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The World Series Is Dead

By Seth StevensonPosted Thursday, Oct. 19, 2000, at 9:00 PM ET

For non-New Yorkers, it's irritating. For New Englanders, it's abrasive. For me—Bostonian, baseball lover, devout Red Sox fan—this is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my whole entire life.

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You, New York, have taken the World Series away from me. The last few years were bad enough—my only pleasure dwelling in that thin slice of hope that the Yanks might lose. But this, this is a whole different ballgame. Now there's no one left to root for. My favorite event of the year, and I can't even watch! Why? For fear that rising bile will eat clean through my heart.

How do I resent thee? Let me count the ways.

1. Roger Clemens. The thought of you with another ring, in the Hall as a Yankee, shedding the choker label, going out a winner … I need a moment to collect myself. Where was your 15-strikeout, complete game performance in '86? You couldn't close out Game 6, you wuss!

2. Jose Canseco. The thought of you with another ring, bathing in Yankee camaraderie (because there wasn't enough time to become a cancer on the clubhouse), celebrating beneath your laughable haircut ... I need another moment. What happened in '95 during your forgettable stint with the Sox? You went 0 for the playoffs, you meathead!

3. Derek Jeter. OK, not much bad to say. But watching you rack up rings and celebrity galpals while the slightly more talented Nomar Garciaparra plays second fiddle ... it's like Williams and DiMaggio all over again! I hope future championships feel hollow because you've grown so accustomed to winning, you attractive and personable young man!

4. The Yankees in general. We all know the history here. But I wish the Yankees would take lessons from a classy franchise like the Celtics. After dominating professional basketball for decades, the Celts have politely stepped aside, with no intention of winning anything at all for the foreseeable future and beyond. They're granting some less fortunate clubs a long-awaited day in the sun. The Yanks were never this gracious.

5. The Mets. Mookie, Buckner ... I need yet another moment. If not for '86, they'd be the lesser of two evils. Sadly, they are no less evil. A (non-Bostonian) friend of mine compares the Subway Series to the presidential race—he dislikes both candidates, but he'll vote for the one he hates less. This analogy works for me if we stipulate that in the past, on separate occasions, each candidate shot at and badly wounded my dog.

6. New York in general. Like a broken clock that's right twice a day, New Yorkers are suddenly correct in their assumption that the nation is watching them. This bothers me. Solace: The ratings will likely suck. Not all of us are watching you, you chumps!

7. The New York Times. This may be worst of all. I've stopped reading it just to avoid inevitable, overblown coverage. Subway Series stories started popping up last week, and the editorial page joined in on Wednesday—can you imagine if this goes seven games? I predict: a delightful "Metro" section piece on the Mets fan ... who works next to a Yankees fan!; a thoughtful Sunday magazine cover on New York's rich baseball history in the American imagination; a cute guest op-ed on baseball bringing the whole city together; and so on and so on and so on until the damn thing mercifully ends. As for the Times "Sports" page, which is already atrocious (fodder for an entirely different but equally bitter Sports Nut), it will soon become offensive. Note to Will Shortz: You'd just better keep it out of the crossword, pal!

All this said, go Mets, I guess. At least you only shot my dog once.

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Seth Stevenson is a frequent contributor to Slate.

COMMENTS

Reader Comments from The Fray:

[Notes from the Fray Editor: I.Zarkov set the tone for a no-prisoners-taken Fray here: "Shoot your dog? Heck no. I run the damn mutt over with my cab!" Then there was Henry Petrow and the subway to hell: "Only 2000 AD and already the century is ruined. An all-NY series, and either Bush or Gore will be president." This wasn't the only political note--some readers were very interested in Hillary Clinton and how she could keep in with both sets of fans. We were concerned that running Megster's post, below, might be seen as irresponsible, an incitement to violence, but then we realized that Slate readers just aren't the rioting kind, so it's all right.

Added later: Slate readers may not be the rioting kind, but they are very talkative, and both featured posts got a huge response. Megster in particular pushed some buttons, and such was the strength of the reaction that she came back into The Fray to reply--below:]

Stevenson is wrong that we New Yorkers are assuming that the nation is watching us. Since we already know we live in the center of the universe, we actually don't care if the rest of the nation is paying attention or not. (In fact, most of us are unaware that there is a rest of the nation, much less a rest of New York State.) You don't wanna watch? Low TV ratings for the series? Doesn't bother us, because we don't care!

And Let's Go Mets!

--Daniel Simon

(To reply, click here .)

The only thing positive about this World Series is the possible destruction of NYC itself. By now it has become ritual--the post-championship riot. Crowds in the winning city drink to celebrate, light a few fires to see their way to the next bar. The crowd in the losing city drowns their sorrows, tips over a few police cars to feel better. What happens when the two crowds mix? Has that ever happened before?

How soon until martial law is declared in NYC?

--Megster

Four days later:
Forgive me, Mets fans. I am going to point this message to Yankees lovers, seeing how they were the most vociferous protesters.

Most of the posts responding to my message accentuated the fact that New York celebrates its victories peacefully. Granted, the Bronx was not enflamed when the Yankees won in 1996, Manhattan is still around after their win in 1998, and Staten Island has not been reduced to rubble after last year. However, because of the opponent, this year might be different.

This year, opposing fans can look you dead in your eyes while complaining about Clemens. They are not some Tomahawk-chopping strangers annoying you on the nightly news. Ask yourself: Will you resist throwing your beer bottle at the guy in the Piazza jersey who cut you off at the subway turnstile? How about after your fourteenth Budweiser? What happens when Mr Mets returns fire?

I asked about riots because this series is an intra-city series, not just because it is happening in New York City. I would have wondered the same question had I been watching the A's vs. the Giants, or the White Sox vs. the Cubs (though I think Chicago's subsequent state of permanent shock might eliminate any possibility of riot).

Thank you, New Yorkers. I had forgotten how placid your city is. Thank you for reminding me about the police force that will keep everyone in line. Thank you for reminding me that your crime is so organized. Thank you for inviting me to cheer for your teams, though I must graciously decline. I hope you all enjoy the series, safe and sound.

To all my fellow New York loathers--I'll bring the marshmallows, you bring the Hershey bars and Graham crackers, okay?

--Megster

(To reply, click here.)

(10/24)

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