"Son, that's Mr. Chen Po-pu or Coach Chen Po-pu to you."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Roast marshmallows over the Olympic torch."—Mark Wade

"Stand outside the Today show's Sydney studio and flash his breasts."—Dennis Cass

"Proclaim himself to be 'sick to death of this endless opening ceremony.' "—Tim Carvell

"Clean and jerk an aborigine."—Stuart Wade (Mark Wade had a similar answer, but a kangaroo.)

"Set a new world record, appear on the cover of Newsweek ('Here Come the Taiwanese Weightlifters!'), shed a touching tear at the closing ceremonies, compete in obscure 'world' events nobody watches, retire to be a 'greeter' at a Taiwan floating casino, and die unexpectedly of a heart attack in a hot tub in the presence of two nubile 'fans.' "—Ellis Weiner

"Accidentally sit on a U.S. gymnast."—Adam Bonin

"Get a colonoscopy from Katie Couric."—Gary Drevitch

"He asked for a Pepsi from an Olympic Village vendor. He has been sternly reprimanded."—Eric Berlin

"Be immortalized by Leroy Nieman. But this isn't as good as it sounds, because now his soul is captured for eternity in a vial in Mr. Nieman's attic."—Greg Diamond

"I have no idea, but it really, really bothered Myles Brand."—Peter Lerangis (similarly, Mark Wade and Will Vehrs)

"Test positive for Altoids. Man, the IOC is strict with its 'banned substances.' "—Mark Wade

"Defect to mainland China. Steroids really screw up your critical thinking skills."—Steven Davis (similarly, Peter Partheymuller, Greg Diamond, and Edward Simpson)

"Get hopped up on meth, and go on a killing spree. Which is an exhibition sport this year. God bless you Charlton Heston, wherever you are."—T.G. Gibbon

"Sign an agreement to work on a fish-market loading dock back home after soaking up a timeless moment of Olympic glory."—Gary Drevitch

"Steal Australian nuclear secrets, and pass them to the Chinese government. Because, you know, China and Taiwan are such close allies."—Alex Pascover

"Beg Chelsea Clinton to dump that pimply faced Stanford boy and give Taiwanese lovin' a try."—Brad Hammill (similarly, Greg Diamond and Will Vehrs)

"Offer Juan Antonio Samaranch a hip-replacement operation and a full-size French poodle for a gold medal. 'I heard you guys go in for this sort of thing,' he did not add."—Philip Mahoney

"Shake Fidel Castro's hand and subsequently lose my vote."—Gary Drevitch

"Get fired from Los Alamos National Laboratory."—Jason Ross

"The dingos got 'im."—Kathy Kreutzer (similarly, Jim Stallard)

"Grow weary of Australian-accent jokes. G'day."—Evan Cornog

"To be savagely mauled by a koala. Yeah, you don't see that in the brochures, but it happens all the time according to my older brother."—T.G. Gibbon

"Introduce a devastating invasive new species of plant or animal to the Australian continent."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Suffer a massive anxiety attack about falling off the bottom of the world, oh God, help me, I'm falling!"—Whitney Pastorek

"Drink too much Foster's and barf. Those Chinese just have no experience with Western ways."—Jon Snow (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg, K. Whitesel, and Ian Mount)

"Win a bar bet over who could toss a kangaroo the farthest. Moral: Don't fuck with weightlifters."—Rose White

"Get lucky in the Olympic Village hot tub."—Brooke Saucier

"Fall in a hole and find nothing more interesting than an angry marsupial."—Will Vehrs

"Score with Marion Jones."—Francis Heaney

"Ask Gloria Steinem out on a date."—Ian O'Henley

"He was the first to 'do a Brandi Chastain' ... or was that 'to do Brandi Chastain'?"—Deborah Guy

"Attend an R-rated movie without his parent."—Will Vehrs

"Win a silver medal. In the Sydney-area McDonald's 'Go for the Gold!' sweepstakes. (Silver-medal winners are entitled to their choice of a large fries or two hash browns.)"—Alex Pascover

"Have his/her name ridiculed by News Quizzers. Po-pu Po-pu ha ha ha!"—Barbara Lippert (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg, Mark Wade, Sharon Dynek, and Jon Drumwright)

"Have a special Olympic platter named after him."—David Feige (similarly, David Finkle, Carrie Rickie, Fred Petrick, David Gilison, and Francis Heaney)

Self-Reference Corner

"Response to 'Youth (and Jon Delfin) Wants To Know Extra': I believe Mr. Delfin heard wrong. G.W. did not say 'sublimible advertising.' He said 'subliminable.' Twice."—Peter Lerangis

News Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"I'm sorry, kidz, we're not honoring anyone today, because I'm feeling sort of sad. It's these congressional hearings. I feel bad when people complain that 'News Kwiz 4 Kidz' isn't suitable for children. Is that fair? Should we have to change what we write just because one of you kidz might read this column and find out where babies come from? Or how much fun it is to pretend to make babies? Or how you can actually start pretending to make babies much sooner than your parents will admit? Or how media portrayals might have influenced the ways Lynne Cheney is willing to pretend to make babies with her husband, Dick? And as for saying that we're 'targeting' kidz, I don't think it's fair to assume that just because this is called '4 Kidz,' any kidz are actually reading it. I think we should be able to assume that it's just being read by college-aged to middle-aged male perverts, just like the rest of the Web. And if Congress doesn't like it, they can go pretend to make babies with themselves."—Greg Diamond