"Esos Muchachos Malditos del Backstreet."—Sophie Pollitt-Cohen

"Bill Dana's new comeback tour, 'Jose Jimenez: Bigger and Browner!' "—Ken Tucker

"The nuclear missiles we have aimed at the heart of downtown Cabo San Lucas."—Floyd Elliot

"Your country's ceaseless demand for illegal drugs—just when do we get a taste, anyway?"—Dave Donovan (Doug Welty had a similar answer.)

"That annoying Rio Grande."—Mark Wade

"Texas."—Floyd Elliot, Mark Romoser, Mark Shotzberger, Sean Carman, TG Gibbon, and Beth Sherman

"California!!"—Julie Carwile

"Pete Wilson."—Will Vehrs

"Canada."—Rick Goldfarb, Bob Barnes, and Lake Polan

"France. Well, OK, maybe not, but what's the harm?"—Doug Ingram

"OK, I read the story, but I still can't figure out what Fox has against Ohio."—Greg Diamond

"Capitalism."—David Feige

"Wages."—Neal Pollack

"America's scorn of Cantinflas."—Richard Panek

"Selena impersonators."—Larry Amoros

"Pat Buchanan's political movement. Oh wait, already done."—Charlie Glassenberg (similarly, Carl Dietrich, Jeff Bendix, Fred Petrick, Colin Rafferty, and Anthony Wright)

"Tijuana."—David Finkle

"Chiclets."—Steve Spencer

"Charro."—Jon Hotchkiss

"The last 150 years of hostility and mistrust. Oh, and that bumblebee guy from The Simpsons."—Jay D. Majors

"Anglos. All the fucking Anglos."—Michael J. Basial

"Drunken frat boys on spring break in Cancún (or else in the White House; he wasn't too clear on that)."—Mark Romoser

"The Gadsden Purchase. 'Look, you can have your 10 million back,' said Fox. 'We just want the land. You don't need it—it's all on fire anyway.' "—Colin Rafferty

"The myth that Texas is part of the United States. That would make W. the governor of Tejas, and ... you know the rest."——Carrie Rickey

"Badges! We don't need no stinkin' badges!"—Jonathan Russell

"Salma Hayek's selfish need to wear clothes."—Francis Heaney

"Clinton's constant requests to party with Salma Hayek. Sorry, nothing to differentiate me from the similarlies on this one."—Daniel Kahn

"This ridiculous notion that marital infidelity is so objectionable."—Julie Carwile

"George W. Bush's pretending to speak Spanish. All he really does is swear and offer to give blow jobs to men in the audience. Then again, maybe he meant it."—Steven Davis

"Yo no sé, pero creo que las leyes que dicen 'inglés es el idioma oficial de los Estados Unidos' no son buenas para las relaciones entre este país y Mexico." —Anthony Wright

"All known surviving copies of 'a k a Pablo.' "—TG Gibbon

"And so, the Taco Bell Chihuahua was fired."—Mark Wade (similarly, Floyd Elliot, Charles Star, Mark Romoser, Helene Shulman, Julie Carwile, Sharon Dynek, Dilan Esper, Neal Sheeran, Ken Owen, Charlie Glassenberg, Tim Carvell, Paul Frellick, and Beth Sherman)

"Mississippi riverboat casinos, which Fox described as 'tacky, chintzy floating hotels that provide neither rest nor solace; permanently moored, artificial and utterly inoperable icons of a mythical past, embodying all the soulnessness of Las Vegas without even its superficial allure; degenerate, listless barges of cheap enticement, shallow sentiment, moral deprivation and financial ruin; all that is wrong with America; the last, desperate economic gasp of a morally and imaginatively bankrupt nation; a stain on the memory of Mark Twain and the integrity of American riverboat history and culture; smoke-filled, airless, claustrophobic caverns of annoyance and distraction; the cheap locus of a fraudulent scheme founded on a cynical and dishonest promise to those most vulnerable to its empty charms,' he just kept going on like this, climbing to ever greater rhetorical heights, until an aide calmed him down. It was really something."—Sean Carman

Self-Reference Corner

"The penis-free zone."—Charlie Glassenberg

"The no Mexican penis zone."—Will Vehrs

NewzKwiz for Peepul Hoo Spel Fonetiklee Kornehr

"Stoopid Inglish speling roolz."—Francis Heaney

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor our friends south of the border in sunny Mexico! Mexico borders two of our largest states, California and Texas, and many people from there visit Mexico a lot! About a decade ago, a little guy running for governor of Texas talked about how when he was young he and some friends of his used to always go across the border to visit Mexican prostitutes. He lost the election partly as a result, but at least he knew more about foreign relations than the current governor of Texas! Ha-ha! OK, you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you, kidz? You know, before this job, I used to be a real journalist."—Greg Diamond