"ABC executives on the feasibility of using trained sheepdogs to phone every home in America to plug Norm Macdonald's TV show."—John Tyrrell

"Peacemaker Ross Perot, on the possibility of running Shamba, the smartest dolphin at San Diego's Sea World, as a compromise presidential candidate for the Reform Party."—Ellis Weiner (Brita J. McNay, Kathy Kreutzer, and Mark Romoser had similar answers.)

"I don't know, but I just figured out who Joe Lieberman looks like when he's smiling! Take away the poufy orange hair and the crisp shirt and tie, and you've got Wally Shawn!"—Barbara "Not as Bony as Dr. Laura" Lippert

"You know, without bestiality, it's really hard to come up with a joke using the words 'Republicans,' 'Dick Cheney,' 'haggis,' and 'smirk.' "—Steven Davis

"Tony Blair's ambitious 'Teach All God's Creatures To Vote (Labor)' campaign encounters a skeptic in Sir Sean Connery."—Matt Heimer

"Using really strong pelicans to get the Concorde off the runway and up into the air."—Geoff Egan

"Seeing-eye slugs for the blind. And I'm guessing some crazy guy said it."—Sharon Dynek

"Guess Firestone's new plan to use animal hides as tread is problematic."—Will Vehrs (similarly, Julie Carwile; but home insulation, Steve Kiefer)

"The Honorable James MacDougal Haggis, inventor of an eponymous Scottish culinary delicacy; on his new processed-meat-based invention 'Spaggis.' "—Seth Grossman (similarly, if only in referring to haggis, Michael Koehler, Steven Davis, Anthony Wright, Mark Wade, Greg Diamond, Deborah Guy, and Michael Koehler)

"The chief admiral of the Russian navy; on putting humans in a metal tube then submerging it in ice water."—Beth Sherman (similarly, but Babe the wee lovable pig, Mark Terry)

"Och! Hauld yer weesht! I di'nae ken, but I'm sure he's makin' a mickle of a muckle."—TG Gibbon

"The editor of Cat Steak Fancier said this about the magazine's subject."—Barry Johnson

"Archbishop of Canterbury; choral participants."—Julie Carwile

"Al Gore; reducing Ralph Nader's credibility by hiding ferrets in his pants."—Francis Heaney

"Sean Connery; about making yet another film in which a gorgeous, 20-year-old lass falls hopelessly in love with him. No, wait, I mean: no more gorgeous, 20-year-old lasses in fur coats. What cruelty."—Glenn Shepard

"Bob Wright re replacing Stone Phillips and Jane Pauley on Dateline with more expressive, less expensive monkeys. (Plus, monkeys throw their poop at cameramen less than Stone. Although more than Jane.)"—Jon Hotchkiss

"He continued, 'Just as civilized nations no longer kill humans ... well, most countries.' "—Anthony Wright

"The president of the Golf Society of Aberdeen; about hedgehogs. Draw your own picture."—Doug Sheppard

"Justice Scalia takes a strict constructionist view of everything—even high-school biology lab dissections."—Carl Dietrich

"The director of the Discovery Channel about the program overhaul."—David Finkle

"As a source of donor organs to keep the queen mum alive. She presently has the heart of a pig, the pancreas of a sheep, and a kidney from a cow. She is really not feeling any better, but she won a blue ribbon at the 4-H Club fair this summer!"—Mark Shotzberger

"Oh, come on BBC! I, for one, wanted to see the LAPD go ahead and use hungry lions on Democratic National Convention protesters. Don't spoil my fun!"—Tim Lowell

"The obvious impracticality of sacrificing a hecatomb of oxen to the gods every night is beginning to dawn on Bob Hope's 'doctors.' "—TG Gibbon

"Sean Connery; on a possible James Bond follow-up flick, using a feline in the role of Pussy Galore. (It is presumed the cat's character will be named Debbie Galore.)"—Larry Amoros (similarly Bonded, Richard Nikonovich-Kahn)

"Training sheep to shag ... golf balls at the Old Course driving range, according to R&A captain, Sir Michael Bonallack."—Tom Tegtmeyer

"Scotland's plan to put a goat on the moon suffers another setback as Wee Mary becomes the eighth 'ruminaut' to explode during a zero-gravity endurance test. (Space program chief Laochlin McSuter delivers the post-mortem.)"—Matt Heimer

"Chris Carter wonders how to get David Duchovny in more episodes."—Carl Dietrich

"Damn Tony Blair and his insane plans to give sheep the vote."—TG Gibbon

"The queen mum weighing in on Scotland's bid to have its own team in this year's Olympics. ' 'Twouldn't be fair for all the civilized countries.' "—Evan Brady

"A Scottish caller who dialed into the All Plaid BBC radio show and suggested that Queen Elizabeth should hitch her corgis to a chariot and play Ben-Hur on the M5."—Steven Davis

"Palace spokeswoman; using animals as royal family stand-ins on trips they can't make to the hinterlands of the United Kingdom."—Julie Carwile (similarly denigrating this beloved national institution and all their wee beasties, Tim Lundberg)

Monkey Reference Corner

"Andrew Lloyd Webber; using an infinite number of monkeys to write the libretto for his next masterwork, Charles Darwin, Superstar."—Francis Heaney (similarly, but writing Fox's fall season, Gus Robertson; but writing more concise Scots newscasts, Walt Colt)

"I don't know who said it, but he may have been talking about the monkey who edited his speech."—Greg Diamond

Self-Reference Corner

"Robert Ulrich, editor of Haggis Monthly, seems to be having second thoughts about not being able to buy a bad one these days."—Mark Wade

"Nothing being done to these animals compares to News Quiz's denial of their fundamental right to free association."—Will Vehrs

Newz Kwiz 4 Kidz Korner

"Today we honor Scotland! Scotsmen wear plaid kilts, which are a kind of pleated skirt, but very manly. And do you know what they wear under their kilts? Come here and I'll tell you! C'mon, come over here! C'mon! No, over here! No, don't get mom. OK, I'm not telling you then!"—Greg Diamond