"Nevins plans to use the Times' secret formula for its mysteriously salacious lingerie and underwear ads to produce fall campaign spots for George Bush and Dick Cheney."—Sean Carman

"He's figured out precisely which five minutes of 'E! Entertainment Television' Maureen Dowd watches late at night to glean her dozen or so pop-culture references for the next day's column, and placed his ads accordingly. Hence, tomorrow's 'Liberties' column, which will liken the presidential race to 'Gangs of New York,' Michael Crichton's Timeline, and some new book by the founder of Amway."—Tim Carvell

"It has something to do with the Sunday Times crossword puzzle and an evil plot to overthrow Merriam-Webster. If I tell you any more, I'll have to kill you."—Sharon Dynek (Tim Carvell and Gary Frazier had similar answers.)

"At last we know how to determine what news is fit to print."—Jon Delfin (similarly, Doug Welty, John Foster, and Kathy Whitesel)

"You have to be this high to purchase the Sunday edition ... and sign a hernia waiver."—Ian O'Henley

"I'm not sure but I know it's a nine-letter word for 'Gin rickey, et al.' "—TG Gibbon

"Providing Rudy with just a tad more mental acuity and physical prowess, allowing him to keep his hand on the treasured immunity idol totem pole just a few minutes longer, which would definitely propel him to victory in Survivor 2."—Marc Spisto

"Subliminally convincing New Yorkers that they actually want Chinese food sometimes at 3 in the morning."—Michael Christie

"He's trying to impress potential dates by constantly mentioning his authorship of the phrase 'nattering nabobs of negativism.' "—Francis Heaney

"Launched a parallel universe Web site, nytimes.org, of indeterminate purpose, but under intense pressure, has pulled the plug (cf mcsomethings.org)."—Deborah Wassertzug

"Determining the length of obituaries. The formula is based on proximity to NYC, level of celebrity, cause of death, and somberness of accompanying photo. Bob Hope rates 96 inches."—Adam Bonin

"Finding the wedding date of every Harvard graduate throughout the world."—Scott Mathias (similarly, Anthony Wright and TG Gibbon)

"Ovitz has taken the points system used for analyzing the education and work background to qualify for the wedding announcements page to break up Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche. Ellen will soon announce her engagement to Princeton's Brooke Shields."—Charles Star

"He is trying to repackage the fall Fox schedule as 'The Sitcoms of Record.' "—Charlie Glassenberg

"Creating a new remote control that makes the WWF and Saved by the Bell seem highbrow by oozing newsprint onto your fingers whenever you put on the USA Network."—Michael Harwayne

"He's cracked the code to devising the infamous New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle. And he'll use this secret formula to finally figure out what the hell Naked Lunch is about."—Sharon Dynek

"I'm sorry, I just can't concentrate on anything other than trying to get the phrase 'fat naked fag' out of my head."—Jon Zerolnick

"Codifying the DNA differences between Punch Sulzburger and Pinch Sulzberger."—David Finkle

"Nevins is using the paper's secret formula for writing noncommittal masthead editorials to develop a new lineup of network TV news shows."—Sean Carman

"Finally, someone else has the secret formula to cause Renata Adler to reveal her sources on the mob connections of Judge John Sirica."—Gary Frazier

"Hmm, a 'popular' feature of the NYT? Got me!"—Julie Carwile (similarly, TG Gibbon)

"It's the secret sauce in the NYT cafeteria that allows them to vary Frank Rich's output from 'cranky' to 'extra-cranky' to 'Rosenthal-esque.' "—Adam Bonin

"He's cloning a new Maureen Dowd! The horror, the horror!"—Arthur Stock

"Professor Nevins believes the crew of the CSS Hunley is communicating with him through the crossword puzzle."—Dan Dickinson

"From now on, all of Ovitz's press releases will have that patented Howell Raines 'sanctimonious prick' feel."—Alex Balk

"I didn't really think that 'Times New Roman' was all that much of a secret, frankly."—Jon Zerolnick

"The new title for the editorial page is going to be 'The Magic Kingdom,' but if sued they are prepared to accept 'Mousketeer's Musings.' "—Ian O'Henley

"Special cop-issue $100s that leave ink stains on your fingers. And have a crossword puzzle."—Jonathan E. Snow

"Parchment paper wrap the fish at Ducasse. Maureen Dowd adds that papier piquant touch."—Carrie Rickey

"To create a special ink that rubs off only on Michael Eisner's hands."—Mark Romoser (similarly, Sean Carman and Evan Brady)

"He is now overusing the words 'aerie' and 'erse' outside of the Sunday puzzle."—Charlie Glassenberg

"The NYT's crossword puzzle gets harder as the week goes on. Nevins is proposing to make TV programming more intellectually difficult as the week progresses, with the brainiest stuff on Saturday nights, when no one watches television anyway."—Rose White

"When simmered for 20 minutes over a low flame, the Sunday magazine makes a delicious main dish! Next Sunday: Kung Pao chicken flavor!"—Fred Petrick

"The secret formula used in the Times ink, which clouds the minds of their readers to actually believe that New York City is a great place to live!"—Mark Shotzberger

"Nevins? Myrmidon? I could have sworn he was a thrall. Anyhow he has worked his way up to Majordomo by now."—Al Cloutier

Self-Reference Corner

"I'm not sure—all's I know is, starting this Sunday, the Los Angeles Times' Sunday magazine is going to start running a new column, 'The Moralist,' by Mike Ovitz."—Tim Carvell (similarly, Mark Wade and Francis Heaney)

"Put me down as a 'similarly' on any responses viciously lampooning 'The Ethicist.' Wait, no, don't—only kidding!"—Greg Diamond (similarly, Anthony Wright)

NewzKwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor secrets! You may think that secrets are a bad thing, but they're not. We all have secrets. You do, too! Can't you think of something no one else knows about you, but if they did, they'd all make fun of you? Sure you can! And how would you feel then, with everyone pointing at you and whispering and looking away when you looked at them? You'd feel pretty bad! We should respect other people's secrets and not make fun of people when their secrets come out. And that is why, if you ever meet the president, you should never ever mention the words 'oral-anal contact.' "—Greg Diamond