, and other familiar characters from the medieval Italian 'Commedia dell'arte duale.' "—Christopher Roberson

"I don't know. But, I am sure the Double Fianchetto was immediately followed by 'Who Let the Dogs Out' being blasted over the PA system to the delight of the raucous crowd."—Omar Farooq Usmani (similarly, Stacy Kerkela and Mark Wade)

"The shock of the Solo Fianchetto winners' medals being revoked after their urine tests came back positive for doping."—L.K. Peterson

"The comet Swift-Tuttle, a plague of flies, and a rain of herrings ... all on one night in Bangkok."—Deborah Guy

"Member of the British press actually physically dropped dead from amazement that us Yanks are actually considering electing that inarticulate, electrocution-happy, bumbling, failed businessman from Texas."—Anthony Wright

"Bobby Fischer choked on a pawn in the Carlsbad formation (I have no idea what I'm talking about but I love the word 'zugzwang')."—Sarah M. Balcomb

"Twenty minutes of foreplay?"—Terry Brown

"A grande Dunkacchino."—Daniel Radosh

"The ass of whoever England has instead of Strom Thurmond."—Steve Kiefer

"A piano falling on one of the members of the world-renowned Fianchetto Trio."—Tim Carvell

"Could I have a 'similarly' to any claims of physical implausibility?"—Ben Sheriff

"Several rounds of sour apple martinis and a promise of a screen test."—Karen Bitterman

"A kegger with the Fianchetto sisters."—Mark Wade

"Garry Kasparov's death by self-immolation."—Francis Heaney (similarly, David Finkle)

"Kristi Yamaguchi executing a flawless quadruple Axel-Frappuccino."—Salvatore Scafidi

"Stephen Hawking landed his first triple salchow."—Toph Whitmore (similary, Mark Romoser)

"Dave Thomas."—Dan Dickinson

"The smell of burnt toast."—Rowan Andre Lubke

"Tipper Gore in lace."—Anthony Wright

"A badly strategized George Bush rally."—Noah Meyerson

"Laurence Fishburne stating, 'There it is!' "—Phillip Sweat

"Glenn Close—who everyone thought had been drowned in the tub, since she'd been lying still in there for something like 30 seconds—suddenly lurched back to life and tried to choke Michael Douglas, only to be shot to death by Anne Archer."—Tim Carvell

"Ralph Nader, claiming that 'the systemic convergence of the two major' Fianchettos spurred him to start his own Fianchetto."—Floyd Elliot

"A reverse Siamese twin separating operation, in effect, joining the Fianchetto twins! (And their twined fates are in the hands of God, their parents, doctors, and lawyers may or may not have added.)"—K. Whitesel (similarly, Steven Davis and Keith Friedlander)

"A soccer riot."—Steve Kiefer

"Tony Blair showed off his third nipple."—Brooke Saucier

"Wot Guv; a wogs got ere in the east end ... bloody Eye ties ... shut up Tony yer mike's on."—Ian O'Henley

"I don't know and, as soon as I knock a few more of these babies back, I'm sure I won't care!"—David Granger

"I don't know, but if I may I wanted to take this opportunity to insert this phrase into popular discourse before Time magazine beats me to it: 'Pandora's Lockbox.' "— Greg Diamond

"Emeril kicking it up a notch. Then some Limey kicking up Emeril's crotch. Bam!"—Steven Davis

"In a major upset, 'The Claw' was ripped apart by the killsaws and lost to 'Barracuda' in yet another stunning night of action here on Battlebots!!!"—Dave Gaffen

"John Larroquette's triumphant return to television? Oh, wait. That came later."—Tom Tegtmeyer

"The consumption of an explosive combination of too much ale and steak and kidney pie."—Richard Nikonovich-Kahn (similarly, Evan Brady, John Hanson, and David Ballard)

"An English opening, NG1-f3, conservative play by Kramnik ... no matter how you describe it, it basically boils down to one Russian guy moved his horsy, then the other Russian guy moved his horsy."—Brandon Thornburg

Self-Reference Corner

"In a dazzling spectacle, Dr. Demerest paraded through the studio on a float with Strom Thurmond's ass, James Bond's penis, and Björk."—Will Vehrs (similarly, Colin Delaney)

"Tim Carvell jumping on the stage shouting, 'Next we're going to see a Double Fianchetto!' "—Hanneke Festen

Nostalgia Corner

"Total number of references to commedia dell'arte throughout all 499 editions of News Quiz—one."

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today, kidz, for our final installment of this little feature—thanks in no small part to the letters of complaint from your parents about what I was doing to your impressionable little minds—we're going to honor laughter. Laughter is very important! A life without laughter would hardly be worth living! In fact, man is the only animal that laughs, or at least the only one that laughs at Mark Russell. So let's consider the various kinds of laughter. There's the sadistic laughter you feel when someone you have contempt for messes up. The forced laughter that's the lubricant of so many social situations. The desperate laughter that occurs when you're trying to make a good impression and failing. The self-conscious laughter you emit when you realize people are making fun of you. The halting laughter of when you're making fun of someone you're not sure you should be making fun of. The mirthless laughter you share with friends when contemplating four years of living in a country with a president dumber than a box of sand, but with the gift of getting the public to laugh with him, at his opponent, for being smarter than he is. Hmm, I think those are the only kinds. So, my wish for you, kidz, is many years filled with laughter. Thank your parents for getting me fired, and especially for including their addresses with their letters. I'll have lots of time to travel the country now that I'm unemployed."— Greg Diamond