"Longer lives being lived better—oh, wait, I thought I deleted that."—Peter Lerangis

"Breast implants. Whooops!"—Greg Diamond

"My pledge to not play 'Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow' at public events. Ever."—Michael Maiello

"My other three children's solemn vow to marry Jews, as their older sister did."—Larry Amoros

"My daughter's presidency from 2020-2028."—Paul Tullis

" 'Jesus Christ.' 'Unfortunately, my running mate is not one of them,' he did not add."—Dilan Esper

"The Judeo-Christian tradition, with its family values and everything."—Ellis Weiner

"Cedric the Entertainer and all the Kings of Comedy. They're so right! White people DO talk funny."—Jon Hotchkiss

"Lowered standards."—Francis Heaney

"My defeat by George W. Bush."—David Finkle (Steven Davis had a similar answer.)

"Pauly Shore, my secretary of FUN!"—Walt Colt

"Stuff that's cool that people invent to make other people happy and stuff, you know?"—Gus Robertson

"My pioneering selection of an Orthodox Jew, Joe Lieberman, as my running mate. Did you hear that, everyone? He's ORTHODOX!"—Mark Romoser

"Continued executions in Texas. (Damn, who's been playing with the TelePrompTer?)"—Kim Day

"Napster."—Tony Nowikowski

"An extra hour or so of restful, deep Stage 4 REM sleep. Thank you, drive safely! I'll be here all week."—Marc Spisto (similarly, Fred Bartlett)

"Hot, Gore-on-Gore action."—Dennis Cass (similarly, Carrie Rickey, Ian O'Henley, and Arthur Stock)

"The bar code that will be tattooed to the back of your head, whoops, I meant to say that the TAX CODE will be streamlined to help the people, not the powerful."—Pete Miesel

"Naomi Wolf."—Deborah Wassertzug

"Liposuction performed by trained Democratic physicians."—Stacy Selmants

"My FIRST efforts to work with the Decatur Firestone plant."—Julie Carwile

"My proposed repeal of the Drug War laws. Woo, woo! Don't bogart that joint!"—Steven Davis

"Genetically engineered crops that produce their own hallucinogens. Going to a rave? Make sure you take your celery!"—Doug Benning (similarly drug-friendly, M. Robb Milford)

"Check it out—he said 'come.' "—Jacob Stohler

"Pokémon. Just wait until those cards are old enough to be retro-hip—a lot of today's 10-year-olds could rake in a fortune!"—Fred Petrick

"That new green Heinz ketchup. Is that some freaky shit, or what?"—Evan Brady

"This new Barbra Streisand movie that's coming out, that I've seen and believe me, it's really going to be great."—Sean Carman (similarly, but Shirley MacLaine, Michael Koehler)

"The smarmy, overly dramatic host of Survivor. Keeping America's finest voyeuristic game-show shenanigans free for the good of the people!"—Seth Grossman

Fine Products Like PalmPilot and Diet Coke Corner

(similarly, Jim O'Grady and Michael Cronin)

"Marlboros."—Evan Cornog

"Rogaine."—Brooke Saucier

"TWA. Something special in the air."—Paul Tullis

"George Forman's lean, mean, fat-reducin' grill."—Andrew Staples (similarly, but from Ronco, Mark Shotzberger)

"Microsoft's new Windows for the blind."—Andrew O'Henley

"Recent advancements in Sansabelt pant technology that have led to a tighter, yet simultaneously more comfortable, fit."—Ian Mount

"Sixty-two cent Diet Cokes."—Joseph B. Blaustein

Self-Reference Corner

" 'Sheep-fucking,' said the presidential hopeful, all the while praying that the bestiality-free zone had been lifted. Then, after pausing only long enough to tug at the sleeves of his unseasonable wool jacket, he winked into the camera, spanked his own ass, and skipped offstage."—Walt Morgan

NewzKwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor Democratic presidential candidate Albert Gore Jr. He has the same name as his father, Sen. Albert Gore Sr., did. His main opponent, George W. Bush, has almost the same name as his father, President George H. W. Bush, who everybody calls George Bush. Do you think this is smart behavior for parents to do? Don't you think that if you're going to want your son to grow up to be president, you should give him a name that won't be confused with yours? Luckily, that thought did occur decades ago to a man who decided not to give his newborn son the name Rotten Prick Buchanan."—Greg Diamond