"Apparently the Reform Party is having its convention in Tokyo."—Greg Narver (Will Vehrs had a similar answer.)

"Consumed with shame for allowing the emperor to be eviscerated before his eyes, an imperial guard tries to commit suicide by giving himself a brain tumor."—Jim Stallard (similarly, Doug Ingram and Anthony Wright)

"His phone rang in the middle of a movie and the rest of the audience beat the crap out of him."—Francis Heaney

"Justice."—Dennis Cass

"Just a moment earlier, the same man had been running covered in blood and looking up a phone number on his Palm V."— Daniel Radosh

"Sounds like Hello Kitty is out of her cage and on a blind drunken rampage again."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Tomonori-san see new lung fine—wild bridge meat cell phone."—David Feige

"He forgot he wasn't in his car when he ran the red light."—Ian O'Henley

"That Verizon strike is really getting out of hand."—Gary Frazier (similarly, Greg Diamond)

"I've heard this one before, but it was Kennedy airport and the guy was carrying four cameras instead of a cell phone."—Dan Dickinson

"Even seppuku isn't easy in a 24/seven world."—David McShane

"The First Yukio Mishima Memorial Office Shootout and Cookoff, followed shortly by the Asahara Shoko Sarin Preparation Roast."—Avery Davies

"Look, you can't expect all countries to have the same customs. Texans celebrate Jesus Day with good works; in Japan they prefer stigmata."—Greg Diamond (similarly, Fred Petrick and Bonnie Resnick)

"Just another reporter stupid enough to ask Crown Princess Masako why she hasn't had any children yet."—Mark Wade

"He refused to cancel a party fund-raiser at the mansion of the country's top pornographer."—Beth Sherman

"Thank goodness. I thought I was the only person whose nose had been chewed off by his Nokia."—Josh Kamensky

"Iron Chef Wannabe Onatevi had difficulties during the boiled Godzilla round."—Daniel Kahn (similarly, Charlie Glassenberg)

"I knew cell phones caused cancer, but I didn't think it happened so quickly."—Francis Heaney (similarly, Todd Serencha, Fred Petrick, Adam Bonin, and Jon Drumwright)

"Another Godzilla sighting."—M.G. Lord (similarly, Mark Wade, Fred Petrick, Adam Bonin, Mark Romoser, Will Vehrs, and Anthony Wright)

"Sprint PCS announced that it had sent that trench coat guy to Japan to introduce its new, more aggressive international marketing strategy."—Joe Mix (similarly, Cliff Schoenberg)

"The last remaining cell phone user on the planet who hadn't seen a Verizon commercial was finally dealt with."—Doug Ingram

"Don't tell me the ghost of Werner von Braun stage-managed a nuclear implosion on the 55^th anniversary of Hiroshima!"—Carrie Rickey

"He had returned a pair of glasses to Nicole Simpson-san."— Larry Amoros

"If you thought cell phones in cars were dangerous, try checking in with your broker from those little scooters that are getting to be so popular."—Evan Brady

"The guy just woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a hotel room and found this message lipsticked to the mirror: 'Sorry, pal, but Bob Hope needs kidneys!' "—Jennifer Weiner

"Bob Hope's bloodletting treatment seems not to have gone so well."—Charlie Glassenberg

"I don't know, but I hope he got his carryover minutes."—Dan Dickinson

"Swiss Army shouldn't make cell phones! It's just far too easy to get the switchblade mixed up with the antenna!"—Rose White

"A particularly horrific masturbatory accident. Probably involved ground rhino horn or something crazy like that. Is there anything those Japanese guys won't do for a hard on? Can't they just take Viagra, like Bob Dole?"—Michael J. Basial

"Terrorist group Aum Shinrikyo stages its long-awaited comeback with its new toll-free 'dial an assassin' number. Exploding pagers and poisoned PalmPilots are to be released soon."—Peter G. Eipers

"Minatu and I were enjoying the sunset over Tokyo Bay when the gang of businessmen spotted us. I didn't want to pin tongues to chins again, but suits see lithe creatures with long hair and think: greenbacks. Our moment of deep paramilitary reflection ended when the greed-addled men loomed over us with their tobacco plugs bringing up spit the color of blood. Minatu grabbed the stick pin emblazoned with the diapered dog insignia off her sweater and lunged at the first yen-bearing male. She missed her mark, and they were upon us like intellectually challenged youths on pizza day. Then, as fast as you can lose at three-card monte, blood was flowing from somewhere other than the smooth men's mouths. It was Minatu. Blood was pouring out of her eyes, ears, nose, and throat. Notoriously afraid of large bodies of water, the businessmen scrambled away with a yelp, scratching ankles, knees, and elbows in their retreat, leaving an even longer trail of gore. I turned to Minatu, ready to administer CPR, but she just smiled widely, her teeth glowing pink in the last remaining light of the day, and said, 'Never underestimate the power of myth.' That explains the blood, but I have no idea when the cell phones came into play."—Sarah M. Balcomb

"I'm stumped, Randy, I guess you'll just have to put me down for a 'similarly' on anything involving martial arts schools, teppon grill restaurants, or any other institution of Japanese culture that involves the skillful use of sharp steel blades on inconsiderate patrons who carelessly leave the ringer switched on."—Kathy Whitesel

Self-Reference Corner

"I had just finished brushing my teeth. Oh, you mean to the bleeding guy?"—Francis Heaney

"He must've been the one whose cell phone went off in class right in the middle of my lecture. My standard punishment is that the other students are told they will earn extra credit if they whack him with a sack full of broken glass. Normally, that would ruin the curve, but to compensate I just make the next exam harder."—Doug Ingram

"You know, I had something just like that happen to me. Except for the part about Tokyo, the blood, the cell phone, and the running. Otherwise, it was just the same. Really."—Steven Davis

News Kwiz for Kidz Korner

"Pokémon! Pikachu!"—Charlie Glassenberg

"My mommy told me not to run with scissors in my hand."—Mark Wade

"Today we're honoring Japan. Do you know what 'Shinjuku-dori' means? It means—ah, shit, where are my notes? Oh, Christ, is that a live feed?"—Greg Diamond