"Sudanese slaves. They are planning on freeing them, says the group's spokesperson, 'But until then ... well, the house is really a mess, you know?"—Floyd Elliot

"Slaves. Because that kind of bulk purchase drives up prices."—Greg Diamond

"Sudanese slaves. 'We like the whole manumission bit,' said a U.N. spokesperson, 'it's the whole "soylent green" end of things that we feel has got a bit out of hand.' "—Josh Kamensky

"Those damn scooters; Kofi Annan's is still on back order at The Sharper Image."—Mark Wade

"Little silver scooters! And the United Nations was mad because they were all registered in Switzerland, in some phony-baloney tax and liability dodge, instead of in the Sudan. And why is it 'the' Sudan? It's not 'the Switzerland,' is it? It is?"—Ellis Weiner

"Acres of rainforest; it violates Sting's exclusive contract with the United Nations."—Mark Wade

"Autographed copies of Madonna's Music (Brings the World Together) CDs for distribution to Holocaust survivors in lieu of money settlements. The United Nations disapproved because no one there thought of the idea first."—David Finkle

"CSI-bought British peacekeepers held hostage by the West Side Boys. United Nations is disappointed because their best peacekeepers are working 24/seven in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, Geneva division."—David and Lorna Plug

"Rifles. The United Nations is upset about government forces secretly receiving the $500 guns from the United Nations and then selling them straight away to CSI. Crap, that's not the right answer, is it?"—Brooke Saucier

"Why does the United Nations have to stick its nose into every dispute between the Gideons and Christian Solidarity? The Sudanese were using those Bibles for ... well, never mind."—Will Vehrs

"Votes for U.S. president, from voteauction.com, which was recently relocated to Sudan."—Eric Weber

"Fifteen more houses on Park Place. The United Nations is still pissed because dammit, THEY wanted to be the shoe."—Whitney Pastorek

"Mayan artifacts, cleverly smuggled to Sudan by the United Nations' most wanted trespasser, Dr. Arthur Demarest of Vanderbilt University."—Will Vehrs

"They purchased indulgences. U.N. member-state the Vatican protested that the Catholic Church was the only route to salvation and that the indulgences purchased by Christian Solidarity International were 'defective.' "—Dilan Esper

"Souvenir voodoo dolls of Kofi Annan. This would not normally bother the United Nations, as a constantly twitching and yelping secretary-general can be quite amusing, but his tendency to burst into flame is just too much of a fire hazard."—Francis Heaney

"Cheap-seat tickets to the Sydney Olympics—'Like taking candy from a baby,' said a group representative."—Julie Carwile

"So that's where all the oil is going. Goddamn eternal flames."—Francis Heaney

"They bought barrels of oil, basically to flaunt their wealth at France and Britain. 'That's just rude,' said Kofi Annan."—Anthony Wright

"Barrels of crude. The U.N. guys didn't like the 'Boil the non-neutrals in oil' paragraph in the Swiss manifesto."—Ian O'Henley

"Thirty-three dollars? Must be either barrels of oil or shares of Amazon.com stock."—Thomas Weiner

"Sets of Pokémon cards. The United Nations is disappointed because Pokémon is 'so over.' 'They may as well have bought POGS,' added Secretary General Annan."—Charles Star (similarly, Mark Shotzberger, Chris Gwaltney)

"Sudan ... hmm ... let's see, what do they have a lot of? Sand! Christian Solidarity was buying sand grains for $33 each in an attempt to build the world's most expensive desert. With 38,000 grains they had just over three teaspoons of sand. The United Nations disapproved because it thought the money could be better spent (Yemeni sand is only $5/grain, and Iraqi sand $2, but sanctions and all, you know)."—Jay Austin

"Bulgarian wrestlers. Switzerland was admonished because it already has six or seven Bulgarian wrestlers on its Olympic team, and Sudan needs all the help it can get."—Josh Kamensky

"Copies of the latest 'Left Behind' novel, but they could have had them for half that if they'd used Kofi's Sam's Club card."—Kevin Guilfoile

"Sudanese Army knives. Motto: 'It takes a sandstorm and keeps on whittling.' "—Steven Davis

"They bought Star Trek memorabilia. The United Nations disapproves because it sees the Federation as competition."—Fred Petrick

"Put me down as 'similarly' for anything pertaining to nubile Nubian nymphs."—Will Vehrs

"Britney Spears dolls. Quoth the United Nations, 'The Britneys in flesh-colored bikinis are already gone. They're on eBay for $80!' "—Doug Benning

"Souls of native villagers. While soul-harvesting is officially frowned upon by the United Nations, Christian Solidarity International figures say they have just enough to saved up to buy off Satan and get Dubya elected. 'Yep, we snookered one of them chiefs into a "Buy Three, Get One Free" deal, and after that, why, it was like taking Manhattan from the Indians,' a CSI 'Brother of Heavenly Commerce' was heard to say."—Seth Grossman (David Salzman and Chari Govindarajan had similar answers)

Self-Reference Corner

"Hey, who you calling a 'Middle-Aged Pervert'? I`ll have you know I turned 60 on May 7."—Kurt E Irwin

"Is there a no-Humpy zone? No? Great!! The answer is Humpys ... or maybe Chess-Playing Humpys. It's not F-18B's, though, God knows, we sure need 'em, but the Sudanese don't."—Dave Scheff

"That's a good question. Why DID the United Nations disapprove, Colleen Werthmann?"—Daniel Radosh

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor the Olympics! Did you see the opening ceremonies where that little girl suddenly shot 80 feet into the air? Did you know that that sometimes happens to little boys and girls? It's true, but it's not usually on television. Isn't she lucky she wasn't inside? She would have been smashed to death on the ceiling! So when your mom and dad tell you to go play outside, you should listen to them, because maybe they know that something like that is about to happen to you! Sweet dreemz, kidz!"—Greg Diamond