"Put me down as 'similarly' if anybody comes up with something funny about Mary Quant."—Will Vehrs

"Joe Lieberman, about his temporary marriage with Shahla Sherket. 'It didn't count,' the famously moral would-be veep added, 'because we were both on pilgrimage to Mecca at the time.' "—Katha Pollitt

"Bernard Shaw, when challenged by Dick Cheney as to why he didn't ask any hypothetical questions about the brutal rape and murder of either candidate's close family."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Allen Iverson on Run-D.M.C. and their 'clean' rap lyrics."—Brooke Saucier

"SUVs. No, wait, those little scooter things. No, cell phones. Oh, please, please, please, let it be cell phones!"—L.K. Peterson

"Isaac Mizrahi said it to explain why he's now an actor."—David Finkle

"Anne Heche, on why she's no longer a lesbian."—Mark Wade

"Bob Hope, on his remaining among the living."—Adam Bonin

"Shahla Sherkat. Now, she's all about Digimon."—Doug Sheppard

"The AMA on electroshock therapy?"—Charles Clack

"Dubya, about feeding poor children."—Barry Johnson

"Those Icelandic critics didn't stay infatuated with Björk very long, did they?"—Will Vehrs

"Gertrude Stein, but replace 'fashion' with 'there.' "—Deborah Wassertzug

"Nehru. About his jacket. Man was he ever right."—Chris Gwaltney

"Ralph Lauren, about his wife's predilection for blue eye shadow."—Paul Roberts

"Swingin' Dick Cheney, speaking about his brief attempt at a career as a lounge act in Las Vegas, before he finally found big oil."—Elizabeth Gross

"Slobodan Milosevic, on why he's given up the practice of 'ethnic cleansing,' a euphemism for genocide, for 'dignified egress,' a euphemism for running like hell."—Charlie Glassenberg (Matthew Renner had a similar answer.)

"Dubya, about pronouncing big words properly. (Or, as he'd say, PROperbly.)"—Larry Amoros (similarly, Ed Page and Sally Adee; but subliminable advertising, Greg Steffensen; but school vouchers, Jon Delfin; but earth tones, Deborah Guy)

"Shahla Sherkat, complaining about her husband's tie, with the ink not even dry on the sigheh paperwork."—Will Vehrs

"Dan Quayle on Dan Quayle."—David Feige

"The head of the Anti-Defamation League about Joe Lieberman's yiddishkeit."—Carrie Rickey

"C.J. Walker explaining the steroid-based shot-put chalk on the side of his neck."—M.D.C. Bowen

"Alan Greenspan, apparently tired of raising interest rates."—Will Vehrs

"George W. Bush, about his favorite novel, Black Beauty. (He meant 'fiction,' of course.)"—Mark Romoser

"Aybud on treating dyslexia with cocaine."—Kevin Gregg

"George W. Bush, concerning legalized abortion, in a (misguided?) attempt to woo women voters by promoting the anti-abortion position, not as a 'lifestyle choice,' but as a 'fashion statement.' "—Ellis Weiner

Self-Reference Corner

"Francis Heaney, shrugging off the all-too-brief popularity of her Wonder Veil."—Will Vehrs (similarly, Greg Diamond)

"Joe Lieberman, about the cult of Asherah."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Lorraine, about the mattress business."—Barbara Lippert

"I just found out that a lot of women have been saying this about my Hammer pants."—Charles Star

"Goatees. Mine, especially. Thanks for the tip, Mom."—L.K. Peterson

News Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today, kidz—and not just because we have nothing interesting to say about fashion, which makes it close to unanimous—we honor actor Richard Farnsworth, who died last week at age 80. (That, or who is about to sue this venue for gobs of money for my saying so.) Farnsworth was the star of last year's The Straight Story—which is G-rated so you can go see it without your parents' permission even though it has some scary things like riding lawnmowers and Harry Dean Stanton—but the one you really want to see is The Grey Fox. Anyway: Farnsworth played genteel, manly characters who knew violence but suffered in silence. Ironically, by which I may mean unironically, he shot himself to death at home during a painful day of suffering through the terminal stages of cancer. So, kidz, when you think of what makes American great, remember: 1) We don't legally allow assisted suicide; but 2) we do allow lots of private gun ownership so that people can do what they must when the time comes. Unless they have arthritis or something, in which case see No. 1. So, ave atque vale Richard Farnsworth, may you find peace in your rest. Sleep well, kidz, and don't worry, most of you aren't going to die anytime real soon."—Greg Diamond