"Dr. Denton Cooley, about the Texas Heart Institute's new 'Buy A Buick, Get an Organ' rebate program."—Larry Amoros

" 'This is the last time I'm ever going to argue a case before the Supreme Court!,' concluded the U.S. solicitor general."—Omar Farooq Usmani

"Wilford Brimley, playing J.D. Salinger in Fox's new sitcom Recluse on the Loose, when asked by his sarcastic granddaughter to take her to a Backstreet Boys concert."—Thomas Schrope

"Hey, if those department-store Santas don't like the working conditions let 'em go find another job!"—Sharon Dynek

"Madeleine Albright, about the restrooms in Pyongyang's Palace of the Heroic Korean People."—Salvatore Scafidi (Raphael Laufer had a similar answer.)

"New York Times food critic William Grimes, on dinner with his parents."—Tim Carvell

"The Bureau of Labor Statistics, about every single fast-food place in this full-employment-nobody-gives-a-rat's-ass-anymore-I'll-just-get-another-job-down-the-street country of ours."—Mark Wade

"Frankly, those of us in the rest of the country aren't really interested in ballpark dishing on the New York subway."—Paul Frellick (similarly, Mark Romoser)

"I said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't care how many great films it shows, the Angelika sucks."—Sarah Quinn

"Don't care what anyone says, I'm eating at Nobu tomorrow night no matter what."—Steve Kiefer

"Hillary Clinton, not realizing the microphone is on, is caught explaining her real feelings about New York."—Daniel Barenholtz (similarly, Andrew Levy)

"Dick Cheney, about why he hasn't been voting."—Matthew Singer (similarly, Rick Alber and Josh Kamensky)

"Undecided voters, explaining why, after all that, they decided not to stay home on Election Day."—Katha Pollitt (similarly, Evan Brady and Daniel Barenholtz)

"Current 'It Girl' Kate Hudson, about the McDonald's near her apartment. Jeez, they'll print anything she says, huh?"—Alex Pascover

"This is what Al Gore said the elderly would have to deal with when they go to fill their prescriptions if George Bush is elected, which coincidentally is what Bush said would happen to patriots when they go to buy their guns if Gore is elected, which is exactly what Pat Buchanan tells foreigners in order to try and talk them out of coming to the United States."—Scott Mathias (similarly, but guns only, Terry Brown )

"Former Serbian President Slobo in explaining the necessity for a recount."—David Feige

"Ralph Nader, on giving up his run for the presidency in favor of a nice, comfy recliner."—Kathleen Stebbins

"Bush, on why he's considering forgetting politics and returning to his past life of swimming through an Olympic size pool filled with $20 bills."—Terrence Laukkanen (similarly, Michael Hope)

"Yeah, I'm surprised Hugh Grant dated her as long as he did, too."—Colin Rafferty (similarly, but the Detroit Pistons and Madonna, Jon Hotchkis)

"President Putin after a recent shopping trip to downtown Moscow. 'And I'm fairly certain I can fix that with nice, clear tax laws, a stable economy, and a more rapid response to the next sub sinking,' he may or may not have added."—K. Whitesel (similarly, Matthew Singer)

"Lauren Hutton, about the ER at Las Vegas General, while waiting to have her leg reattached."—Salvatore Scafidi

Southern Baptist Reference Corner

"The temple harlots said it about the Southern Baptist elders at the post-convention orgy."—Deborah Guy

"Jimmy Carter, on why he's no longer masturbating. (The wanking-free zone didn't extend throughout the rest of News Quiz's duration, did it?)"—Steve Kiefer (similarly, Andrew Levy)

"A frustrated would-be Baptist homeowner, waiting to get into the Jimmy Carter Habitat for Humanity model home."—Will Vehrs

French Reference Corner

"It doesn't matter who said it, but it's gotta be something about France, right? Take this answer and shove it! Oui?"—John Foster (similarly, Mark Wade, Sharon Stern, Daniel Barenholtz, and Chris Gwaltney)

"Donald Trump, about France, said right before he initiated his unsuccessful hostile takeover of the country. 'I'll get that place in-line and humming in no time. It'll reek of quality, baby!' he added."—Greg Bilionis

"Well, I want to respond, 'France,' but, you know, in these waning days of the quiz, I feel we ought to be reaching out a hand of brotherly love and friendship to our neighbors abroad, bringing them into the giant ring of love and warmth that News Quiz has fostered. So, instead I'll just say Paris."—Floyd Elliot

Zagat Reference Corner

"The Zagat Survey 2001 is out, and Communion at St. Patrick's Cathedral in midtown yet again draws some of the lowest ratings in the book."—Tim Carvell

"Tim and Nina Zagat, rating the hot dog food court at the newly PG Show World for Zagat's 2001."—Winter Miller

"Zagat's, about the Fiery Pit, Hell's new barbecue place. Afterward, the reviewers were thrown into the lake of burning pitch."—Floyd Elliot

"From Tim and Nina Zagat's new mistranslation of the Jewish classic, Ethics of the Fathers. The actual text reads, 'The day is short, and the work is great, and the workmen are sluggish, and the reward is much, and the Master of the house is urgent.' "—Deborah Wassertzug (similarly only in being Zagatic, Laura Miller)

Self-Reference Corner

"Capt. Monkey, on why he has chosen to retire after 40 years with Iberia Airlines. (I hope you are satisfied.)"—Sarah Quinn

"My grandmother, about pretty much anywhere we ever went."—Tim Carvell (similarly, but his parents, Walt Morgan)

"Hey, tell my kids: My house, my rules. And no, they can't have a snake, either."—Floyd Elliot

"Ananda Gupta, explaining why he broke his News Quiz habit."—Steve Kiefer

"Me. Sex. How obvious is the truth? Just put me down as a 'similarly.' "—Alison Rogers

"It's that horrid Jimmy Carter Presidential Restaurant! Who the hell came up with that idea anyway?"—Jay D. Majors

"The staff of Novocento griping about the News Quiz Wake the morning after (don't blame me, I'll have been in a cab speeding toward Penn Station, trying to get a seat next to Kim Basinger on the Metroliner to Montreal)."—Larry Peterson (similarly, Greg Diamond)

"Hmmm … maybe it was Bruce Willis, upon arriving in the afterlife at the end of The Sixth Sense—although he's been a ghost throughout the entire running time of the film. Or maybe it's Darth Vader, to his son, Luke Skywalker. Or Edward Norton to his entirely imaginary alter-ego, Brad Pitt, in Fight Club. Or perhaps it's Kevin Spacey—who's actually Keyser Soze—in The Usual Suspects. Or the wife who killed Harrison Ford's mistress in Presumed Innocent. Oh, and one more thing: In The Crying Game, Jaye Davidson has a penis."—Tim "Take That, David Finkle" Carvell

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"OK, kidz, I've been watching a bunch of political ads on television, so today we're going to we honor doubletalk! Doubletalk is where you talk a lot but end up not really saying anything. Politicians are masters of dubbatalk—ha ha, that sounds a bit like Dubyatalk, doesn't it? Doubletalk, dubbatalk, Dubyatalk! Doubletalk, Dubyatalk! Woo-hoo! Honey, get me Gore's campaign office on the line, would you? Actually, hell, get me Jay Leno's office! Hey, I wonder if I come up with anything else like—Dubyatante! Dubya taunt! Hmmm, OK, only one good idea per day, I guess.—Greg Diamond