"Please, no, not another Lazio attack ad!"—Mark Romoser (Mike DeSantis and Noah Meyerson had similar answers.)

"Ah, get screwed, Randy! Mr. Geller is a uniter, not a divider!"—Greg Diamond

"Earn a grant from the NEA, and quickly, before Lynne Cheney is back."—Thomas Weiner (similarly, Will Vehrs, Andrew Milner, and Scott Perkins)

"He's probably trying to patent some horrifying disease that kills off characters unexpectedly two-thirds of the way through movies, like Ali McGraw in Love Story, Susan Sarandon in Stepmom, Winona Ryder in Autumn in New York, or Whoopi Goldberg in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. (It should also be noted that Tommy Lee Jones has a terminal disease in Space Cowboys, but kills himself in a heroic act of self-sacrifice before it can kill him.)"—Tim "Spoiler" Carvell

"Geller's new Stigmata Gun could revolutionize law enforcement."—Will Vehrs (similarly, Chris Gwaltney and Sean Downey)

"Oh great, another message from those busybodies at the Wiccan Council asking us to remember the true meaning of Halloween; sucking chest wounds and plenty of 'em."—T.G. Gibbon

"A nice little West Wing subplot, in which President Bartlet's flapability and hemophilia are revealed in the same episode."—Josh Kamensky

"I don't know, but I hope it involves Carrot Top."—Sharon Dynek

"Show the FAA how to get a pig off an airplane."—Ray Hastings

"It sounds like a bit of a reach for Firestone to now claim that separating tread is a value added feature."—Steven Davis

"I find it hard to believe that the Patent and Trademark Office is going to grant Mr. Geller a patent for something called 'Mutilate Me Elmo.' "—Craig A. Calcaterra

"This guy really wants to go to one of Anne Rice's parties."—Laura Miller

"Mr. Geller was applying for a Department of Education grant based on teaching methods used to raise test scores in the state of Texas."—Allen Specht

"Mr. Geller is the new designer for the Gillette Co. They are producing a new series of razors that shave so close, that you will never need to shave again for a week."—Mark Shotzberger (similarly, Josh Kamensky and Mark Wade)

"To make his brother Uri look sane by comparison."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Steven Davis, Peter Partheymuller, Deborah Wassertzug, Will Vehrs, Jim Harper, and Tom O'Connor)

" 'Cutting'—it's not just for depressed teen-age girls anymore!"—Matt Sullivan

"Geller hopes to add 'Death by Boxing, Two Rounds With Mike Tyson' to the list of options available to Texas juries in capital murder cases. Even better if he has been deprived of food for a week prior to the convict's 'last bout.' "—Reed Figley (similarly, Richard Nikonovich-Kahn)

"The papers outline Geller's argument for why he should get early parole. Parole board insiders say it's not looking good."—Lara Williams

"He hoped to get the head writing job on the new Fox WWF series."—Larry Amoros

"Put me down, with a contented purr, as 'similarly' for all Jocelyn Wildenstien answers."—Brent Danzig

"Inflict paper cuts on government regulators. Duh."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Francis Heaney, Stu Clark, and Karim Nanji)

"Acquire a patent for his new invention, 'A Perpetual Motion Machine Which Maims Snoopy Patent Investigators.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"Tax reform. Isn't it nice to see civil servants taking initiative?"—David Salzman

"Gosh, I imagine it's another thinly veiled threat to the IRS. It gets earlier every year. Like Hallmark bringing out the Halloween decorations in August. But less scary."—Winter Miller (similarly, Mark Wade)

"Under Gore, Geller will direct the Internal Revenue Service; under Bush, he'll get secretary of state."—Josh Kamensky

"Just put me down for similarly for anything involving a job at the IRS."—Timothy Prodin

"Putting the 'men' into 'menstruation.' "—Matt Sullivan

"Obtain a court order allowing him to 'ascertain once and for all whether the aforementioned Mr. Hope is in fact deceased and no longer circulating blood throughout his body.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"He wanted to make it easier for Roger Clemens to intimidate opposing batters."—Anne Wolfson

"Stating that just about any bodily injury would be better than voting for either of the senatorial candidates, Geller hoped to draft Roger Clemens into the run for Moynihan's seat."—Brooke Saucier

"Patent Ebola."—Mark Wade

"Impress Jodie Foster."—Scott Pollino

"I don't care what it took to let Dee Snider make Strangeland 2; they still can't force us to go see it."—Lori Geddes

"Demonstrate the fairness of the Boy Scout's Gay-Bashing Badge requirements."—Will Vehrs

"He's hoping to get a patent on his new board game, InquisitionLand. 'Oh, Mom, you always get the Iron Maiden card ..."—Floyd "If You Guys Are Going To Canada With Alec Baldwin, Can I Have All Your Stuff?" Elliot

"Again, I don't think we should be discussing the preparations for next Passover so openly."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Clearly he needed a judicial ruling that paper rules in the rock-scissors-paper game."—Carrie Rickey

"Alan Geller, who by the way is no relation to actor Elliott Gould, who plays Jack Geller—father of Rachel and Ross Geller—on the hit NBC-TV show Friends, wants the NTSB to purchase his specially engineered human clones as substitutes for crash-test-dummies. Mr. Geller's research anticipates progress twofold: 1) safer cars; and 2) tough-ass humans. Accomplish? Grant money."—Dan Dickinson

Self-Reference Corner

"I'm guessing it has something to do with the scene in Silence of the Lambs where they find the guard, mangled and barely breathing, on the floor and then in the ambulance we see the 'guard' lift his face off and surprise!!! It's Tim Carvell."—Danie "Beating a Dead Horse Until It Whispers Back" Kahn

"Does it have anything to do with people who were planning to see Pay It Forward exacting revenge on Tim Carvell?"—Sharon Dynek

"To accomplish the rare triple play of a mention in Cindy Adams' column, News Quiz, and Jane's Defence Weekly."—Mark Terry

Nostalgia Reference Corner

"I was just thinking back to the first time I found News Quiz, when I used to struggle mightily to get anywhere on the list—anywhere! I used to think it was the work of Slate interns, deeming my answers 'not funny' before forwarding them on to Randy, and then, later, I realized it was Randy himself telling me not to quit my day job for the big whale rodeo of comedy writing. Oh, then there was the creation of the 'Self Reference Corner,' which was truly the refuge of we scoundrels who could not get on the list other than by talking about ourselves, or relatives, or Greg Diamond. Those of us who waving our hands frantically saying, 'Ooh—pick me! Pick me!' I'm better now. Did I mention Greg? Or that I was there at the beginning of Strom Thurmond's ass?"—Kate Wing (Us scoundrels; object of preposition "of"—Ed.)

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today, kidz, because we don't want you thinking about bleeding body parts—especially not body parts that suddenly start bleeding during the middle of the night when you're alone in your room and you want to scream but you can't scream and you can't even move and until finally you're able to tilt your head slightly and see something you can't quite make out in the shadows, but you can see it's coming closer—we're instead going to talk about the sorts of real monsters that adults have to deal with. OK, the following cars and trucks were double-parked this morning, blocking perfectly good lanes of traffic, making me late and earning this public humiliation: on 96^th Street westbound, just east of Second Avenue, UPS van, license number ..."—Greg Diamond