"Dr. Demarest's Hell Hole."—Will Vehrs

"The re-creation of Grant's surrender to Strom Thurmond at Appamattox."—Mark Gibbens

" 'The Second Law of Thermodynamics and Why It's All Fucked Up' ride."—Chris Gwaltney

"The baptismal water that performed the greatest miracle of them all: changing Jesus from a Middle Eastern Arab to a white man."—Matthew Stein

"Mr. Lincoln Speaks! (And Is Felled in a Hail of Righteous Gunfire.)"—Tim Carvell

"Audio-animatronic Frederick Douglass and Jefferson Davis singing, 'Why Can't We Be Friends?' "—Salvatore Scafidi

"The 'Thou Shalt Not' roller coaster/fun house: 'You must be this white to ride.' "—Anthony Wright (Tim Lowell had a similar answer.)

"The Hall of Presidents (actually just a room off the control booth at the Segregated Log Flume)."—Brooke Saucier

"The 'We All Look Like Rhett Butler' Hall of Distorting Mirrors."—Floyd Elliot

"I'm not sure of any of the attractions, but may I suggest, as a slogan, 'You'll Wish You Were in Dixie, Hooray!'?"—Tim Carvell

"There's the 'Lincoln, Spy for the Nazis' diorama and dunking booth."—Floyd Elliot

"Slave roundup—how many can you catch?"—Sophie Pollitt-Cohen

" 'The Matter-Horney.' Come on! Not all of the rides can be clever combinations of Disneyland attractions and white supremacist stereotypes. Although, I am looking forward to 'Harriet Tubman's Underground Flume.' "—Jon Hotchkiss

"Put me down as similarly for: miscegenation, but only for heterosexuals older than 14."—KC Bitterman

"Huey Long Oratorical Orbiter."—Will Vehrs

"The David Dukes of Hazzard Bumper Cars."—Sharon Dynek

"The Hall of Inarticulate Presidential Candidates. So far, it's just Bush Jr. and Sr."—Steven Davis

"Mel Tillis IS Gen. Stonewall Jackson!"—Mark Wade

"Dunk tank has been replaced with a family-friendly lynching simulation."—Charles Star

"Strange Fruit Juice drink stands."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Greg Diamond)

"Jefferson Davis' NASCAR entry."—Floyd Elliot

"KKKmart."—Carrie Rickey (similarly, Cliff Schoenberg)

"It's a Small Mind, After All."—Larry Amoros

"Noose Mountain."—Alex Pascover

"IMAX Theaters presents: Jesus—The World's First Klansman?"—Dax Oliver

"The film festival that includes both Birth of the Nation and Bamboozled."—Anthony Wright (similarly, Matt Sullivan, Steven Davis, Alex Pascover, Greg Diamond, and Gary Frazier)

"Actually, none of the attractions will be named. They will provide their mirth under the cloak of anonymity, and in the dead of night."—Tim Carvell

"The auction block. Want to see how much you could get for little Timmy? Strip him down, chain him up, bare his teeth."—Winter Miller

"SouthWorld's Salute to Cotton 'From Black Hands to White Sheets' (TM)."—Nick Smith

"The Living Plantation. Race to see who can pick a basket of cotton first in the toasty glow of an August Sun, but don't let the toothless guy on the horse catch you napping! Then finish the day with a bowl of dinner at one of our refurbished 'Volunteer' shacks."—Scott Mathias

"The 'Shoot First and Hurl Racial Epithets Later' rifle range."—Dave Donovan

"They bought the Matterhorn from Disney, draped it in sheets, converted it to a go-cart track, and called it the Master Race."—Steven Davis

"The 'Hang 'Em High' double-loop lynching ride, next to the David Duke permanent face-painting booth."—Rich Klicki (similarly, Kelly Cosgrove)

"The 'Grand Dragon' roller coaster, so scary it will turn your hair (and the rest of you) white."—Karim Nanji

Self-Reference Corner

"Randy Cohen's Festival of Anti-Southern Cheap Shots and Log Flume Ride."—Jeff Book

"Yeah, yeah … more importantly though, can you provide a mailing address to which bribes can be sent for one of the Top 5 berths of the final quiz? And, is it cash only? Thanks!!"—Deborah Wassertzug

"I'd come up with a witty response, but I really don't need a bunch of burning crosses in my lawn. Especially since I live in an apartment, so my 'lawn' is really more of a Welcome Mat, so I'd end up with the whole complex on fire."—Steve Kiefer

"I just want to make sure all my friends of color out there realize that although Herschend sounds like a Jewish name, it's not."—Alex Pascover

"Note to self: Cancel Election Day helicopter ride with Tim Carvell."—L.K. Peterson

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we hold back our tears at the impending cancellation of this little feature—and don't think we don't have a list of which ones of you little bastards wrote in to complain—and honor the South. Some people may make fun of the South for its disingenuously clutching onto its racist past under the guise of celebrating cherished cultural traditions. Others may make sport of the South for its chicken-fried, heart-attack-on-a-plate cuisine. Still others may jibe at the South because of its devotion to NASCAR, anti-intellectualism, punitive patriarchy enforced by women as well as men, and other signs of overcompensation for masculine anxiety. But those of us who are familiar with that region of the country know that none of this is necessarily—whoops, I see we're out of time."—Greg Diamond