"Does this blue dress make me look fat?"—Greg Narver

"Mr. President, if Secretaries Reich and Shalala started procreating, would the Earth be threatened by a new race of superintelligent left-wing jockeys?"—Mark Wade

"Since there's no indication of your putting any life back into habeas corpus, will it soon be possible to resurrect people executed of crimes that DNA evidence shows that they did not commit?"—Greg Diamond

"Why was Wen Ho Lee in jail so long?"—Julie Carwile

" 'Mr. President, will your wife say that the two of you make whoopee very often, fairly often, or not often enough?' inquired Bob Eubanks, who for some reason was filling in for Sam Donaldson last week."—Ed Page

"How exactly did you choose your vice president?"—Beth Sherman (Mark Romoser had a similar answer.)

"Mr. President, can you explain why my dog Pepper's new puppies seem to have your eyes?"—Dax Oliver

"Does Playboy's Chyna signify a victory for strong and sexy women or merely set a new standard of falsity by encouraging little girls to take steroids AND get breast implants?"—Matt Sullivan

"Hmmm. I knew there were rumors about Dubya's dyslexia and general lack of mental acuity, but I didn't know the administration had actually sponsored a formal government report."—Greg Diamond

" 'How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?' Goddamned technocrat eggheads."—T.G. Gibbon

"Medicinal marijuana should be mandatory before all politicians appear on Sunday morning talk shows?"—Ian O'Henley

"What explanation does your administration have for the hidden cameras in the Lincoln bedroom?"—Julie Carwile

"If a gymnast can be disqualified from a gold medal for taking cold medicine, how did Arnold Schwarzenegger ever have a government post?"—Anthony Wright

"How can we blind Thomas Dolby, and how can we care for him once we have blinded him?"—Francis Heaney

"Is it true that Chelsea was the result of a test-tube fertilization?"—Brooke Saucier

" 'Will you be president for eight years?' 'All I needed to do was stay alive. I knew that the Republicans didn't have an amiable cipher to run against me. Just crusty seniors. If I were Al I'd be worried,' he added."—Charles Star

"Who put the bomp in the bomp-sh-bomp-sh-bomp; who put the ram in the ramalama-ding-dong?"—Ellis Weiner

"Why banned shot-putter Hunter's iron supplements were being added to Clinton's Wheaties?"—Ian O'Henley

"Mr. President, the American people are wondering, was the White House decision to neuter Buddy just another poll-driven, political ploy intended to shore up the vice president's campaign?"—Dan Visanescu

"Mr. President, have you ever confronted your weight problem?"—Sophie Pollitt-Cohen

Hillary Reference Corner

"How many knishes does Hillary have to eat before she can be considered a bona fide New Yorker?"—Mark Romoser

"How did the administration make Hillary more likable to New York voters?"—Matt Volk

"Yeah, I'm sure Hillary's decision to neuter Bill was 'purely one of science and medicine,' too. (Hey you told us to drain our stock of Clinton gags, Randy.)"—Evan Brady

Agema Thermovision 210 Reference Corner

"Was it appropriate for you to use the Agema Thermovision 210 during that Girl Scout troop's visit to the White House? If so, Sam would like to get one too. I mean the Thermovision. I think."—Steven Davis

"When to use the Agema Thermovision 210 or just send out for pizza instead."—Fred Petrick

Self-Reference Corner

"Just give me a 'similarly' for any other mention of Clinton administration officials' bodily fluids."—Deborah Guy

"Lesseehere ... I'll take one 'similarly' for 'Have you ever smoked marijuana?' and another please for 'Have you had sex with any of your interns?' What? Oh, no ... no fries. Thanks."—Jon Drumwright

"Frankly, I don't give a shit, cause as long as I type the following four words I'll automatically make it into the answer section: björky, quirky, Dr. Demarest, Greg Diamond. See?!? This is so damn easy. I could do this from a hole in Guatemala standing knee-deep in Barbary monkey shit, my hands restrained by some Asiatic-Icelandic imp, and my eyes scratched out by any one of the cast members of Cats."—Doug Wagner

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor RU-486, the little pill that is going to stick in George W. Bush's throat! Yes, kidz, this pill is going to mean that women can have safe early-term abortions in their own homes, even if they live in Nebraska, South Dakota, or Suffolk County. And you know, what with the advances in research on medical applications of fetal tissue, such as treating Parkinson's disease, we're looking at some pretty profitable home business opportunities for the women of America, too! You think the ads for egg donors are heavy-handed now, just wait until these suckers start up: 'You can help put Michael J. Fox back on prime time!' By the way, kidz, if you don't know what an abortion is, don't worry—they're for grown-ups. Someday you'll be old enough."—Greg Diamond

Newz Kwiz for Kidz Kornerer

"I know you are, but what am I?"—Jon Drumwright

Newz Kwiz for Adolescents Korner

"What does happen when you put a cat in the microwave?"—Jon Drumwright

Newz Kwiz for College Students Korner

"You think we could build a bong out of that?"—Jon Drumwright