"Phil Gramm Day. Grab the nearest small dog, hold it up to your face, and suck out its eyeballs."—Greg Diamond

"It's Tom Landry Day. G.W. lives it every day by vocally announcing his Christianity, professing no knowledge of world affairs, and wishing his wife looked more like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader."—Steven Davis

"Dammit, George, why don't we just submit these friggin' Alamo characters for sainthood and be done with it?"—Will Vehrs

"The Martyr Formerly Known as Vernon Howell Day; burn Janet Reno's house down."—Matt Sullivan

"Jesus. Kegger."—Nell Scovell and Andrew Puzzio

"Pontius Pilate Day; execute an innocent man."—Mark Romoser

"Why, it's President-Father's Day, and he suggests we observe it by voting for anyone whose father was president."—David Finkle

"Pick a Jew for Vice President Day. Observe it by voting 'Bush-Cheney'—Paid for by Friends of George W. Bush."—Jon Hotchkiss

"I know he believes in bipartisanship and all, but I don't think 'Jew Lieberman Day' is going to go over very well."—Adam Bonin (Daniel Radosh and Stephen Menard had similar answers.)

"Joe Lieberman Day, which seems kind of pointless since you can already stone adulterers under Texas law."—Kim Day

"Benjamin Franklin. George W. doesn't know about you, but he plans to electrocute someone that day."—Steve Spencer

"Dubya Day. Get drunk, do drugs, pass out, in honor of the fact that George W. doesn't do those things anymore. Really. Um ... and never did them before, either. Yeah."—Francis Heaney

"Texans, throw away your mariachis! Sammy Sosa means merengue madness at the Ball Park at Arlington!"—Anthony Wright (similarly, Greg Diamond)

"Robert Downey Jr. Day. Fathers are expected to let their sons take a hit from their bongs."—Andrew Puzzio

"Dubya's proclamation of the Tony Blair Memorial All-Nude Hoedown is hardly the action of a Compassionate Conservative."—Pete Miesel

"Jesus H. Christ Day. G.W. Bush would like us to spend this day appreciating the Son of God's little-known work as a Political Philosopher, as opposed to his work as the Savior, which has been well publicized."—Sarah M. Balcomb

"John Wayne Gacy Day. 'Whatever you think of his chosen path,' Bush proclaimed, 'he had a very high kill ratio. And so do I.' "—Josh Kamensky

"Tom Hanks Day, commemorating the actor's valor and sacrifice on D-day! Why Gov. Bush proclaimed the holiday June 10, instead of June 6 is anybody's guess."—Dan Dickinson

"M.C. Hammer Day, who is a 'good guy,' said George W. 'No darnit, a great guy! And I'll be wearing my parachute pants and tracks in my hair along with every other proud Texan. Pieces out, homos!' That's right idn't?"—Gus Robertson

"It's Frank Sinatra slept with a teacher day! Use your imagination: Turn your living room into a 'learning center' and then order up a librarian!"—Barbara Lippert

"Bob Hope Day, on which we should cling desperately to life."—Charlie Glassenberg

"Señor Ochoa. Snort, snort."—Carl Dietrich

"Himself! Ludicrously named 'Me Day' the occasion will be observed with a quiet, dignified, family only ceremony—at Chuck E. Cheese's (the one Neil manages)."—T.G. Gibbon

"For some, the durable popularity of Ted Nugent is a mystery. Not me ... and, all things considered, a statewide 'If You Can't Lick 'Em, Lick 'Em!' party sounds entirely appropriate."—Jon Drumwright

"Juneteenth. Bush celebrated it by freeing the servants at the governor's mansion and suggests that all other Republicans do likewise."—Mark Wade

"J.R. Ewing Day. We should all honor him and the entire petroleum industry by purchasing an SUV."—Tim Lundberg

"Ted Kennedy day is usually celebrated with a shot and a beer."—Bob Mihevc

"Adolf 'Tex' Hitler. And as for the celebration, well, I think you know ..."—Larry Amoros

"George W. Bush Day, to be observed by making large soft-money contributions."—Tim Olevsky

"Hereinafter, June 10 will always be 'Ted Koppel's Moral Absolutes Day.' Dubya sez to 'Git on down to Galveston Beach and dig for washed-up syringes for our lethal injection program. It's yer duty as a Texas patriot. Yee-hah!' I think the professor and the GOP delegates are in a snit because the Koppelmeister dissed their convention."—Deborah Guy

" 'That Guy Holding the Umbrella on the Grassy Knoll on Frames 312-323 (Not Counting Frame 317, as Explained in BEST EVIDENCE, Page 406) of the Zapruder Film' Day." Computer enhancement of his image shows his umbrella to read DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS. How would Dubya ask to commemorate it? How else—Front a group to buy your local sports franchise for breakfast with only $600,000 down, and make $12 million when you sell it at dinner."—Andrew Milner

NewzKwiz for Kidz Korner

"We're still honoring the starfish today—the Lone Starfish! It's shaped just like that star of Bethlehem. By the way, kidz, did you know that some people don't believe that Jesus is our Savior?"—Greg Diamond