"From a distance, the Atlantic and Pacific look exactly as they did when stout Cortez first started rubbing his hands together in anticipation of high-priced condos and industrial discharges."—Will Vehrs

"Hef will stay in the Grotto."—Carl Dietrich

"More tourists are visiting to photograph the lovely seals that now glow in the dark!"—Julie Carwile

"I already told you the good news. Short-term memory loss caused by pot smoking will ... never mind. No, I already told you the bad news ..."—Michael Maiello

"The Republican convention dispensed with the traditional 'Day at the Beach With Dennis Hastert' this year."—Charlie Glassenberg (Adam Bonin had a similar answer.)

"That Dick Cheney wouldn't vote against Head Start today—oops—that's the good news for those who think Cheney is a terrible VP choice."—Matt Carroll

"She doesn't really like going to the beach anyway."—Daniel Radosh

"Bill Bradley has finally canceled those end-of-summer walks all the way down the New Jersey shore."—Adam Bonin

"When the big one comes, the wicked who overdeveloped our coastline will be crushed in the righteous tsunami."—Will Vehrs

"The proliferation of plastic six-pack rings floating about has made it much more convenient for consumers to obtain seals and otters. No more messy clubbing or unwieldy harpoons required!"—Sharon Stern

"All the mercury in the water is making the fish go retarded, that makes them easier to catch and that means more metallic-tasting addled striped bass for everyone!"—Charlie Glassenberg

"A sentient hurricane is trying to kill Howard Stern."—Francis Heaney

"The beaches in question are on the island used in Survivor."—Evan Cornog (similarly, Mark Romoser)

"Studies show that swimming in a mix of saltwater and pollution runoff actually gives you a bitchin' tan!"—Brooke Saucier

"The fish were asking for it."—Chris Kelly

"Free reusable syringes."—David Feige (similarly, Greg Narver and Michael Cronin)

"All the pollution is driving the sharks away."—Mark Romoser (similarly, Doug Ingram)

"Library attendance is way up! Or did I dream it?"—Carl Dietrich

"Waves are, like, so cool, now that global warming is here, dude."—Will Vehrs

"The good news is that the beach closings spare us evening news visions of a Speedo-clad post-GOP convention crowd body surfing at Rehoboth Beach. Puh-lease! Didn't we see enough nekkid white flesh exposed when Clinton was caught making his McD's breakfast runs in jogging shorts? (My apologies to Herman Melville.)"—Deborah Guy

"Ted Kennedy is vacationing in the mountains."—Paul Tulllis

"No chance of seeing pictures featuring the swim-suited first couple necking."—Carl Dietrich

"Fewer unpleasant looking people walking around in ridiculously small bathing suits."—Larry Amoros (similarly, Leah Relth and Mark Shotzberger)

"I'm off my diet: Who needs beach-wear now?"—Ben Sheriff

"Baywatch cast decimated by E. coli infections?"—Mark Wade (similarly and ebullient, Sharon Dynek and John Woodward)

"We're finally winning our battle against killer clams!"—Greg Diamond

"Thong thong thong!"—Steve Spencer (similarly, Andrew Puzzi)

"The new McDolphin burger. Special sauce: creamy whale-oil dressing!"—Andrew Puzzio

"Free oil and gasoline for everybody who wants to drive their SUVs to the beach and pick it up."—John Tyrrell

"Leonardo DiCaprio isn't going to star in a movie about it."—David Finkle

Self-Reference Corner

"Before I answer this, I want to clear up a misunderstanding. My nickname in News Quiz Ugly is 'The Dreamer.' Greg Diamond's wrestling name is 'Francis Heaney.' "—Francis Heaney

"More people playing the News Quiz home game."—Carl Dietrich (similarly, Greg Diamond)

NewzKwiz for Kidz Korner

"No Pee-Pee in the Pool!"—Adam Bonin

"Today we honor starfish. If you put your ear right up to the monitor and press real hard, you can hear the noise starfish make when they're being choked to death by pollutants!"—Greg Diamond