" 'Heh-heh,' thought the old amusement park groundskeeper, 'no one will ever know it's me terrorizing the Spook-o-Rama from behind this incredibly realistic ogre mask! My reign of terror will continue for—oh, crap! Here comes Myles Brand, those damn kids, and their snooping dog! I'm ruined!' "—Whitney Pastorek

"Oh, will that Godzilla never learn?"—Alex Pascover

"An athlete (you fill in the blank) using drugs, beating up girlfriends, driving under the influence. Mr. Brand, as Grand Pooh-Bah of Sports, granted the player immunity after requiring a one-day suspension from play."—Julie Carwile

"Coach Bobby Knight, refusing for yet another semester to grasp the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, so he flunks Linguistics 101, AGAIN. Guess who's not going to Disneyland."—Deborah Wassertzug

"Doesn't like being called 'Knight,' huh? Howzabout 'dickhead'?"—Alex Pascover

"Seeing as Knight was doing this stuff back when I was an IU undergrad, I'd guess 'turned a blind eye for 20 years' might be what he did."—Jon Snow

"His coach choked a player. He brought his team leather turtlenecks."—David Finkle

" 'You know, it's one thing to hit a student,' said Brand. 'But when Mr. Knight wrote a 'Lives' piece for the New York Times Magazine about how nice it felt to do so, then I knew it was time for him to go.' "—Josh Kamensky

"You know, just about every woman in creation has said this about her man, but most of them don't get a university president to enforce quality control."—Steven Davis

"Dennis Miller told another penis joke on Monday Night Football; Brand clicked over to WWF Raw Is War."—Mark Romoser

"Nobody engaged in any bad behavior, and tonight me and the boys are paying Mr. Brand a little 'visit,' man."—Daniel Krause

"Saddam Hussein, so Mr. Brand nuked Baghdad—No! Wait!—We're probably talking someone really really terribly evil here—so just forget that answer."—John Tyrrell

"Lay off W., wouldja? I mean, it's not like he called Mickey Kaus an asshole or nothin'."—Josh Kamensky

"Richard 'Call Me Dick' Cheney just kept refusing those stock options; Mr. Brand now has to put the money in one of those inconvenient 'blind trusts' just like George H.W. Bush had … wink, wink."—Steve Reiness

"Dick Cheney, after repeated warnings, is still advising G.W. Bush. Mr. Brand set up a live, three-hour, commercial-free debate in which G.W. must participate, against Cheney's better judgment."—Julie Carwile

"Although he had seemed like the perfect casting choice, Robert Downey Jr. proved too unreliable for the part of young George W. Bush in the USA network's made for TV movie Fortunate Son: A Political Legacy. Brand then offered the role to Macaulay Culkin."—Terry Brown

"O.J. Simpson. Mr. Brand then blocked the university's AskOJ access."—Stephen Borchert

"Myles Brand Jr. made a bong in shop class. Brand Sr. responded by growing even colder, withholding the love the boy so deeply craved."—Jason Ross

"Bobby Knight repeatedly engaged in chair-throwing while failing to bring enough chairs for everyone in the class. Mr. Brand was forced to make Mr. Knight stand in the corner. Of another university."—Raymond Chen

"I don't have the whole thing worked out here, but I bet you could come up with a good one about Yosemite Sam."—Alex Pascover

"Myles Jr. has no TV privileges for a week, and that should teach him to sing, 'Hail to the Victors' in front of the visiting alumni."—Charles Star

"Mr. Brand is the one who shot Buck, the last of West Africa's Miss Waldron's red colobus monkeys, which were declared extinct this week. As for the bad behavior, well, there's a reason that Miss Waldron never felt the need to marry."—Greg Diamond

"I'm sorry, but Myles has just got to let Andy Dick be Andy Dick."—Adam Bonin

"Ricky Martin refused to stop shakin' his bon-bon, so we turned him into a CPA."—Melinda Manning

" 'That rascal Rudy Giuliani has once again failed to behave like a decent Republican,' said Miles. 'The other boys and I cornered him in the locker room and swatted him properly. My God, Grandpa Popsy would be mortified.' "—Philip Mahoney

"Mel Gibson wanted to change the Japs to Brits in Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor; casting director Brand replaced him with Alec Baldwin."—Matt Sullivan

"Rip Taylor. Took away his confetti."—Stuart Wade (Indiana University Class of 1986)

"The quotes are from a speech in which Mr. Brand excoriates God for allowing suffering to exist in the world far beyond the ability of moral philosophy to comprehend or justify. Frankly, what can one do for an encore after that? His eyes popped out of his skull, green flames shot out of his ass, and he spontaneously burned into a pile of ashes in front of a screaming audience. Boy, what I wouldn't pay to see that again!"—Greg Diamond

"Given that Woody Hayes still hasn't apologized to Clemson's Charlie Baumann, Ohio State University President Myles Brand had no choice but to dig him up and fire him again."—Mark Wade

Self-Reference Corner

"Is the Eggers-free zone invoked?"—Deborah Wassertzug

"I sure hope that Mr. Brand is the manager of our local Taco Bell. My wife, Mary, is vegetarian and orders her taco salads with double bean and no meat, and those punks fuck it up every time."—Mark Wade

"A certain Dr. Demarest was wasting time digging around in Guatemala. So Brand fired him (as it turns out) the same day that Demarest fell in a hole."—Steven Davis

"Microsoft released another pointless, bug-riddled update to Windows. Mr. Brand gave Bill Gates one hundred bazillion dollars. Oh, and oddly enough, your eternal soul, Randy."—Evan Brady

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor the art of coaching! Being good at sports is how you become a man, and a coach is someone who helps you do your best in a sport. Partly this is teaching players how to play the game—but frankly, that is overrated! A good coach can make players feel very bad if they don't do their best. Very, very bad. Bad enough so that they would do almost anything not to disappoint the coach! Bad enough that, between the bloodlust to win and the frustration of failure, players may go home after a loss, get drunk, and beat the living crap out of their girlfriends! But don't think that this has anything to do with repressed homosexual desires, because that hasn't been proved!"—Greg Diamond

Greg Diamond Reference Corner

"Greg Diamond's shocking use of profanity in the last Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz prompted Brand to institute a 'I really mean it this time' behavior policy."—Pete Miesel

"Greg Diamond, and judging by the last few Kwiz 4 Kidz answers, 'bad behavior' is the new metaphor for increasing insanity. From what I hear, Mr. Brand's response was to back away slowly, talking in a very calm, very slow way."—Matthew Renner

"Greg Diamond, Newz Quiz 4 Kidz Korner regular and child-intellect molester, harangued the young readers one too many times. Myles Brand, Randy Cohen's spiritual adviser, had the unpleasant task of informing Mr. Kinsley that he had six months to clean that column up or face the wrath of the Gore-Lieberman Hollywood jihad."—Will Vehrs

"MSN, Slate, and Greg Diamond continue to market violent, ERISA-driven vengeance fantasies to children through their innocuously titled 'Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz' feature, Mr. Brand reported to delight of state attorneys general everywhere. 'Someone should sue their collective ass!' he did not add."—Jon Drumwright