"There's No Such Thing as Luck in Archeology."—Will Vehrs

"Titles, shmitles, Cats' on Broadway has finally closed. Let us rejoice."—L.K. Peterson

"Who Moved My Cheese? While waiting to be rescued, Demarest found his cheese in his backpack."—Thomas Weiner

"The Seven Habits of Highly Effective-at-Not-Falling-Into-Holes People."—Josh Kamensky

"Broken Ankles: An Appreciation."—Mike Gerber

"How To Keep Your Balance Anytime, Anywhere."—Fred Petrick

"Watch Your Step: How To Avoid Falling Into a Hole in the Jungles of Guatemala."—Katha Pollitt (Ben Kirkup and Doug Benning had similar answers.)

"There Are No More Big Holes."—David Goldberg

"Guatemala: Land Without Holes."—Ellis Weiner and L.K. Peterson (similarly, Mark Romoser, Bruce Kent, John Tyrrell, Dave Scheff, Matthew Lindland, and Andrea Schmeichel)

"There Are No Holes in Guatemala: A History of the United Fruit Company's Constant Wisdom and Truth."—Ken Tucker (similarly, Jon Delfin and Josh Kamensky)

"Guatemala: World's Safest Tourist Destination."—Francis Heaney

"I wish I could go to Guatemala."—Sophie Pollitt-Cohen

"My Wasted Life in the Guatemalan Jungles."—Mark Wade

"Guatemala: Nothing To Be Found There."—Chris Gwaltney

"Why Jimmy Hoffa Will Never Be Found."—Mark Romoser (similarly, Toph Whitmore)

"Gravity: What a Crock of Shit."—Floyd Elliot

"The Book of Mormon, but you guys should verify your sources because Dr. Demarest was shit-canned at BYU for just this sort of thing."—Dan Dickinson

"While recovering from injuries caused by his fall, Dr. Demarest had a lot of time to watch daytime TV. Within a week, he realized that he would have to make major changes to his new book, Soap Operas and Other Wholesome Family Fare."—Fred Petrick

"Brain Surgery for Dummies."—Jon Hotchkiss

"The End of History."—Evan "Just Shilling for My Discipline" Cornog

"Milli Vanilli: Best Band Ever."—Francis Heaney

"Exonerating Oliver North Exonerated, or Ollie, Ollie in Free."—David Finkle

"About Smoking Guatemalan Crack, the Only Way To Find a Wonderland in Guatemala."—Rob Young

"Complete Guide to the Holes of Guatemala, by Albert Hall."—Rose White (similarly, Angus MacDonald)

"Digging to China, Missile-Defense Systems, and Other Scientific Impossibilities."—Anthony Wright

"Collapse, Transition, and Transformation: New Views of the End of the Classic Period in the Maya Lowlands."—John J Hughes

"I've Never Fallen Into a Hole in Guatemala. I mean really, what were the odds?!"—Sharon Dynek

"Dr. Demarest's book was previously called Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The real question is, why do Scholastic's copyright infringement people feel the need to use tiger traps?"—Josh Kamensky

"Another of the 20^th Century's Greatest Diplomatic Mysteries: The Crash of Ron Brown's Plane."—Peter Partheymuller

"Things Not Found in Guatemalan Holes, by Dr. Arthur Demarest. Actually rather obscene sounding."—Jay Austin

"Who Moved My Ancient Mayan Marketplace?"—Peter Carlin

Self-Reference Corner

"The Establishment and Enforcement of the Mayan Penis-Free Zone."—Mark Wade (similarly, Will Vehrs)

Newz Quiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor Vanderbilt University. No—maybe Guatemala? Oh, to hell with it. Today we honor contract workers! Do you know that some people work hard at jobs like mine, but they don't get any dental insurance, when all the regular employees do? Do you think that's fair, kidz? Do you know what it's like when you have an abscess, and you can't go to the freaking dentist? Don't you think that that would affect your ability to write a little bit? Don't you think that's a little shortsighted of employers who say that they care about your creativity and expect you to meet a freaking deadline even though your freaking mouth is throbbing? Do you think that's smart of the bastards who won't give people like me dental insurance, kidz? DO YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA? DO YOU, GODAMMIT?"—Greg Diamond