"Naked fun run."—Francis Heaney

"Crack binge."—Daniel Radosh

"Blind date with Lawrence of Arabia."—Chris Kelly

"New roller coaster, even if it is called 'The Blasphemer.' "—Charlie Glassenberg (Steven Davis, Will Vehrs, Edward Simpson, and Steve Menard had similar answers.)

"Circumcised-penis-free subway ride."—David Finkle

"So-called Pilgrimage of Death."—David Feige

"Saint Johnswort."—Joy Nolan

"Woman."—Mary Anne Townsend

"Apartment building that fails to meet local earthquake-resistance standards owing to extensive graft in the construction industry."—Bonnie Resnick (similarly, Jason Ross)

"Mule, this humble yet miraculous offspring of a horse and an ass."—Dan Dickinson

"Fact-finding congressional junket."—Will Vehrs

"Perillo Tour of my homeland."—Whitney Pastorek

"Gay cruise to the ancient temple of IKEA, goddess of civil union."—Katha Pollitt (similarly, Jason Ross)

"Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee."—Greg Diamond

"Reform synagogue."—Adam Bonin

"Sudanese slave pedicab. At $33, they're a bargain. Screw the United Nations."—Mark Wade

"Jihad. 'And since they're giving away balloons, I'm bringing the kids!' he added."—Charles Star (similarly, William C. Altreuter)

"Ford Explorer high-speed racetrack."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Gregg Hollander, Peter Carlin, and Beth Sherman)

"Pub crawl."—Brooke Saucier

"Set of monkey bars."—Francis Heaney

"Trip to the Sudan."—Fred Petrick

"Call me crazy, but riding the new 'Christianizer' still seems like asking for trouble."—Joseph Hawk

"Wal-Mart Super Center Tour. They may be infidels, but they sell an excellent, and cheap, frozen Coke."—Steven Davis

"Larry King Live."—Sam Meyer

"Pony ride. Allah requires, however, that I have a kiddie saddle."—Floyd Elliot

" 'Soul to Soul Tour With Faith Hill and Tim McGraw . I can hear Tim breathe; it's washing over me, and suddenly I'm melting into him,' Canturk gushed."—Joy Nolan

"Book tour to promote Islam for Dummies, Second Edition"—John Tyrrell

" 'Just Crucifixes' store at the Istanbul mall."—Will Vehrs

" 'Escalator to IKEA. Damn, those lutefisk be tasty! And the prices on these Roman blinds? It would surely make Allah blush!' Osman added."—Rich Klicki

"Tour of Kathie Lee sweatshops to really see the callowness of greed."—Anthony Wright

"Animalistic rampage of ethnic slaughter."—Jason Ross

"Roller coaster ride through the Elysian Fields, but this one has way more loop-de-loops than the 1875 version, weeeee, giddy up, get me to Hades."—Sarah M. Balcomb

"Flying carpet. 'It's more of an Arab thing, flying around on a magic carpet, but the Djinn seemed really nice and sold me on one immediately. The part about eating my soul if I missed a payment disturbed me the most,' stated Mr. Canturk."—John Hanson

"Magic-carpet ride. Why don'tcha come with me little girl?"—Mark Wade (all but identically, Whitney Pastorek, John Ushman, and Greg Diamond)

" 'Terrorism manual book-signing tour,' said contributing author Canturk in an opening reception at the new state-of-the-art Istanbul campus of Bin Laden University."—Deborah Guy

"Rock 'n' roll tour—a rousing sing-along to Elton John's 'Tiny Dancer' will guide us through our darkest hour."—Matt Sullivan

"Mechanical Istanbul."—Carrie Rickey (similarly, but Camelian, Julie Carwile)

"Madonna CD. At first, I wasn't into the cowboy hat and the whole come-hither retro-disco thing, but now I think she's a genius who's never gotten her artistic props. She rocks."—Barbara Lippert

Self-Reference Corner

"I don't know, but I'm sure Randy will take this opportunity to inform us in excruciating detail about whatever his Web search on Turkish history produced."—Brian Rosman

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor Turkey! I know, we honored Turkey a little while ago, but it's good that we can do it again today, because Turkey comes in two sections! The Straits of—hey! Pay attention out there! All right: The Straits of Bosporus separate Thrace from Ana—HEY! I said stop screwing around! Oh—OK, you want to be entertained, is that it? OK, here's some information you might like to know. Turks are known for being cannibals. That's right. And they sneak into the United States at night to collect the bodies of kids that they've put to sleep with their special potions, which are found in—that's right, turkey. Go ahead, ask your parents if turkey makes you sleepy, they'll tell you. And, you know, they put turkey into everything these days, even if they call it beef. So, if you wake up some morning tied up in some sort of gummy cocoon thing with a bunch of ravenous Turks waiting to get at you and eat you alive, you'll be OK as long as you know the password. And here's a hint: It's not Thrace!"—Greg Diamond