"I don't know, but it sounds like they're describing the new McDonald's Dolphin Happy Meal at Sea World."—Steven Davis

" 'Dear Leader' Kim Jong-il of North Korea, commenting on the 20 grains of rice that kids will be receiving under the country's new progressive anti-starvation program."—Dilan Esper

"Those ads for Sea-Monkeys are sounding just a little bit desperate."—Jay D. Majors

"I knew there'd be trouble as soon as I heard that from now on Sesame Street was going to be sponsored by the letter G, the Number 5, and Nabisco."—Greg Diamond (Fred Petrick had a similar answer.)

"Sinclair Lewis, rat parts in hot dogs."—Steven Kiefer

"Just in time for fall, a new ad campaign for 'Herpes Blisters' is unveiled."—Jon Hotchkiss

"Dubya, who has apparently not grasped the difference between chocolate coins and the new dollars."—Floyd Elliot

"Dubya, about his new plan to declare condemned prisoners a vegetable. The presidential nominee says that not only will this keep his 'execution-a-day' streak alive, it will also save the state of Texas money on those 'useless school-lunch programs.' "—Larry Amoros (similarly involving G.W.'s cold, cold heart, Mark Romoser, Gerry Kaufman, and Ariel Gilbert-Knight)

"Gore said this about dwarfs to a crowd of stunned educators while unveiling his 10-point plan to improve mathematics education and nutrition in public schools."—Vincent Basehart

"Monkeys, but maybe not cute ones, because I'd feel sort of bad eating a really cute monkey, even if I did get to count it first."—Sophie Pollitt-Cohen

"Washington National Zoo management, the new interactive ant farm."—Julie Carwile

"An unidentified gymnastics coach, about those cute little 'vitamin' pills he gives his girls each morning. (And by the way, did you ever notice that if Plácido Domingo were Jewish his name would be Shabbat Shalom?)"—Ken Richman

"Someone needs to tell the children: Yes, Olympic swimmers are mutants, but it would be wrong to eat them. Or, at least expensive."—Steven Davis

"Jonathan Lebed, on selling penny stocks."—Peter Lerangis

"Some Colombian drug lord who is now using colored condoms for his prepubescent cocaine runners."—Mark Wade

"Peter Gatien, about the nutritional and educational value of serving Fruit Loops to minors at Limelight."—Winter Miller

"New breakfast cereal Harrypott-ios."—David Finkle

"By the way, have you heard how Skoal is targeting little children with its new PikaChew? Disgusting."—Evan Brady

"Mattel, 100-count package of Barbie's edible panties."—Julie Carwile

"That damn Heinz lady is back, isn't she?"—Greg Diamond (similarly, Mark Wade)

"Once the Ford-Firestone debacle cools down, perhaps the Consumer Product Safety Commission ought to take another look at Milton Bradley's 'Sugar-Coated Dominoes.' "—Gerry Kaufman

"Bob Dylan, about the magic trees that killed God. Or something like that, I can never make out what the hell that guy is saying."—Francis Heaney

"Al Gore, about his newest invention: a food product with meat between two slices of bread that he proposes to call 'sandwich.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"Dr. Digit, about fingers."—Carrie Rickey (similarly, but Third World only, Nick Smith; but Willy Wonka, Ed Page)

"Eli Lilly and Co. said this about their latest product, New Pokémon (TM)-shaped Chewable Prozac(TB). 'The various Pokémon monsters will have different doses, allowing kids to work on their math skills and enhance their well being by playing the Pokémon Prozac trading game with their friends,' a company spokesperson added."—Alex Ridgway

"Boy, when the Pokémon card market crashes, it really crashes, doesn't it?"—Mark Wade

"I don't think that a bunch of kids saying, 'Yo queiro Taco Bell' after consuming genetically engineered shells is particularly rewarding."—Anthony Wright

"A scientist from Monsanto, about genetically-modified fruit-flavored head lice."—Greg Diamond (similarly, Michael Koehler)

"TimeOut, talking about hipsters in certain sections of Williamsburg, Brooklyn."—John Ushman

"Tough-loving dad Richard Hatch, on the grain couscous."—Beth Sherman

"Don Imus. Those kids on the Imus Ranch sure love their beef."—Chris Gwaltney

"When did M&M's change their name to pi?"—Doug Benning

"Kathie Lee Gifford was referring to the 25 jelly beans a week wage she pays the children who work on her clothing line."—Sharon Dynek (similarly, Ariel Gilbert-Knight)

"Well, I don't think you can really transubstantiate 'N Sync, but anything that gets them eaten by their fans is OK by me. (My daughter's comment on this response: 'Gee, Dad, I hope Social Security is still around when you want to retire.') (Actually, she would have said that, if she knew what Social Security or retirement were; I speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.) (Kind of like Señor Wences, if he weren't dead.)"—Floyd Elliot

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today, kidz, we honor you! Kidz! Isn't that, like, totally self-referential? Practically postmodern? I can tell you're excited! I remember when I was growing up, and kidz were supposed to be seen and not heard! Not like it is today, huh? Now kids are heard so well that they can even write letters to the sponsors of their favorite feature complaining about the host, and get him in deep trouble, huh? OK, I think that's enough honoring for today."—Greg Diamond

Self-Reference Corner

" 'This is the logical next step,' said Greg Diamond, creator of the fabulously successful Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz. 'Kwiz Gems fulfill the clamor from kids and parents for an educational and nutritional supplement to my popular, but so far unprofitable, feature.' "—Will Vehrs (similarly, Fred Petrick and Ariel Gilbert-Knight)