"Manuel Noriega pointed it at the shah's casket during the funeral, a clear violation of the Panama Convention for Retired Dictators."—Steven Davis

"Look, if this involves a monkey, French or otherwise, I don't want to know anything about it."—Peter Carlin

"Microsoft added it to Windows 2000."—Will Vehrs

"Believe me, 'amorphous hot spots' are more than enough for the over-hormoned teen-age boys making these videos."—Francis Heaney

"NASCAR racers were using it to drive a little faster than they could with Agema Thermovision 209."—Fred Petrick

"The FBI used it to reveal the intimate details of security breaches at Los Alamos National Laboratory, or at least that's what they told the trial judge."—Jon Drumwright

"Tommy Lee used it to locate his ex-wife's purloined implants, in an underground Sotheby's warehouse near Midland, Texas."—David Feige (Steve Gisselbrecht had a similar answer.)

"Is George Lucas still trying to explain why he put Carrie Fisher in a bikini in the third Star Wars movie?"—Steven Davis

"Couples used it to find the secluded 'love nests' in Central Park. Oh, wait, you said amorphous, not amorous."—Anthony Wright

"CBS programming executives used the Thermovision 210 as part of their signal during Big Brother broadcast to try and determine if there were people in the room watching the show or if the set had been left on to keep the dog company."—Chuck Pennscott

"Someplace in the Olympic Village all those free condoms are getting put to use, and damned if Bob Costas wasn't going to find out exactly where."—Steve Bodow

"Will Dr. Demarest stop at nothing to expose the seamy side of Mayan life?"—Will Vehrs

"Agema Inc. quietly substituted its Thermovision 210 for those tiny, white, three-legged tables that are supposed to keep the cheese from sticking to the top of the pizza box."—Joan Bernecky

"Charlie Sheen tried to use the AT210 to find out which girls weren't wearing underwear at L.A. raves."—Brooke Saucier (similarly, but Justice Thomas scans for panties, Mark Shotzberger)

"Does it have anything to do with Chuck Berry and the ladies' room at his restaurant?"—Sharon Dynek

"The New York Times Magazine printed a quote which presumed David Letterman was a 'non-voting Republican.' "—Matt Sullivan

"George W. Bush used it to film yet another of those porno flicks he's backing."—Mark Romoser

"The Rev. Fred Phelps used it to film Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling in the making of his 'documentary,' A Foretaste of Hell: Don't Say You Weren't Warned."—Nick Smith

"Several American police departments have used it to detect concealed attack monkeys."—Charlie Glassenberg

"You mean those X-ray glasses really work?"—David Salzman

"The Gary Bauer campaign finally got its revenge on Dan Savage."—Greg Narver

"Looked into the past to see all the crap Reagan did."—Michael Kimmitt

"Page Six inserted it rectally in bold-face name types in order to track the club-hopping habits of one Leo DiCaprio."—Matt Sullivan

"Gore campaign director Donna Brazile used it at the Democratic convention to film 'The Kiss' in PassionVision (TM)."—Mark Romoser

"Justice Thomas was trying to unscramble the Playboy channel again, I see."—Mark Wade (similarly, Tom Tegtmeyer)

"Hugh Hefner confiscated this from Harry Byrd during a secret fund-raiser at the Playboy Mansion.—Julie Carwile

"Hobbes used Calvin's Thermovision to check out all the cute girls in Calvin's class, but Calvin's teacher didn't believe either the stuffed tiger or the 'amorphous hot spot' excuses."—Rose White

"Motel managers watched the exciting though amorphous hot spot action from behind one way bedroom mirrors."—Dave Scheff

"Molly Ivins used it to spy on the Bush vice-presidential selection process."—Mark Terry

"The Salt Lake City Olympic Committee plans to incorporate the device into its stringent drug testing and gender verification program for 2002, sparking a rash of invasion of privacy suits from those björky and quirky Icelandic princess weightlifters."—Deborah Guy

"Agema Thermovision 210? Isn't that the thing Willy Wonka used to shrink that bratty kid onto the TV screen, or was it used to turn the girl into a blueberry? Shit, maybe it was the bubble machine that almost ground Charlie into a fine paste."—Scott Mathias (similarly Wonkanian, Gary Drevitch)

Self-Reference Corner

"Greg Diamond commandeered and retooled it into an automatic sure-fire answer generator for Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz. Following which, the kidz commandeered it and retooled it into a death ray to use on Diamond."—Deborah Guy

"The brilliant educator, comedian, and Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz rip-off artist, Greg Diamond, demonstrated this technology to the kiddies with ... well, let's just call it 'inappropriate material.' "—Will Vehrs

"Jeez, Randy, why didn't you tell me that Greg Diamond had one of those Russian lasers before you printed my News Kwiz 4 Kidz rip-off? Whatever you do, don't tell him I live in Detroit. Oops! Shit."—Mark Wade

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor the U.S. Supreme Kourt, which begins its new term next Monday! The Supreme Kourt is very important! Well, not so important that your parents can't vote for Ralph Nader if they want to, but it's probably best as a protest vote and then only if they live in a state so lopsided that it's already clear who will get that state's Electoral College votes. But it's still pretty important! Although actually, given the decreasing willingness of the Kourt to grant cert, one's real concern should be over judges at the lower circuit and district court levels, since their decisions are thus more likely to stand. Even cursory analysis of the opinions of judges endorsed by each major party shows substantial ideological differences that can't be explained away by blithe assurances about how Stevens or Souter is relatively liberal (at least in the context of the current court), and it therefore makes no difference which party does the appointing; failing to survey the decisions of the federal judiciary in toto surely reflects specious reasoning. Just compare their opinions! OK, I don't mean for you to do this, kidz. I think it might be better if you just printed out a transcript of this and gave it to your parents. Tell them it's really important. Will you do that for me? Will you? I'm not kidding here."—Greg Diamond