"Damn! How did they find out that my race of cyborg soldier-assassins will have cool glowing laser eyes?"—Floyd Elliot

"Lazy American housewives. So they can make Minute Rice in 10 seconds, and thereby ruin the traditional fun-filled dinner hour."—Larry Amoros

"Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon, to do yet more 'improvements' to Joan's aging eye area."—Julie Carwile

"John Gray will use the lasers in his Vegas musical production of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. They weren't opposed at first, but then they learned that the lasers would be used for special visual effects, not to incinerate the audience, the performers, and John Gray."—Daniel Radosh

"Be used by Ross Perot as a giant pointer after carving a pie chart on the moon."—Ben Kirkup

"The Fuji Blimp is comin' down!"—Alex Pascover

"Separate all the tire treads that haven't yet been separated."—David Finkle

"Science teachers will break the cute inner mouse balloon without damaging the outer balloon."—Daniel Kahn

"Saddam Hussein, who will use the lasers to perform, Friday nights at midnight, 'Yanni Laserium Spectacular' for an awe-struck populace, thus consolidating his grip on power."—Ellis Weiner (Mark Wade had a similar answer, but Pink Floyd.)

"Al Gore will use the lasers to scribble subliminal messages behind George Bush during the debates."—Brooke Saucier

"Madmen who seek to control us all. Bastards."—Chris Gwaltney

"They fear Blofeld will do that thing with the laser where he doesn't expect James Bond to talk—he expects him to die!"—Gary Drevitch (similarly, Scott Perkins)

"Used as weapons to reduce the size of Britney Spears' breasts."—Mark Shotzberger

"KISS fans will shine them in Peter Criss' eyes during concerts."—Peter Durfee

"Bad home decorating could be a thing of the past if Martha Stewart gets hold of those things."—Will Vehrs

"Remove the tattoos from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, destroying a priceless piece of our cultural heritage."—Scott Murphy (similar tattoo removal, but from Gwen Stefani, Mark Shotzberger; from G.W., Fred Petrick)

"U.S. movie screens will never be safe from red dots again."—Doug Benning

"The Chinese government is going to use the lasers to fulfill one of the Revolution's long-term goals—high-quality dentistry for the masses."—Alex Pascover

"Charlton Heston has his eye on 'em for 'wilderness recreation and home defense.' "—Jon Drumwright

"Buchanan will use it to deep-fry Hagalin. With $12.5 million in his sweaty Irish fist, this nut can afford two, maybe three of these bad mothers. I shit thee not. He will use his power for evil not good. Be afraid."—Chris Gwaltney

"They're afraid that the Russians will use the lasers to steal secrets from Los Alamos and give them to the Chinese. Not too bright, surely, but good enough to convince Janet Reno."—Greg Diamond

"That Russian Mafiosi will be able to scope the cut and color of their lust object's panties: Janet Reno."—Carrie Rickey

"They fear that the Dayton, Ohio, planetarium will use the lasers to perform a perpetual laser light show set to Pink Floyd's The Wall."—Ian Mount (similarly, Vincent Basehart; but Led Zeppelin, Gregg Hollande; Björk, Greg Diamond; ravers in general, Mark Romoser; the music from Cats, KC Bitterman)

Olympic Reference Corner

"The other Olympic basketball teams; to blind the U.S. players, thereby giving themselves a chance to actually win."—Mark Romoser

"The Canadians; to vaporize the water in the Olympic swimming pool, thus allowing their track sprinters an even chance to pick up a few medals."—Nick Smith

"Romania; to create more 14-year-old gymnasts."—Beth Sherman

"They fear the Brazilian women's volleyball team will use the lasers to help their 'ladies' pass the IOC's stringent gender verification tests."—Gary Drevitch

"Salt Lake City will use them to make the 2002 Olympic opening ceremonies even more over-the-top."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Michael Doyle, but the Australian closing ceremonies, Kevin Kowalczyk)

"They are worried that I will use them to destroy the next person to use the word 'Thorpedo.' And with good reason."—Charlie Glassenberg

"To guide the Thorpedo! BWAHAHAHAHA!"—Todd Serencha

"The 'Thorpedo' could use laser surgery to look even more freakish and dominating."—Anthony Wright

Ethnic Stereotype Corner

"It's just petty for the United States to keep this technology from Middle Eastern electrolysis salons, where the need is so desperate."—Gary Drevitch

"They fear the Chinese will use the lasers for vision correction, ruining a perfectly serviceable stereotype for cartoonists everywhere."—Evan Brady

Self-Reference Corner

"Adam Bonin will use them to kill off Bob Hope once and for all."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly but life affirming, Mark Wade)

"Drilling the pants off basins?"—David Oakes

"Guatemala fears that a laser light show at Dr. Demarest's hole will make it just another cheesy tourist trap."—Will Vehrs

"Terrorists, to cut the Turkish subway lines, thus bringing 125 years of Mideast progress to a screeching halt."—Julie Carwile (similarly, Mark Wade)

"Sorry, can't answer until I get back from the post office. According to the slip they left me, it's a parcel from a W. Lee in Los Alamos. You know those post office lines; I may be awhile."—Jon Delfin

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today my corporate masters tell me that we are supposed to honor Russia. Well, let's go to it then. OK, honoring Russia. Where do we begin? How about the cuisine? Mmmm, beets and turnips and salted fish. And black bread, they get really excited about black bread. That really tells you something about a country, doesn't it? OK, what's next? They used to be a major Olympic power, that's true. I think we're done. No, my corporate masters are informing me that we need more, more space to fill. They probably want to expand their business and take advantage of the bull market in graft there. So, I'll keep going. Russia, hmm … it's known as the Land of Enchantment, did you know that? And also as the Palmetto State. You know, sometimes I don't think they care what I say here as long as it publicizes whoever my corporate masters want pimped that day. Hey, can you find Russia on a map? Why don't you just go and do that then?"—Greg Diamond